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Sometimes I know, way ahead of time, just what I'm going to speak about. Sometimes it'll be a quick something, and sometimes it'll be so big I can't talk about is coherently, but I have to break it into a over-sized illegible stream of consciousness. And this week, it's totally one of those weeks.

So thanks to Davy boy Cameron, we now know the biggest threat to our country. It's not cigarettes, as he's stopped the plain packaging initiative. It's not shale gas fracking, as he's said that's all fine, and water's meant to come out the tap on fire. It's not the dehumanization of people, as we have the racist van. It's not the destruction of the NHS, because he's done that ages ago.

It's porn.

Terrible, terrible porn.

Porn is the worst thing there is, and is going to be banned.

Well, I say banned, I mean it's going to be blocked from the ISP's directly and you'll have to ask them very nicely to turn their bloody filters off. And here's where I start getting a headache, because this whole thing is so utterly stupid, I have no idea where to start.

Let's start at the basic issues - the actual technical ability to do such a thing. One thing we were all apparently very proud of is that we've blocked The Pirate Bay from British shores. Whoo. Go us. Unfortunately, this isn't really true. For starters, The Pirate Bay takes a perverse delight in that it's had more down time due to drunken shenanigans than actual litigated blocks, and I, and by extension anyone in Britain, can easily still get on The Pirate Bay if so desired by it's myriad options of proxys.

Secondly, using filters? Really? Really. Great, so let's try something; porn, sex, penetration, hot, sexy, rammed, creampie, cum, blonde, lesbian, gay, big cock, fucking.

Does this mean my poxy little blog will now be banned? Because how is this actually going to work? Because honestly, the notion that my barely-read blog of all things is causing the moral decay of Britain, and is treated as such by the relevant authorities, fills me with a impish glee.

You're either going to filter so poorly that you'll miss things, like my phone; it came with adult content blocked, but nude pictures incorporated into Twitter had no issue getting through. Or you'll filter so strongly you'll block so much legitimate content it's legitimately un-fucking-funny. Each one of those words I dropped has serious non-porn connotations, and I'm honestly worried stuff like LGBT support groups, or sexual health / awareness sites are going to find themselves on the wrong side of this damn filter.

Secondly, what sort of porn are we talking about here? Because there's some real sodding variety out there in terms of erotic content: the classic photos, the newer videos, the brand new streaming content, to erotic poetry and literature. How's that going to work? Because, damn, we humans like a variety of wank material. I remember a comedian telling an old joke, "the internet is the only place where you'll ask for goat porn and it'll ask you back 'what sort of goat?'" And good luck trying to neatly snip out the porn and leave everything else intact.

Yet, amusingly, stuff like The Sun, The Daily Mail and The Daily Star have nothing to worry about. The latter and former have topless women on page 3 (often when I pass the newspaper stands, some helpful individual has peeled back the first page to ogle and hasn't turned it back, so everyone can see. Will someone please think of the children?) The Daily Mail's website on the other hand, is often filled with half-dressed teenagers, which is creepy as all fuck, people. But nope, they're not affected by this bullshit.

Oh, Daily Mail... change. Like, right now, you fucked up, evil, bastards.

Maybe The Daily Mail's website will fall afoul of the law, hopefully, which is the one silver lining of this whole crap.

The hypocrisy is incredible. Like the Traitor King, Nick Clegg going on about abolishing top up fees before tripling them, I remember Davy boy going on about how the nanny state is wrong and should be dismantled. That and how the Conservative party really should stop banging on about Europe, so it's just been a few bad months for you, hasn't it?

And then there's the whole 'rape porn' thing, which is... yeah... what? Ah. Davy boy. You do know, that a lot of the rape stuff out there? That's fantasy. It's fiction. Not that it doesn't exist, (sadly) but it's a scripted fantasy. And in the darker corners of the internet, where it isn't, where it's the real, sickening, deal? Well, it turns out, that's already illegal. Because rape is already illegal. Duh. Wait, does this mean Deliverance and The Clockwork Orange will now be illegal? What about that South Park episode with Indiana Jones 4? Actually, what about Indiana Jones 4?

You see, I choose not to see it, Matt and Trey. Somehow, I feel I'm the winning here.

What I seriously find disturbing is how this is being stated. Oh, that guy who raped and murdered Tia, he had 'normal' porn on his computer, and then later 'bad' porn, ergo all porn is evil and leads to pedophile rapists.

That argument.

Just that fucking argument.

Yeah, I bet you found coffee in his home as well, right? COFFEE MAKES YOU A PEDOPHILE RAPIST, QED.

So what this actually means, when you finally decide you've had enough of not being able to get to half of your internet, and ask your ISP to please take off the stupid fucking block, the government will treat you a potential sex criminal. Whee. Not a person sick to death of stupid, useless fucking filter's - no, as a potential sex offender. Great.

Quick question, to all you MPs: any of you know what a VPN is? No. Cool.

A VPN? Oh, don't worry. It's a type of... sweet. Yes. A... Very... Pineapple... Nougat. You should just forget about it, really. It's irrelevant, honestly.

Hmm. At this point does it really need to be said that this idea is a giant 'fuck you' to all our civil liberties? Huh. No, I see you all got that. The whole 'censoring the internet' thing does make people awfully nervous. I'm holding out that the EU may see this idea, and tell us to knock it off. While once again, this'll mean the EU is a champion and restorer of British people's human rights, it will unfortunately mean for a while they'll have to run a gauntlet of 'SICK EU SAY THAT IT'S A HUMAN RIGHT FOR TO PEDOPHILES DOWNLOAD ALL THE SICK TEENAGER PORN THEY WANT, LOOK AT ALL THEIR HOT, UNDERAGE, YOUTHFUL, GLISTENING BODIES ON PAGE 5.'

Perhaps I need another angle to get my point across. So. Let's try this out.

Look, Davy boy. I'm in my house. The curtain's are drawn. I have my headphones in. I'm all alone.

May I have a wank now? Please?