'Tis the season where we celebrate a
foreign national invading our borders and commencing the biggest
spree of illegal breaking and entering we see from one person, before
he departs sniggering into the night, leaving behind a horde of
suspicious packages. Or at least, it will be, once I submit those
words to any tabloid and have them decide that it's time to start a
real War On Christmas, but from the other side. 'He breaks into your
kid's bedroom at night with stockings, the sick freak! He also is
morbidly obese and a drain on our NHS! Disgusting! And did you know,
did you know, that Jesus is not from around here!?!
Ahrglebargle it's health and safety gone mad!'
I've gotten into the spirit of things
by picking up the seasonal cold, so I've actually spent some of my
sick days this year. It does mean that for once I will not to giving
my co-workers my cold, which could be taken strictly speaking as a
selfish act, because now I'm not going to give them anything. Well,
expect perhaps a minutia of trivia regarding Avatar: The Last
Airbender but I think I may have got that for them last year and
they didn't appreciate it then.
I've noticed Christmas music this
season more so than ever since my trusted MP3 player took a short
swim in my water glass, before deciding to take a long nap it has
yet to wake from. Now I'm assaulted by the same bloody songs over and
over, or worse, the same songs re-done in a slightly different way
that ruins the original. Which I already disliked. I miss being able
to drown them out with Miracle Of Sound. Not that I want to go on a
complete 'Oh god, not Christmas' rant, but has that music ever
encouraged a sale? All I see is a sea of shoppers with a twitching
left eye hissing curse words about it being the seventeenth time
today they've heard that song. Besides, I don't mind Christmas. I
have a birthday coming up, and I have a special breed of narcissism
that enables me to believe the whole world is decorating itself up
for me.
My true rant, the true crime, however,
is about my hat.
It's important.
 |
| Look at it. |
I got this in true British fashion; in
London, in a tourist trap booth ran by a nice Chinese lady whilst
meeting up with my university friends. Not only do I like the design,
but it's long enough to cover my ears. This itself in unusual, as
every beanie I own is too small to do that. So it's a hat that both
keeps my ears warm and drowns out evil shop music.
There is a small problem with it. Look
at again:
|
| LOOK AT IT. |
See it? Yeah, there's your problem;
it's a giant Union Flag. For those of you not from Britain, (and I
apologize for you stumbling upon my nonsense) it makes me look like a
BNP member. Or to pronounce it properly, the B-N-Bloody-P. I've
referred to them before disparagingly as the 'British Nazi Party' but
that's Godwin-ing it very early in the day and sadly that's something
they'd probably aspire to. (Ahem. For legal reasons, let's addendum
an 'allegedly,' there.) Every time I look at Nick Griffin's face, I
see a man who most likely watches Nazi documentaries in his underwear
touching himself inappropriately.
I once saw my reflection in a train
window, late back on a long trip. Tiredness made my expression
haggard, laziness allowed a meagre band of stubble to creep around my
jaw, the dim lighting threw my person into shadow, I was drawn into a
battered leather coat for warmth... and I still looked like a
colossal geek. I wear one of three hoodies out and about (I mean,
wearing more than one would be ridiculous);
a Space Invaders hoody, an Essex Uni hoody and a Mass Effect hoody.
Truly, I am an intimidating sight, with my video game related
clothing and glasses. But when I used to wear this hat, people
crossed the street to avoid me. Me. Good old geeky me. Even when
wearing a university hoody that had explicitly banned the BNP from
ever turning up on campus; which was a shame, because that would of
resulted in some awesome heckling. Wearing the Union Flag is
difficult with the recent associations it carries. It's not a sign of
patriotism any more, or even a sign that you found a hilarious kooky
hat to ambush on your friends, nope, not anymore. Wearing on your
person marks you out as a homophobic, Islamaphobic, hygiene-allergic,
illiterate thug, who wants nothing more than to, how would they put
it? 'Geeet the daaaarkies outta my country.' That flag will mark you
out as someone who's debating language and ability to akin to a chimp
jumping up and down a sandbox screeching 'Mine! Mine!' whilst
flinging their own shit.
So with a sigh of relief I've noticed
as the weather gets colder the BNP's influence wanes. (LINK Graph of
BNP seats
http://extremisproject.org/2012/10/the-rise-and-fall-of-the-bnp-in-one-graph/)
They've been getting less and less popular recently, even Nick
Griffin's recent flumblings on Twitter got him
national mockery as well as police attention. As a protest vote,
people are seeking others. As a outlet of aggression, the more active
EDF or whatever are stealing their limelight. Finally I can wear my
hat in peace, free of thuggish, brutish guilt by association...
 |
| What. |
 |
| OH GOD DAMN IT. |
OH COME ON GUYS. Seriously. My ears are
cold.
So, there's been a change in Belfast from flying the Union Flag everyday when they feel like it, special occasions and the like. Well, some people felt that this change wasn't right, and others felt... that there isn't enough things on fire today. The sad thing is that the protesters over the change in flag policy were 99% peaceful, but it's that bleedin' 1-bloody-percent that's
gotta make everyone look bad. I'm pretty sure the most people who
want to keep the flag realize that trashing the place and setting
everything on fire is not exactly the best way to promote your
ideals. It's basic opportunism (from what I've lazily glanced over)
from a small group and it's pissing in my cereal. It is admittedly a
little amusing I can't wear my British flag hat because of something
that Ireland's doing. And once again, my hat must go back in the
draw.
|
| Goodbye, hat. |
Don't these people realize what they're
doing to my ears? Assaulting them with shitty repeating Christmas
music and cold. I couldn't tolerate being tarred with the BNP brush,
how am I going to cope with the riot brush? Monsters. They are
actually going to force me to go out and buy another hat for this
year. It could cost me up to, like, a tenner. That's a lot of
doughnuts. Cold and abused ears or no doughnuts? A tough call. See my
existential turmoil!
So in answer to your unasked question,
no, I don't really have anything interesting to talk about this week.
Sorry.
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