Let the election race... end already. Please.

So we have a new election system now. It's used to be a ruling party got around fourish years, and could declare an election whenever they wanted close to that wibbly time limit.

It clearly wasn't the greatest system, as it put way to much power in the jackasses currently running the show. Showing up high recently in the polls? Quick, take advantage of that and call a snap election! Got a short sighted economic plan, that whilst doomed to fail, will produce a temporary positive blip in a few months? Call it then. Been revving up you campaign engine? Catch the opposition flat footed by going full steam ahead whilst your opponents struggle for policies other than 'not want he wants.'

So now, like clockwork, we're getting them every five years. No ruling party cock-dickery, at last! 

There is only good sides to this, right?

Only now instead of fourish years of jackasses in power, it's five.

And instead of getting a election season that would last a few months at best, we're getting it for a whole fucking year.

Great. Fucking amazing. Because there is no one worth my time voting for, and I have to listen to them bitching at each other for the next year. So happy.

Let's go over them in turn, shall we?

I don't why David Cameron has bothered to turn up, as his leadership has proven he's utterly incompetent at everything.

I mean, fucking seriously, guys. He may of said that the depression was Labour's fault it so many times we've all started to believe it (in fairness, they didn't help much, but it was a global problem, not just theirs) but he has presided over the worst recovery in recorded history. And that article is two fucking years old, and it hasn't improved much since! He's fucked the NHS, fucked up on borrowing, fucked up education, fucking on welfare, fucked up living standards, fucked up on immigration, fucked up every service we had, fucked up everything including fucking because the one small bit of success he has had is pushing porn filters and porn censorship on us. His next step is Austerity 2: Austerity Harder which is pretty depressing because we're pretty sick of it now already, let alone what cuts his fevered wet dreams are about. The only reason he turns up is because people vote for him. Which is a reason, I guess.

I don't know why Nick Clegg turns up, as his word is worthless.

No, seriously, why is Nick Clegg even here? For four years he has been ripping up every pledge he ever made and pissed on it. Whatever he says now in this election race has to be taken in context that historically, whatever he says has no bearing on what he will do. His word is meaningless, and is completely untrustworthy. Hell, I'm not even being mean - you can find the videos of the bugger claiming things he later will shit on. Plenty of people voted for a Liberal Democrat years ago and got a Tory. The only reason he's turning up is to give credence to the notion he wasn't just in it for a single term of deputy Prime Ministering before he swanned off into the horizon with his cabinet pension.

I don't know why Ed Miliband turns up, as he's the wrong brother for the job.

Yeah, this point is actually a little mean. Strictly speaking, it shouldn't matter who you are, how personable you are, what you look like, what you sound like, if your ideas are good. Tragically, this is fucking politics, son, and all of that bullshit really fucking matters. It does not further help that he's spent the last few years flustered as people go, 'No, seriously, when is the other brother coming out?' so he's dropped all his notes and forgotten any ideas apart from aping Tory plans and sitting there awkwardly as he gets blamed for all our economic woes. I'm conflicted between giving him an encouraging hug and kicking him up the arse for handing the election to Davy' boy on a platter. He's only here because four years ago, everyone in the Labour party mixed his and his brothers names on the leadership ballot and now we're stuck with him.

I don't know why Nigel Farage turns up, because he only has one policy.

New, just in! You, sir! Have you tried Getting out of Europe! Why, it increases muscle densitity, concentration, encourages hair growth, tries the waistline, gets your wife back in the kitchen, gets those dirty gypos of the street, and increases the libedo! Nigel has one policy, and that's to get out of Europe. In fact, he's be better off not turning up but just leaving a sign up whenever question that just states "EUROPE=BAD" because at least that sign won't be caught saying anything racist, sexist, homophobic, or allegedly rigging postal votes. He's only turning up because he reckons more Tories will defect to him, and he's probably right.

I don't know why Natalie Bennett turns up, because everyone thinks she only has one policy.

It's the name. Green Party. Oh, that's the environment one, right? Of everyone has green policies, now. Pass. The Green Party needs a definite name change, or re branding, or media presence... which they will never get because the media is more blue than the air after Frankie Boyle stubs his toe. Tragically, the Green Party has a lot of good, popular policies - they want EU reform, failing that, a referendum, renationalising the NHS, power and railways (which everyone wants) and a whole bunch of decent economic ideas. Okay, fine, in fairness to the hatedom I have going they have some stupid idiotic policies on nuclear power and GM crops as well. However, nobody any of their policies, and nobody cares, because whilst the Greens have earned their own MP and councils for years, since UKIP scored a defector or two that's all the media will talk about. She's only turning up in rage that all their hard fought achievements are being ignored over the news of a Tory party member switching to a different Tory party.

I don't know why any independent candidates turn up, because our first past the post system actively conspires to keep them out.

And thank you so very much for that, Nick Clegg, aka The Traitor King, for fucking up the Alternative Vote referendum so bad. No, seriously, it is basically pointless to run as an independent.

Sigh. So I am left with no one. Or, as I insist on doing something in a voting booth because not doing so is consent to be treated like cattle, I am left with finding one that annoys me the least.

New rule: the party leader with the best rendition of 'Let It Go' has my vote. Done.