Let the election race... end already. Please.

So we have a new election system now. It's used to be a ruling party got around fourish years, and could declare an election whenever they wanted close to that wibbly time limit.

It clearly wasn't the greatest system, as it put way to much power in the jackasses currently running the show. Showing up high recently in the polls? Quick, take advantage of that and call a snap election! Got a short sighted economic plan, that whilst doomed to fail, will produce a temporary positive blip in a few months? Call it then. Been revving up you campaign engine? Catch the opposition flat footed by going full steam ahead whilst your opponents struggle for policies other than 'not want he wants.'

So now, like clockwork, we're getting them every five years. No ruling party cock-dickery, at last! 

There is only good sides to this, right?

Only now instead of fourish years of jackasses in power, it's five.

And instead of getting a election season that would last a few months at best, we're getting it for a whole fucking year.

Great. Fucking amazing. Because there is no one worth my time voting for, and I have to listen to them bitching at each other for the next year. So happy.

Let's go over them in turn, shall we?

I don't why David Cameron has bothered to turn up, as his leadership has proven he's utterly incompetent at everything.

I mean, fucking seriously, guys. He may of said that the depression was Labour's fault it so many times we've all started to believe it (in fairness, they didn't help much, but it was a global problem, not just theirs) but he has presided over the worst recovery in recorded history. And that article is two fucking years old, and it hasn't improved much since! He's fucked the NHS, fucked up on borrowing, fucked up education, fucking on welfare, fucked up living standards, fucked up on immigration, fucked up every service we had, fucked up everything including fucking because the one small bit of success he has had is pushing porn filters and porn censorship on us. His next step is Austerity 2: Austerity Harder which is pretty depressing because we're pretty sick of it now already, let alone what cuts his fevered wet dreams are about. The only reason he turns up is because people vote for him. Which is a reason, I guess.

I don't know why Nick Clegg turns up, as his word is worthless.

No, seriously, why is Nick Clegg even here? For four years he has been ripping up every pledge he ever made and pissed on it. Whatever he says now in this election race has to be taken in context that historically, whatever he says has no bearing on what he will do. His word is meaningless, and is completely untrustworthy. Hell, I'm not even being mean - you can find the videos of the bugger claiming things he later will shit on. Plenty of people voted for a Liberal Democrat years ago and got a Tory. The only reason he's turning up is to give credence to the notion he wasn't just in it for a single term of deputy Prime Ministering before he swanned off into the horizon with his cabinet pension.

I don't know why Ed Miliband turns up, as he's the wrong brother for the job.

Yeah, this point is actually a little mean. Strictly speaking, it shouldn't matter who you are, how personable you are, what you look like, what you sound like, if your ideas are good. Tragically, this is fucking politics, son, and all of that bullshit really fucking matters. It does not further help that he's spent the last few years flustered as people go, 'No, seriously, when is the other brother coming out?' so he's dropped all his notes and forgotten any ideas apart from aping Tory plans and sitting there awkwardly as he gets blamed for all our economic woes. I'm conflicted between giving him an encouraging hug and kicking him up the arse for handing the election to Davy' boy on a platter. He's only here because four years ago, everyone in the Labour party mixed his and his brothers names on the leadership ballot and now we're stuck with him.

I don't know why Nigel Farage turns up, because he only has one policy.

New, just in! You, sir! Have you tried Getting out of Europe! Why, it increases muscle densitity, concentration, encourages hair growth, tries the waistline, gets your wife back in the kitchen, gets those dirty gypos of the street, and increases the libedo! Nigel has one policy, and that's to get out of Europe. In fact, he's be better off not turning up but just leaving a sign up whenever question that just states "EUROPE=BAD" because at least that sign won't be caught saying anything racist, sexist, homophobic, or allegedly rigging postal votes. He's only turning up because he reckons more Tories will defect to him, and he's probably right.

I don't know why Natalie Bennett turns up, because everyone thinks she only has one policy.

It's the name. Green Party. Oh, that's the environment one, right? Of everyone has green policies, now. Pass. The Green Party needs a definite name change, or re branding, or media presence... which they will never get because the media is more blue than the air after Frankie Boyle stubs his toe. Tragically, the Green Party has a lot of good, popular policies - they want EU reform, failing that, a referendum, renationalising the NHS, power and railways (which everyone wants) and a whole bunch of decent economic ideas. Okay, fine, in fairness to the hatedom I have going they have some stupid idiotic policies on nuclear power and GM crops as well. However, nobody any of their policies, and nobody cares, because whilst the Greens have earned their own MP and councils for years, since UKIP scored a defector or two that's all the media will talk about. She's only turning up in rage that all their hard fought achievements are being ignored over the news of a Tory party member switching to a different Tory party.

I don't know why any independent candidates turn up, because our first past the post system actively conspires to keep them out.

And thank you so very much for that, Nick Clegg, aka The Traitor King, for fucking up the Alternative Vote referendum so bad. No, seriously, it is basically pointless to run as an independent.

Sigh. So I am left with no one. Or, as I insist on doing something in a voting booth because not doing so is consent to be treated like cattle, I am left with finding one that annoys me the least.

New rule: the party leader with the best rendition of 'Let It Go' has my vote. Done.

Catching up with Dragon Age 2

So I've being catching up with Dragon Age 2 now and shut up so it's been a while stop making this difficult because I remembered that I don't have to give EA any money if I can get someone else to lend me the game.

(No to very mild spoilers at best, possibly aided as I've yet to finish the damn thing yet.)

It's so far giving me a typical Bioware experience... only if Bioware had only thirteen days and seventeen pence to make a game and only the coffee boy had the time free to do any writing and level design. Basically, what traditional Bioware problems have are worse, and a few new ones have crept up.

In every Bioware game I've played, there's always been a moment where I went, "Whoa there, that is not what I wanted to say!" Mass Effect 1's moment was when talking to Joker about his disease, instead of politely asking if I he needed further accommodations, Shepard went all Jack Bauer in his face demanding his disease secrets least he betray me anew. In Dragon Age 2, I don't have a moment because it. Is. Non. Stop. I like my snarky Hawke - often because I like the neutral option between flowers, hugs vs, murder, voting UKIP but Jesus, Hawke. Pick your time. Or stop having such a cack handed delivery. I have the subtitles on, and when Hawke remarking wryly on the pun of a potion seller using the word remedy, I read the response and laughed... before Hawke then spoke the words, draining all humour likes the dregs of last night's curry down the pughole. Whee.

Your delivery is bad and you should feel bad.

Another traditional Bioware issue - repeating dungeon assests. Now Mass Effect 1 was bad, but we told them to knock that shit off and they did, even mocking it in a few occasions in later games. Dragon Age 1 had a few - mostly ambush sites and fields. I let that (mostly) slide. Dragon Age 2? That seventeen pence rears its ugly head because the world is awash with deja vu as everywhere I go I've been there before. It's getting embarrassing traipsing into the bandits lair, formally the spider lair, formally the old mine, formally the old caves, formally a different bandits' lair, originally the smuggler's cave. I tend to walk in, and walk past the enemies straight to their super secret treasure room out of habit.

At least they've worked on the influence system. I had issues with the precious one - to make sure everyone loved me (and thus would have better stats) I would say whatever I felt a party member wanted to hear in front of them. "What's that Morrigan? You love the colour red? Oh, me too! It's my favourite! And yes, Leilana, I do agree, blue is the best colour. No doubt. Oh and Zeveran? New black boots? Best colour choice ever, even when that's a shade!." I didn't feel my noble had a personality, just a shell of lies surrounding a deeply insecure person who'd no doubt go on to become the greatest politician of all time.

Now, instead of pissing off people and they leave, I can piss off people and they stay out of pure spite. Delicious. I still have the odd issue of min-maxing - I am paranoid of starting new quests without the right people in the party to approve / disprove of my choices, and every quest I hand in becomes a shuffle contest - right, this guy I'm squeezing for coin, best get Isabela in here, this lass, I'm letting go to flee from the Templars - Anders, Merril, you need to hear this, fetch Fenris too, he's going to lose his shit!" It's got the point I have temporarily stopped playing as I am paralysed as I can't talk to anyone without consulting a guide. Stupid min-maxing habits.

Amusingly, I am successfully seeking friendship with my whole party... aside from Fenris, who I am starting to feel that me singling out for abuse is now me role playing a playground bully. That aside, it is hilarious to think of a group of people singing my praises whilst Fenris glowers in the corner, the smug git.

To victim blame here: it's all his fault. Look, Fenris - I know you hate mages, and think they should be under Templar control every second of the day. Tragically, my dead dad - and my still living sister, you ass - are mages. Who aren't blood magic abomination psychopaths. So it might mean your current audience - me - for your spoutings isn't fucking interested! So shut your face. I'd make a bigger deal of this, but rather annoyingly every time in this sodding series a mage escapes a Templar's gaze for a gnat's blink they blood magic all up in this hiz-house. Super awkward. YOU GUYS ARE NOT HELPING YOU OWN CASES, HERE.

Because doing this to yourself was clearly the smart choice.

That said, they're are a few good characters lurking. Fenris I count as acceptable because he at least makes me want him to stick around so I have pull his hair and give him wedgies (oh god I am a bully, I am a terrible person.) Merril surprised me - up came her blood magic, and out came my high horse to preach about her folly... and every time I tried to get on that sodding high horse I was beaten back by a wave of pure niceness and upbeatness. I don't even... wut? I imagine the demon she pacted with attempted something horrible but by the time Merril was done with it she left it making floral patterns and gushing about Pinterest. I wuv her so. No joke, with a w. I wuv her and if anyone messes with her I will pound them into the filthy Kirkwall street.

Varric is awesome, and is my bestest bro. A ranged rogue with a kickass crossbow? Count me in. I love his interrupts - Varic, please step up to the plate and weave a tale of something magic, please. I've enjoyed Bethany as well, but that may be based on enjoying the presence of any character for heals my main character constantly due to his disposition to find large groups of enemies irresistible to leap into.

And they solved the dog issue too! He's now a summon, not a party member who can't equip armour or weapons and has shit skills.

Of course, there is a saturation of bleh characters. Anders once was amazing, funny, witty... now is angst driven and full of literal Vengeance. Whee. Way to fuck him up. Also, come on Anders - I don't like Templars either, but these mages just will not stop with the blood magic. At a certain point, this animosity is kinda self-inflicted. Carver is allegedly a boring ass too, but he was polite enough to get his boring ass killed in the prologue for me.

Then we roll round to Isabella. You see, Isabella likes sex.

She likes sex so much she even forgets to put her trousers on in the morning, just in case it delays a chance of sex. Sexy, sexy sex. Sex. She's a sailor, a pirate queen of sex. Sex. Sex. Did I mention she likes sex?

BECAUSE SHE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT.

WE GET IT ALREADY.

Look, I'm not hear to slut shame, or demand wimmen cover up. Nah. That's some bullshit right there. But her personality points are that she's a liar and wants to get laid... and nothing else. She reminds me of a 13 year old virgin boasting to his mates about all the sex he's getting - you know the type. On top of that, party conversation revealed that's she's riddled with STD's that even Ander's spectacular healing skills can barely hold back the cornucopia of venereal discharge - great. Fucking great. Instead of a sex-positive commanding pirate queen I have a pandering eye candy character. I can't take her seriously as every conversation, like the tides, inevitably rolls back to boning. I have had to texture mod her to possess a set of pants because I started feeling sorry for how cold she must be, let alone before I could see something that wasn't written and designed to purely stroke my ego... or at least the ego that Bioware thinks I have, which is kinda insulting. It does not help that as a melee rogue, she has no durability so constantly falls down on combat. Sigh,

Sooner or later I pray I see a glismpe of actual character or personality in there, but by then I'll be too busy dancing through the fields with Merril. You know, I honestly think I had exactly the same moan about this sort of shit in the Witcher 2, which is like, two articles down, not accounting for time. Hmm. Oh, also Aveline!

Aveline is there, I guess.

There might be another character but I'm pretty sure he is overpriced DLC. Big loss.

So that's how the characters are written, what about the plot, aka part two of my you buy a Bioware game? Unfortunately, the plot suffers from two faults. Firstly, they want Hawke to be Sheppard... so badly. So, while Sheppard did incredible things over the course of multiple games that you were part of, Hawke... has time skips, and everyone you meet next is like "Wow! Cool, Hawke, I'm your bestie from back then! You're so cool, because of the cool things you did, BUT YOU WILL NEVER SEE," Look Bioware, this isn't difficult - if it happened off screen, it doesn't count. The end. Don't tell me Hawke is a badass. Show me. Or better yet, let me be the badass. I am playing your bread and butter, a fucking power fantasy here people; work with me.

Secondly they seem to believe I am fascinated by the Qunari.

I am not.

One of the major problems with the Qunari is how insufferable they are. The subscribe to a code called the Qun, which is sort of interesting for five minutes until you coin onto the fact there is no code. Like Lost, there is no grand plan; just bullshit made up moment to moment with vague hand gestures trying vainly to pretend that they know what they're on about. Once you figure that out all sense of mystery is gone. So what is the Qun? A code glorifying slavery with a spiritualistic aspect. Boom. Done. Or in game turns, justfication to have them do whatever the plot demands they do because the Qun said so/ Here's me, like in every Bioware game, trying desperately to learn about this new and fascinating culture... but as they don't have one, they have to awkwardly shoo me away whilst keeping their noses firmly up their own asses. Basically, I am half way through this game and my official opinion on how to deal with this tense, diplomatic, multi-faceted problem is for me to load up and slaughter every one of the bloody horned bastards and call it a day... for a bunch of dudes essentially just chillin' out on the docks.

The combat is... well, it's different to the past game. Way more hack and slashy. Not inherently bad, just not the itch I was looking to scratch. The auto attack is a bit finicky, and it's not unoften I have party members stand around doing the medieval equivalent of checking their phone's Twitter for a few minutes until I notice and remind them we're in a desperate life-or-death struggle. Melee rogues have made slight steps to being usable compared to the first game, the issue remaining though that melee rogues ground themselves when attacking, and doing breaks them. Without the flank, they die, and rogues won't path to find the flank, and when you personally micro manage them the whole team groups up on the new leader and ruins the battlefield dynamic. There's a few new moves that let's rogues manoeuvre easier, but I've had rogues jump into the middle of a group and die horribly as often as jump out. Weirdly enough, I have found no party members that use longbows at all, but I keep finding them.

The sad thing is that with all these gripes, Dragon Age 2 isn't a bad game. Most characters are interesting, and even better Bioware games usually has one or two that fail to engage anyway, the combat is fun but needs work, and there is a sense of the grander world. The problem is that Dragon Age 2 does not measure up to being a Dragon Age title. The first set the bar pretty high for new IP and this is a blatent cash-in. If this was Hawke the RPG: Bullying Fenris from a little developer, I'd be a lot more generous with my praise. Instead this is the equivalent of Ferrari announcing the next Enzo... only to reveal it's a functional 49cc moped with middling mileage. You're better than that, Bioware.

So I hear Dragon Age 3: Inquisition is really good!

Just have to get over my Origin resentment first.

What to you mean, where have I been?

Right. So. I've not been here for a bit. And I have a really good excuse. Honest!

So I've moved house recently, something I think you'll appreciate, is a really good excuse. In the few weeks moving up to it, as I rent I've been nipple deep in painting everything on account of well, renting. They wanted it back to white, which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact when we got the place it was a mix of bile and lime green. Yeah. Awesome. So off I went, painting and packing... in a motherfuckin' heat wave.

Once per year, Britain decides it's not the musty, overcast grey country we know and gripe about, but part of a tropical conglomerate. It's awful, because it's not like temperatures slowly rise and fall with the seasons, it's BLAM TWO WEEKS OF FURNACE HEAT and then back to fifty of grey spittle. So no one has any tolerance of the heat.

I don't remember what sleep is. I go to bed, feeling like undercooked beef roast, and a few hours later a get bored of lying in my own sweat and go to work. That's what the current night cycle is. It's as entertaining as it sounds. And I've been trying to paint in it, which is exactly what you wish to do in high heat: physically exert yourself.

So, I'm back. My internet access is still spotty (another wonderful excuse! If only I'd thought to, you know, address this ahead of time) but I have stuff to talk about, more stuff in the pipeline...

...but I think I just set my Wii U up, and on noes! I'm busy again.