Book review: George MacDonald Fraser's Flashman

Last week I buggered off to Tenerife. An enjoyable time was had, but this isn't an article detailing my holiday pics – I don't want to drive away the, hmm, three people that come here. But as we know, for a beach holiday you need books. Many books. I did not quite have many books, so perusing the duty free I noticed this book, and picked it up. I remembered that the Commissar Cain series was often referred to as Flashman in space, so hey, gotta be good right? So let's review George MacDonald Fraser's Flashman.

I could of done a better picture, but this book didn't deserve it.

Now us Brits like us some unpleasant characters. Look back at The Young Ones, Blackadder, and today The Misfits and the returning Red Dwarf are all great examples – and for that matter, series. I really enjoy the Commissar Cain series by Sandy Mitchel – a cowardly commissar in the grim dark future of the 41^st millennium where the norm is terrible, terrible war. So I'm quite comfortable about spending time with flawed characters – a certain charm and wit will make them enjoyable.

Flashman is none of these these.

I regret giving this author my money. I regret that I can't stop reading a book when partially read. I regret spending time with such an odious, despicable character. I regret the fact I will have the memory of what I read echoing around my head for quite a while. I regret so much.

The titular character is Harry Flashman and fuck this shit of a human being. Okay, it's written turn of the century, so I was expecting a moral compass more tuned to the times regarding many aspects. But... no. Whatever the age, he is an unfunny, cowardly, bullying rapist.

Comparing him to Commissar Ciaphas Cain? Bullshit. Cain is smarter, more charming, more brutal on himself, has a sense of duty, and oh yeah: Not a rapist. But let's backtrack. Let's list Flashman's crimes.

• He is a bully. Joy.
• He cheats out a duel via bribery, and laughs and taunts at his accomplice when he comes looking for his money.
• Beats his father's mistress because she wouldn't sleep with him a second time, chortling to himself that she'll never forget him now.
• Names his horse after said mistress. Classy.
• Coward of an unfunny degree. Anything happens around him and he instantly bolts. In danger he constantly weeps, begs and bribes for mercy.
• Beats his servants because.
• Man slut. He should be full of syphilis by now. Once he sent a soldier on a highly dangerous mission just to separate him from his wife long enough for him to fuck her.
• Back to the man slut; gets intensely jealous at the notion his wife is having an affair when he spent the last six months putting his dick into anything willing – and also unwilling.

There is more, but I refuse to re-read this book to continue this list. Not very professional, but sorry, I'm not suffering any more. The sad fact is that he tries to justify things. Like the rape. He says he doesn't like doing it. That makes it okay, right? Well, no. Not ever. Double no if he kidnaps the woman who he had raped previously, and to get revenge for her husband whipping the shit outta him and her intention of cutting off his dick... he tries to rape her again.

You. Utter. Scum.

Let's compare him to Cain for a minute. Cain's not a rapist. Or a sexist. Or a racist (speciesist, in fairness.) Cain would laugh at his cowardice. When the shooting starts, Cain dives for cover, assesses the situation, and if it's too hot, slinks away. Flashman's first instinct is to bolt. Hell, Cain would laugh; that's a good way to get shot in the back if you're not careful. Flashman hides in a tent. Cain would do his duty and be seen by the men. Flashman is passively part of a disastrous retreat from Afghanistan to India. Cain would trample on his own reputation to get into the leadership's circle and make it work. Cain is funny, witty, charming, and brutal in his own assessment of his own behaviour, as he flees danger into a bigger danger. Flashman waves away his behaviour by saying 'well, I said I'm a coward, so it's fine now I've said it.' In the face of imminent death, Cain puts on his false hero face and banters and snarls in defiance. Flashman weeps, shits himself, begs, offers money, weeps some more. Oh – no wait, he never shits or wets himself. Bully for him.

I wanted this shit of a character to die. I wanted him to die at the aforementioned whipping; oh, he realises the powerlessness he feels is the same as what he put his victims through. Well great for you. You don't do anything about it. I wanted him to get his dick chopped off and stuffed in his mouth. I wanted...

Oh, shit. I am reviewing a book. Allegedly. No more hate-tangents. Er. Side characters! He gets married, and as the whole book is written first person (see? Reviewing!) we get to learn that one of the most attractive things about her is her stupidity oh fuck this book. Fuck this author. Fuck this series.

Plot: A prick get kicked out of school, joins the army, fucks a girl, gets sent to India, then Afghanistan, then goes home, being a prick the whole way. The end.

Don't buy this book. Buy Sandy Mitchell's Commissar Cain series. Or if you want funny British empire IN SPACE try Space Captain Smith by Toby Frost.

Purchasing information:

Flashman is out in many book stores and probably on ebook but I'm not providing any links here because you shouldn't buy this terrible book. Don't give the author any money. Instead look at Sandy Mitchell's Commissar Cain series, available in book stores and sometimes at Games Workshop starting here and available on ebook here. If you're not a Warhammer 40K fan, than please look at Space Captain Smith also available in book stores, found here and as ebook here.