Star Wars possible return to form? And I couldn't care less

Oh look, one of the original writers of the original trilogy of Star Wars is returning to write for the new Star Wars film. As a fan of Star Wars, I should be excited, right?

No.

I could not give less of a pulsating rat's testicle.

Also, he's involved, so expect so much lens flare you'll be forced to see it in 3D just for the darkening effect to avoid blindness.

And that, my friends, is evidence of the worst thing a franchise can suffer from: franchise burnout.

I was a good age for Star Wars. Obviously, I was not around for the original trilogy to be aired. However, I was a young boy when the remastered versions of the original trilogy came to the big screen, and I watched those, year on year, an instant convert. I had a steadily growing collection of the toys, had a few posters, and before I'd even got the toys I'd make intricate X-Wings and Darth Vader's out of Lego. When David Prose was on the radio, I called him up to ask about how they fought with the lightsabers - you see, I knew they were painted onto the film, and thus wasn't actually in the actor's hands, so I was wondering how they clashed sabers when logically they would have no idea where the sabers were at. He politely explained that they had these spinning bamboo dohickeys that were a right menace as they broke all the damn time. Later that day, I went to a fan convention he was at, and I had him sign a Darth Vader card I owned, which I still have somewhere.

This was before I knew that David Prose would sign anything, but hey, at the time, it mattered to me. Still does a little, in fact.

Linking Star Wars to my video game hobby, I've seen a fair few good to great games made by LucasArts, now a defunct studio. The Jedi Knight / Academy series, the Rogue Squadron series, and later, by Bioware, the first two Knights Of The Old Republic.

Of course, this happiness wouldn't last. I'm not going to give another lambasting of the prequel trilogy - far more talented individuals have already done so - but even back then I had hope. Genndy Tartakovsky made a fantastic Clone Wars mini-series,(which you must check out) but as the final prequel crawled in, I made a conscious decision to not pay to see it. I knew back then it wouldn't be worth it. Later on, I borrowed a pirated disk and fast forwarded it whenever it got too boring. I skipped most the film in the end, to weary to bother trying to engage. It broke me, broke my patience, broke my enjoyment of the whole damn experience.

This weariness wasn't exactly a new thing, as I had suffered it during Return Of The Jedi. Seriously. Knowing that the only reason bleedin' Ewoks were in that movie was to sell toys, and that the original concept had the fight be on Kashyyyk, the Wookie home world? Not only does the resulting fight make more sense, but how awesome would that of turned out? But no, Ewoks. Because the toys.

So many little things can burn out a franchise. Pushing to sell. Piss poor acting. Ignoring basic continuity. Flanderization of characters. Terrible, awful dialogue. Cameoing previous characters. An idiot director with no checks on his dross. Star Wars had it all. And when I felt it mattered to the people who made it, it mattered to me. It was art. Now, I see Yoda shilling phones. It's clear that Star Wars doesn't matter as an expression, as a story, as art: it's a soulless product. Boring. I'll pass.

Just... fuck you. Fuck you whomever thought of this. Fuck you with a rake. Fuck you with a rusty rake.

Now I've seen my fair share of beloved franchises become meaningless to me. Assassin's Creed has gone on a down slide as their incessant drive to produce annual title's has not only slowed the story down so much it becomes meaningless but by the time I can afford one the next one's out. I'm skipping Assassin's Creed 3, and going to try AC 4 when I find the money. It does help that not only did I feel that Connor from AC 3 was boring, but Ubisoft did as well and have quickly passed over him for AC 4. Passing quickly over the Mass Effect series, whilst I can say I brought even piece of dlc for the second game - I gobbled every piece up - I didn't for the third. While I could not get enough of Mass Effect 2, I could not stomach another second of heartbreak from Mass Effect 3. In fact, the only reason I brought any dlc for the third game was an attempt to purge the worst of the pain of the ending from my mind, but it never was like the second game, with me paying good money of useless cosmetic differences.

I may have brought this outfit purely to make stop her looking like a prostitute.

It's not just me. Hear about this one - audiences reacted positively to trailers of Devil until M. Night Shyamalan's name cropped up, resulting in derisive laughter? So what you're toxic, any publicity, right? Right? Ah, no. As we see films more and more nowadays trend to sequels, we also see the rise of diminishing returns. Whilst a sequel is seen as a safe risk, the reviews (and more importantly, the cash) starts to dwindle rapidly. So yes, make annual sequels, sell on your IP to someone else (I've belatedly remembered in fairness seperating George Lucas from Star Wars is only a good thing) and push the merchandise - but if you don't care, nor will your audience.

Overexposure, soulless shilling and being generally crap does in the most beloved franchises. Or, you could just try to make sure you respect your product and try to do a good job with it. But beware, by the time you grasp that concept, don't let too much time pass that the audeince just can't be brought back.

Oh, hey, another Pokemon game is out.

I DON'T EVEN SO CUTE WUT

Oh god shut up and take my money Nintendo.

Ben Affleck as Batman? Well, I gu-SAINTS ROW SAINTS ROW SAINTS ROW

You know, there is something out there I should be getting angry at. Maybe something I should be getting happy at. Maybe even something I should be getting introspective at.

And then Saints Row IV happened.

Hey, you know what this gun does?

Oh god, I have played so much Saints Row IV that it's legitimately concerning. I think in two days I've had it Steam is showing I've put close to twenty four bleedin' hours in, and I have to stop before my body atrophies and I die of arse cramps. And dehydration... because the kitchen in like, five metres away and that's far too great a distance to walk.

IT ALIEN ABDUCTS THEM. FOR REALS.

But no. I will tear myself away from Saints Row IV and become a human being again, one that is a productive member society, inasmuch as a human being who regularly writes a blog can be considered a productive member of society, rather than yet another creature who hurls poorly written expletive-riddled mess into the abyss that is the internet.

STOMP. Heh, look at the innocent vehicles and civilians fly.

That thought was brought to you by the fact I am highly aware how piss poor my grammar is and how many typos sneak their way into this. I re-read so old posts recently. Omph, Ow. Yeah. Have I ever apologized to you for inflicting that on you?

Anyway, something semi-serious. So. We have a new Batman. It's going to be Ben Affleck. Everybody is upset.

Myself, I don't really care either way. For starters, I started to wane (hehe) on the ultra serious super gritty and realistic Batman a while back, and by the time the finale of Nolan's Batman trilogy ended repeated playthroughs of the Arkham series of games, and my rising enjoyment of the Marvel franchise films had hit my enthusiasm hard. I've stopped caring about grim, dark and gritty, stopped caring about films that seem a little ashamed of their source material and has to stop every five minutes to attempt to explain something that didn't need explaining or to take digs at the source material. Hell, in the Marvel films they throw garish colours everywhere, and will only end movies on happy notes - and I'm cool with that. I don't need to leave  every film theatre depressed.

The ticket and food prices already do that.

However, as the grimdark new Superman movie failed to reached the staggering profit that the Batman movies did, DC are shoving Batman, their most lucrative asset, in to boast sales. It's a cynical, and more wearying, obvious cash ploy, which doesn't assure me much of quality at the end of the day. Though, one question people; why is the new Superman so grimdark, in navy and crimson and not the blue and red? Because Batman was grimdark and earned billions. That is why. It doesn't matter that it makes no sense for the characters to be portrayed that way. Grimdark Batman made phat cash, so Superman will be grimdark, and will supposedly earn phat cash by that logic. So what that Superman, in his own fucking name, is designed to be inspirational? Pah. Make it realistic 'n shit! Have people afraid of him and have him destroy everything! People liked Zod, drop him in there! Ca-ching!

My apathy for the mistake already in the making of the film aside, another reason I'm not jumping on the hate wagon for Ben Affleck is that I've yet to see him in action, and I reckon it's fair to at least see him play Batman before shitting on him. You know, reserve judgement until seeing it, which is very hypocritical of me admittedly because I just bashed the new Superman movie without seeing it, and have been shitting on a future film without seeing it. I am aware of the hypocrisy, and as everyone knows, being aware of your own hypocrisy makes you immune to criticism. I think.

The notion of giving an actor a chance however is remarkably mature of me, because in animated versions of Batman if it's not voiced by Kevin Conroy I have a tendency to throw them across the room as blasphemous material.

It's not that Kevin Conroy sounds like Batman, it's that Batman sounds like Kevin Conroy.

But look, we all shit on pretty-boy Heath Ledger's casting as the Joker and look what we got - something god damn terrifying. Anne Hathaway gave us an impressive take on Catwoman, and while very different to the traditional gangling and awkward Doctor Crane, Cillian Murphy did a great job throwing the character in a new angle. In an animated Justice League movie I saw (Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths) William Baldwin of all people voiced an acceptable Batman. Not a Kevin Conroy standard performance, (duh) but an acceptable performance, and I was not expecting that from William bloody Baldwin. So, Affleck? He's worth a shot. I'm not expecting much, but I think Affleck has the chin for it.

So. Internets. Calm down. Take you stupid sodding petitions (which I refuse to link to) and chill out. It'll likely be a shit film anyway. If anything, you should be encouraging Affleck to put in as poor a performance as possible - a medicore film is boring to sit through. But a poor film with insane levels of over-acting?

Do I even have to say it?

That's comedy gold.

Film Review: Pacific Rim

You know, I lot of the time I come into the week dreading about what I have to write about. Will it be the nonsense of selling off the post office? The cruelty of legal aid changes? The insanity of Texas's fresh assault on women's rights? Or will it be the last minute contender, the oh-my-god-wut of the Zimmerman case?

So instead I'm going to talk about giant robots punching giant monsters IN THE FACE.

DUR DUR DUR DURLALALA DUR DUR DUR!

PUNCHING MONSTERS INNA FACE!

Pacific Rim is kinda hard for me to objectively review. Once in a while, I remember sitting in the cinema thinking to myself, 'Wait a minute, that didn't make sense,' before the film turned to me and screamed, 'I PUNCH A MONSTER INNA FACE WITH ROCKET ARM, YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.' And quite frankly, I was totally okay with that.

I mean, come on people, why am I even pushing this movie? The core concept alone should have you clamouring to go see this movie, unless you suffer a complete dearth of joy in your soul.

Unlike the totally dire Lone Ranger film, this film wasn't ashamed of what it was. It didn't spend the whole run time undermining it's core message because it was trying to be 'edgy,' or 'cynical,' No. This film is, in a sentence, about giant robots punching giant monsters in the face. The whole film revolves around that, and it's great to see a film embrace it's core concept with such love and joy instead of shame.

BOAT SWORD BOAT SWORD GONNA HIT YOU WITH MY BOAT SWORD.

So, fine, an actual plot synopsis for you: Giant monsters, called Kaiju, have risen from a hole in reality from the seabed. And do what monsters are supposed to do - wreck the mother fucking shit outta everything. And they're pretty good at it, so humanity, realizing that their biggest tanks are no more threatening then the average perturbed puppy to these thing, go for broke and build the Jaegers, our giant monster smashing robots. To get the best out of them, they need two pilots to neurally sync up with the robot, as a single pilot can't handle the mental strain and normally ends up with brains dribbling out their nose... which does put a damper on your fighting prowess. In goes the Jaegers, and what do you know, giant robots kick all sort of ass!

So much ass is being kicked that eventually, the Jaegers stop being replaced, and the authorities start winding down the program to instead built a less awesome giant ass wall, in the spirit of, 'Well fuck you, we didn't want the Pacific ocean anyway, you take it.' However, the Kaiju are getting bigger, badder, and more numerous as our heroes realise these Kaiju aren't going away and are about to swamp the planet on mass. So it's about time for a crazy plan involving getting an ex-pilot back into action with a new partner, a nuke... and punching monsters in the face.

Yeah. Honestly, I'm just gonna stick with the 'giant robots punch giant monsters in the face.' Way snappier.

Whoever wins, it's going to look awesome.

This really is the epitome of the summer blockbuster. Big, loud, pretty, and not utterly stupid, and not without flaws. I will admit, discussing it after watching just lead into a long conversation of the film's more silly bits - anyone care to explain the whole digital / analogue engines bit to me again? Hell, the only answer I could come up with is that modern Jaegers have digital engines, which can be on or off (hence digital) where the older nuclear powered Jaeger could be on, off, or overloading... so that's not digital? I don't know.

It is interesting that it doesn't push the human connection into the background either. While making sure a film around giant robots vs. giant monsters is primarily focused on that rather than just it's human cast - looking you, Transformers - the fact that the Jaegers are piloted by two pilots that need to be in sync with each other by linking minds allowed a lot of development in dealing with emotional baggage and the power of teamwork. Very nice. A lot of lesser films would of passed over that.

Most of the more stupid bits to me felt that it wan't a raging plot hole but moreso just bad explanation. The guy in charge of the Jaeger project, Idris Elba who's character's name I forget and so I just called him Stringer Bell, couldn't pilot a Jaeger again without it killing him. He said it was because of radiation poisoning from older Jaeger models - fine, that makes sense, but it was presented that syncing would kill him... which would also make sense, as he piloted alone for a bit which messed him up. But radiation poisoning and sync death are two very different things. It was one or the other, but it was shown as both at the same time which was confusing.

Then you're talking about how we're told that powdered Kaiju bone is ridiculously expensive, yet we have the Bone Slums were poor people live within the rib cage of a long dead Kaiju. Yeah. Considering I can't get a train nowadays without a delay due to some fucker nicking the cabling, I guarantee you those ribs would of lasted about forty seconds surrounded by that many desperately poor people.

The other criticisms I could pull up which are't niggles of misunderstanding - and I'm spoiler tagging this bit here - was that I was highly disappointed that we had so few other Jaegers to play about with, as that got knocked out of the grand plan pretty early, which was a great shame as they were much more visually distinct of all the Jaegers. Boo! 

Look, this film will bring you joy. It's that simple. It's a great, brash, sorta silly film, and it's delivering what it's got with great aplomb and cheer. It's music is bombastic and incredible, and this film is one of those films, films that really must be seen at a cinema with the sound blaring at you and sights dazzling you. And seeing it will hopefully put more studios in the mood to show us new ideas, rather than sequel after sequel. So go see Pacific Rim, now!

Before this film becomes a bust, loses out to Grown Ups 2 and we never see anything new again.

Film Review: Warm Bodies

So. There's actually a second romzomcom out.

Or is it zomromcom? I can never remember. For those of you who felt Shaun of the Dead deserved to create a whole new genre, Warm Bodies is out to continue the trend.

Set in an post-apocalyptic zombie future we follow our self-aware zombie, R, as he goes about his day to day non-existence. Today's flavour of zombie is a bit more savvy than many other films, as we see that zombies parody everyday actions that they used to do, and are even capable of some independent thought. Zombies that give up entirely however morph and become a 'boney,' a shrivelled skeleton creature that only exists to kill and eat. Our zombies here consume brains because not only are they delicious (duh) but in doing so they gain the memories of the victim, briefly reminding them what was like to be alive. As a raiding party containing Julie and her boyfriend Perry loot the remains of a pharmacy store beyond the range of the protected wall of their settlement, a pack of zombies led by R and his 'best friend,' M, attack. As R sees Julie, he pauses, and seems to be drawn to her somehow... until Perry makes the inexcusable error of missing a headshot five feet away, on an unaware target, from an elevated position... with a weapon that appears to be able to do at lest semi-automatic fire.

Look, I'm saying I could of made that shot. And I'm a British man who's never held a gun. And if not? It held more than one freakin' bullet in the round. 

Well, you ain't surviving a zombie apocalypse with such shit aim son, so R beats Perry to death and eats his brains, as Perry decidedly deserved. In doing so, R absorbs enough of Perry's memories to make that attraction strong enough that he rescues Julie, hiding her away in his den of a old 747.

From here we see the relationship between R and Julie slowly develop, which each step leading R to feel more and more human. However, Julie has to return home, but R's condition seems to be spreading to the other zombies, which starts a conflict between the corpses and the boneys... and also the humans, who are kinda legitimately worried with the mother of all zombie gatherings on their doorstop. So R has to find a way to get the girl, convince a gung-ho nutter not to kill him on principle, avert an all out war between boneys, corpses and humans, and do it all with barely any ability to speak and with the dexterity of a, ah, zombie. Simples!

Personally, I'm just happy to have a male protagonist who's gormless express is actually intended... and not because he hated the source material

Admittedly, whilst I acknowledge Shaun of the Dead for starting this genre, it's pretty much due to Twilight's success this got made. Like vampire, but with zombies! Only this film isn't trying to push an abstinence Mary-Sue agenda, instead realising it has a funny concept here it'd like to play with. And in fairness, it is a nice twist on the regular zombie formula with zombie with a bit of computing power between the ears existing alongside the more mindless versions. A lot of the funny moments are R's insights and self awareness, likes his resignation that the traditional zombie shuffle walk doesn't get you where you want to be any time quickly.

Honestly, it could of done with a lot more of these moments, as this film is kinda a slow build. A lot of the time is spent building on the budding relationship between R and Julie, feeling more 'romantic' than 'comedy' with it's soundtrack and pacing but it comes off very sweet so I'll give it a pass there. Otherwise the comedy comes from M's brilliant contrasting behaviour to zombie's norms, R's battles with zombie-impaired dexterity and becoming more like a human, and latecomer Nora's quips. One of the biggest laughs from the audience was R realizing he was not only cold, but that being cold sucks. In fact I really enjoyed watching the subtle changes in R's makeup as he slowly became more human-like, with his eye shadow lightening and his dark veins fading.

It had a lot of soundtrack to go through, though it would drop the ball here and there. Zombies attempting a badass walk to Rock You Like A Hurricane? Yes. Very yes. Cuts out way too soon.

There are bits to nit-pick, as there always is. At the end of the film, with the boneys massing to attack the zombies that had left, the humans are fearing a giant push on their settlement. Makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that instead of fighting them behind a nice, sturdy wall in a strong defensive position, they go out on attack. Where they split up. Into small groups. Against an enemy that can see in the dark. That moves really fucking fast when they want to. That can only be killed by a direct hit to a small, rapidly moving part of their body.

Clearly, their leader, Julie's dad, was called 'Colonel' in a honourary sense 'cos there is no way he was in the actual military before the apocalypse.

Also, what was with his doubt that R couldn't change and was still an unfeeling zombie? Dude, the fact that he's standing right in front of you, chilling out, not currently engaged in gnawing on the nearest person's head... that's surely a giveaway, right? The whole, 'not currently actively engaged in feasting on the living in contrast to every other zombie ever' thing? Doesn't register? Colonel my arse. You found a box of army surplus medals and pinned them on you before anyone suspected a thing.

Alright, fine, there's little niggles and inconsistencies, and it isn't a laugh a minute like Airplane! (though in truth, nothing is ever getting to close to that accolade.) But Warm Bodies is surprisingly sweet, with a very touching ending. Whilst it swung more towards romance than comedy, you know what? A healthy does of zombies makes it very palatable to me. Give the trailer a watch. Whilst the trailer may showcase quite a few of the best lines if it seems like something you can dig, go for it. It'll be a romantic comedy that both women and overcompensating men can enjoy.

Wait, did I just sum up a review with, 'Eh, watch the trailer, it'll be all you need to make a decision'? Jesus, I am the worst reviewer ever.

Ugh. Even in death I can't escape shitty media.

Whilst I'm here I'll talk a bit about when I do reviews, what you should expect to see from me. I'm not really interested in doing big, blockbuster stuff, as I sincerely doubt I'll add anything to the mix. I will be instead try to focus on the littler, small scale stuff, such as Rise of the Guardians as I did before. The biggest thing I've done is Pratchett's Dodger, and that's only due to I was gushing about the book and if I didn't write it down I was in serious danger of getting lamped from a passing stranger as I unloaded my love for the book on them.

Film review: Rise Of The Guardians

So I still got some ideas after declaring I was empty. Last week I ran out, and I turned to the news to prattle on about something... then I turned the fuck right back around and walked away. Fortunately, over the weekend I made a trip to the cinema and saw the new film by Dreamworks, Rise Of The Guardians.

It occurs to me without my lovely and very patient girlfriend this sort of film would be denied to me. Like Dreamworks previous outing, How To Tame Your Dragon, I was highly aware if I, an alleged adult who's just about closer to thirty than twenty, went into this film alone I would be led out in handcuffs and banned from ever going nearer than fifty feet from a school playground as a precaution. However, like before, I could grab my aforementioned very brilliant and patient girlfriend and bring her into the cinema with me, all the while going, 'SEE, THIS IS DATE NOW, I CAN GO IN, IT'S ALL GOOD, I AM NOT HERE TO RE-ENACT SAVILLE, GO ABOUT YOUR DAY.' Which is good, because when I saw this picture...

Coal? Nah, Naughties get beatings

...I had to see it. A gangland tattooed Santa voiced by Jack Donaghy? Hells yes.

Before we go any further, a brief discussion of the ads in the cinema they made me watch. That bloody dust-filled-empty-cinema-due-to-filthy-pirates advert. Ah. No. I saw the returns for Avengers Assemble, Dark Knight Rises, Skyfall and the heaving queue for the Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. I also saw how much you were charging for food. You're doing fine. Shut up.

The Rise Of The Guardians plays it's plot relatively simple; a group of folklore staples (Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Sandman and Tooth Fairy) learn of the return of a old evil and they must band together with new member wild-child who has a mysterious past. So bloody mysterious even he doesn't know it. Elaborated some more, we have Jack Frost (voiced by Chris Pine,) playing the winter trickster. He's the Jack Frost of folklore I barely remember; he nips at your nose, paints windows and creates fun around him. However, he's not all sunshine and rainbows as he cannot interact with the people of the world bar with his powers, even the children whom he spends a lot of time ensuring they enjoy themselves. He knows of other folklore figures, in a nice hint this world is bigger than what this film will get into, but holds little interest in them save from messing with them. However, Pitch Black, (voiced by Jude Law) a creature of nightmares returns, and North, (Santa Claus, voiced by Alec Baldwin) is instructed by the Man On The Moon to assemble the rest of the Guardians. So that introduces us to the silent Sandman, as well as the Bunny and Tooth (the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy, voiced by High Jackman and Isla Fisher respectively.) However the Man On The Moon further instructs them to take Jack. Jack begrudgingly goes with them, originally only because the Man On The Moon said so, who created Jack Frost, but later further motivated by the chance to get his memories back.. From there, it's a running battle of wits and swords as Pitch Dark seeks to create a world of fear by striking at the root of the Guardian's power; the belief of children, by sabotaging what the Guardian's are meant to provide. So, let's say you wanted to see Santa covering for the Tooth Fairy. They got that. They got that down.

From here in, it may get a wee bit spoiler-y, so... you've been warned. So. No bitching.

In terms of the plot, I went into it knowing it would be simple, and wondering if the novelty of Santa swinging a sword in each hand would get old. It doesn't. It's awesome. Santa Claus. With a sword in each hand. Awesome. Whilst staying out of major spoiler territory, there was the cliché 'new guy with troubled past is mistaken for betraying the group' scene which I hate, but it passed briefly enough. Also, minor niggle. Funny little flashback at the end of a scene we'd seen ten minutes early, tops. We didn't need that. Okay fine, it's targeted for kids, but the words enough would of sufficed. So yeah, a little predictable in places, but nothing offensive, and it's the characters and world that more than compensates.

Let's talk about the voice acting. I am not a fan of Chris Pine, who you may remember as Kirk in the recent Star Trek reboot, who bounced from wooden to a Kirk caricature. So let me be the first to say; he did a phenomenal fucking job. The opening monologue of his (even through a small child's shrieking behind me) was perfect, capturing the right mood of sombre, wistfulness and cheek, and he doesn't let up the while way. Brilliant and bravo. In fact, the whole cast deserves mention. Alec Baldwin goes nuts with a ridiculous accent for North which is very enjoyable (which I award bonus points for remembering that Santa isn't American.) Hugh Jackman seems to dial up the Aussie accent rather pleasingly for Bunny, giving him a distinctive lilt. Whilst I've mentioned I dislike the cliché 'new guys mistaken for traitor scene,' when Bunny vents at Jack... it's very clear he's venting, not truly meaning what he says, but is a person suffering a tremendous loss. He follows up with quiet, reflective monologue as he calms down really sells it. And when we come to Jude Law's Pitch... His best delivery is in on, scene, with one line. It's one word. 'No.' It's outstanding. No, no sarcasm here; with one word he displays so much about his character it's chilling. Hah! No. Wait. I meant ugh. Though he seems to be channelling Loki from the Avengers a bit. Not a problem, but I honestly thought I was listening to Tom Hiddlston for a while.

The world, as you would expect, is beautiful and interesting, with the team constant returning to North's workshop... because it's Santa's bloody workshop and while his film's time is set just before Easter, it's Christmas now, so yeah. Why not. The characters are such a joy to be around. North stands out with his accent, permanent enthusiasm and lack of indoor voice. Alec Baldwin is having the time of his life and it's infectious. He swings around two swords and lives in a toy shop crewed by yetis and useless elves, and in a joyful moment, acknowledges that they are bleedin' useless. He would be my favourite, apart from the fact Sandman is here. He's a mute, so he communicates with expressions and crafting sand into images. More importantly, this little guy?

Look at him! He needs cuddles! Yes he does!

Yeah. You don't fuck with him. Ever.

It won't end nice.

I will say however whilst each character gets their moments, there was a loser of the bunch. Tooth, unlike the others, I feel she didn't get enough defining moments. As the first to be weakened she was damsel-ing it up for a lot of the film. I don't ever remember a particular fighting style or big moment of badass, which was disappointing. The biggest 'Oh, cool!' moment for her wasn't even about her really; I really dug the idea that she collects teeth as they contain the best memories of childhood, and she keeps them safe to return later should adults need them. Very sweet and a nice twist, but ultimately, that's about what she collects, not about her. Sometimes Pitch's character confused me, as it was hard to gauge how powerful he was. It was strange to consider it felt plausible that all five together could pound him flat, but he had 'Can't Touch Me' annoyance powers and dicked around weakening everyone whilst he built up power, so he entered the final As Unto A God.

What left the cinema with me was mainly a memory of lots of little moments, lots of character interactions and reflections. With Jack it was the all details of his voice work, watching the sand come down at night and seeing his satisfaction that the children will sleep well tonight, or his brilliant come back proving he helps children, 'I make snow days.' For North it was booming compliments to his elves as they fuck up. The whole gang's face as they realise they took teeth for Tooth yet forgot to leave money. Sandman's conjuring of a little bowler hat so he can doff it in greeting. So. Many. Scenes. That I will not talk about, as you need to see them, so I won't ruin them for you.

Wrapping up? I really can't do better than Movie Bob's 'Like the Avengers, but with Santa' summary. It's a pretty film, with interesting, vibrant characters if a standard plot. I, an alleged adult, highly enjoyed it, and I recommend it... as long as you're not allergic to kids. Yeah. The ending will annoy you in that case. It feels like they want to make a franchise outta this, and I say go for it. I saw it in 2D, so I can't comment on the 3D.

That being said, you're probably going to skip this in favour of the Hobbit. Which is fair. But pick this up on DVD at least or you're missing out.