So let's talk about the newest, and
simply named Tomb Raider game, where first we must discuss two
important points:
- Yes, I am late to the party, as I was with Far Cry 3. I don't buy games when they come out any more, I wait until prices drop. Any publishers angsty that this behaviour may effect sales figures can please address EA for this, because until them, I used to be a first day buyer. And yes, I am still butthurt over Mass Effect 3. Deal with it. Lord knows my partner reluctantly has.
- Yeah, I'm not a Tomb Raider fan.
For the longest time I just could not
give a shit about the Tomb Raider franchise. Some of that was
due to the fact that I grew up in an Nintendo household, and thus
missed out on Tomb Raider which was coming out mostly for the
Playstation. However, when I was exposed to it via friend's consoles,
I still can't say I was impressed, having an especially vivid memory
of watching someone be stuck in an early room for over half an hour
because the jumping controls were so bad. Look, past friend who's
name I forget, remember Mario 64? Yeah, because that game just
fucking nailed platforming in a 3D environment first time out of the
gate, so you're not impressing me. And later games? Weeeelll...
 |
| Somewhere, the Everyday Sexism Project is weeping. |
This. Just... this. Thighs. Thighs and
tits. No face, because the important thing is the thighs and tits.
This was Tomb Raider for me. No stellar gameplay (most people
I knew who played would still grudgingly admit prevailing camera and
control issues.) No enthralling story. No must-see gameplay
mechanics. All of Tomb Raider that came across was, 'Lookit
dem jugs.' And look at that box art again, just... it's pathetic. For
all I know, the story, controls, environment, gameplay... could be
fantastic. Just tits came first. And when you advertise to me tits
first, in my view, it comes across that you've got nothing else worth
seeing, and that you're desperately hoping that bouncing jubbly
goodness will distract me from the flaws. And you know what?
Re-reading my work, I can come across as a man so enamoured with
gender equality that I despise breasts in all forms, that they should
be covered up at all times and shunned away, especially regarding my
views on stupid female costumes. But no. In truth, I like breasts.
Like, really like breasts. I am rather fond of them. They're in my
top five things of best things evar (or is that BREAST things evar am
I ohgodIhatemyself) but when you blatantly appeal to my penis
I, ironically enough, get turned off. My penis doesn't deal with
financial decisions for a reason. Besides, I have porn. We all have
porn. Selling a product on the basis of glimpsing at breasts is
completely useless in this day and age of ubiquitous porn. If I want
breasts, I'll go to porn, thanks. You're not needed.
Also her costume is stupid, did I
mention that? That is not the wear for dicking about the inside of
tombs. You'll get cut all over, and get three hundred year-old
smallpox rubbed in your open wounds, and die alone and unloved
shivering in the fetal position, in the back of a damp and smelly
cave in the middle of nowhere, to be found by the next wandering
idiot in four thousand years time. And how would you take out your
raided loot from said tomb? It's not like that outfit suggests any
carry space. Hell, even the film outings annoyed me, regardless of
Anglina's Jolie's... assets. Her smirk as a giant lumbering animated
statue advances on her, the 'Yeah, I do this all the time,' look? If
you do this all the time, why do you only bring a pair of bloody
pistols? If aggressive giant lumbering animated statues was a
regular feature of the health and safety risk assessment of my day
job, I wouldn't be bringing along just a set of poxy pistols. H&S
would likely be insisting all employees to be provided with an
assault rifle with three hundred rounds, with every fifth person
equipped with an underslung grenade launcher, alongside the standard
steel toe cap boots, high visibility jackets, ear plugs and enough
accident report forms to cover every eventuality.
So, I am not a traditional fan, yet I
got this new game. Square Enix's Tomb Raider was the first
Tomb Raider I have ever bought. So why? And was it worth it?
(From here on in, we gots spoilers. Be
warned.)
For the why, it may have slightly been
motivated by that bow on the cover. Yeah. Far Cry 3 remnants,
that. However, Lara here puts the Dragonborn from Skyrim and
Jason Brody from Far Cry 3 to shame. None of this pull back,
pull back, pull back a little bit more, hear that creak, nearly
there, pull back just a wee bit more, ah! There we go! We can fire an
arrow that does actual damage and goes more then four feet forward,
though unfortunately the enemy has either died of old age at this
point or has already killed you, buried you in an unmarked grave,
retired with honour from the military and has peacefully settled down
with his childhood sweetheart and now runs a inn with the assistance
of their grandchildren. Nah. You look, it's nocked. Like that. Bam!
Nocked. Ready to go. Fire one, flies clear and true, nocked, ready
again. She must have arms like tree trunks. Get in an arm-wresting
match with this Croft and she'll rip your arm straight off and beat
you to death with it. God that bow is fun. And then you can fire fire
arrows whenever you damn well please. I am Lara Croft. The Angel of
Burny Happy Agony Death. That'll teach you to pay me less, chauvinist
pig.
The story thus far has been pretty
solid, though admittedly I'm on the last level so it's still possible
it'll pull a small scale Mass Effect 3 ending on me but I doubt it.
Lara and a bunch of archaeology friends are going searching for an
ancient queen tomb thing, as you do, and your boat (and shit) gets
royally wrecked. You wake up on basically the island from Lost:
crazy cult people, mysterious weather phenomenon, supernatural forces
keeping you on the island, etc. Only this time focus is spent on a
lost seventeen year old girl wielding a bow fighting off waves of
insane islanders while being beaten bloody by the universe, and
there's no Kate, Jack or Walt. So basically it's way better than
Lost.
On a more serious note, this game did
attract me with a greater emphasis on story and empathy. Her decision
to wear trousers helped as well. Any criticisms I fare about her
clothes are probably backed by Lara herself, as firstly, she was just
chillin' in the boat when Shit Got Real and so this wasn't her
pragmatic tomb raiding outfit of choice, (it's more sort of casual
wear and she really doesn't get an opportunity to change out of it,)
and secondly, Lara is aware that it's not adequate survival wear.
Watching her shivering, sopping wet, hunched over a fire as the rain
and wind lashed down in the first chapter kinda drove that one home.
I'm chillin' in my apartment, and my bare, muscular, famously ripped
arms get a little bit cold, I'll put on this light hoodie (but maybe
not right now because it'll take like twenty minutes to tease it over
these bulging biceps,) and she's out in the rain in a strappy top? I
am this close from buying the DLC that gives her a leather
bomber jacket out of sympathy.
Of course, what this game is about is
that it's a prequel, setting up Lara as the ass-kicker she becomes,
which is does so by beating the bejeezus outta her. The only way she
could take any further damage is to be put in Chris Brown's care for
twenty minutes. Now this was to promote empathy of the player for
Lara, which for me got mixed results. For starters, while the opening
scene of her shivering felt most compelling, there's also a
disconnect between the player and the character regarding
temperature: it's freezing cold to her, but I, am perfectly warm, and
I will make her swim to the bottom of that pond as many times as it
takes to get that collectible, 'cos I ain't suffering here in my
chair. Not only that, whilst emphasis was placed on her lack of power
compared to her enemies, as an experienced gamer, it didn't stick. In
real life, if six armed men went to attack a lone woman, it would be
one of the most terrifying and harrowing experience life would have
to offer. In game, I can walk out of the encounter without taking a
single hit, and possibly do it mostly in melee to avoid expending
ammo if I'm feeling frugal. Square Enix didn't fully commit to some
of the more sexual nature of the aggression displayed, which I'm
glad: if I'd have failed a Quick Time Event and was shown Lara
getting raped for my ham-fistedness I would have been sick to my
stomach. Instead you just get killed, which while prompting a
distasteful, 'You're doing rape wrong!' joke from me is infinitely
more preferable than the alternative.
Lara's comparable weakness is shown in
subtle little gameplay mechanics as well: Lara must aim to use her
weapons, narrowing her field of view and removing the common hip-fire
that most protagonists get, and her starter melee option is... a
shove. One little, insignificant shove. I was more aware of the smoke
and mirrors trying to get me to buy into the illusion than I was
buying into the illusion. I didn't mind, it was sort of like watching
Penn & Teller; if the work behind the scenes is impressive enough
you'll still be entertained. One moment in particular had me charmed:
when climbing up a crevice in a storm, rocks shifted above you and
came tumbling down, and as Lara shielded herself, you could just see
her bottom lip start to tremble. Aw. Lara. I'll get you out of this.
Then we got to the Shantytown injury
scene.
Ohh. So, for context, gravity hates
Lara Croft. You cannot go more than five steps without something
collapsing underfoot, something above you crashing down, you falling
over and sliding down a slope, you falling over causing you to go
sliding down a slope whilst something above you crashes down and
chases, etc. It got to the the point that every time I was yelling,
'Lara, what did you do to gravity?' Because gravity was
getting personal. I came to the conclusion that either Lara
has stood up the anthropomorphic personification of gravity at a date
once, or gravity was enraged at her boobs, and could not tolerate
such wilful defiance to it's laws. Anyway, one above average tumble
later, Lara's limping, and talking about how this time she really
needs some first aid. Okay. Fine. Makes sense. So I go about trying
to scramble up buildings trying to collect collectibles and Lara
starts squealing in pain, and the screen fades out with every jump,
threatening death. I hurriedly apologize to Lara – okay, you're
actually really hurt, I didn't realise you were being serious,
I'll come back for the collectibles later. I'm sorry. Lara spies a
helicopter, she reasons there must be a first aid kit in there, I go
along, that's seems reasonable, and one application of magic bandages
later and I'll be able to get her to backtrack and scramble up those
buildings to get those delicious collectibles. Groovy. Now we get
into the helicopter: no bandages. Nuts. Guess I'll be stuck with
gimpy Lara for a little while longer. However, Lara's kinda
diminishing fast, and doesn't have time to keep looking.
On the other hand, she does have a
working lighter, a metal arrowhead, and a resigned calculating
expression.
Ohhhh. Ow. Yeah, Lara, you do that.
Quick scene of her getting the arrowhead red hot, and she hesitantly
brings it to her side... bam! Beautifully executed discretion cut, as
birds fly away startled at her implied screaming, and I start to
politely clap at the marvellous work of the cinematography there and
on no god we go immediately back inside the helicopter. And
it's no longer implied screaming. It's real, honest-to-god screaming.
Lara's in pain. She's in pain so bad. She is shrieking and oh
god she's crying it hurts so much and I am so sorry please don't
hurt. Please don't hurt. It's going to be okay. It's going to be
okay. And for once, just once, the disconnect between Lara's
experience and my experience, as the player, feels so far apart in
the best way because I just want to be here for her and make it okay.
I don't want her to hurt any more.
So to say that Square Enix succeeded in
getting me to engage with Lara is a given. Her voice actress, Camilla
Luddington, should be commended for that scene, and I wonder how she
pulled it off without a Square Enix developer advancing on her with a
hot poker. You'll want to get Lara through all this mess, believe me.
It all starts to pay off, with all her trials resulting in her coming
out of her experience as an unafraid kicker of all ass, and it's oh
so satisfying to hear her yell, 'That's it, run!' and you
start sweeping through enemies on the the later stages of the game.
So in conclusion – it's fun. The story's interesting (though I've
yet to complete it yet, I'm at the last bit), the gameplay and
controls are very well done, and you'll connect well on a emotional
level. Those tombs that feature in the title? They're there, but
sorta optional, but they have some of the most fun moments puzzling
through. It never got too hard that I went to the internet for help,
while being hard enough that it felt really satisfying once you
figured it out, so a great balancing act performed there. Get the
game. It's worthy of all the praise it's been getting.
Now because I couldn't find an organic
way to incorporate nitpicks logically, I'm just going to dump them
here. What? I'm not a very good writer. I'm still learning. Deal with
it. Or, don't go, and I'll try to get better, I promise. Anyway:
- Okay, those bloody Quick Time Events. I played on the PC, and I imagine that console copies may have a similar problem: In QTE's, you have your 'Use' key and 'Strike' key requested at key moments. And they're both represented by a small, red, circular symbol. And these scenes are very dynamic, so your screen is taken up by a rapidly-moving distracting scuffle. See my problem? Eighty five percent of my deaths has been due to command confusion. Jesus, Square Enix, this is not that hard: Bigger prompts, use more than one colour.
- Your shotgun. Is useless. So some of the blame for this is my fault; I barely used the shotgun throughout the game, and was a little late in the game for applying upgrades. However, a lot of it's Square Enix's fault, as it's the necessary item to open certain obstacles. So I avoided using it for fear of using up all my ammo and finding a hidden cubby-hole I couldn't access and would later have to backtrack to. Who's fault is it in balance? Well, still Square Enix's because it's unacceptable to have to fire a shotgun at point blank range three fucking times before a bad guy drops. No. Bad Square Enix. I ended up using the pistol at close range, or just used counter kills. Closing the distance to use the shotgun got me killed two thirds to the remaining percentile of time. If I died sixty times, how many times did I die due to the shotgun? Please write your answers in comments, and show your working.
- Obvious bad guys are obvious. Early on, you run into a stranger called Mathias, who says he's a teacher. With a weird voice. And a mohawk thing. With mismatched clothes. With a dogtag/bead necklace. Called Mathias. Who the fuck is called Mathias who's not an evil guy? How is any of this not sending 'super creep' signals to anyone? Also, obvious traitor is obvious. Tie them up, and take away their gun. No? Oh, he kidnapped someone and ran away. HUH HOW DID THAT HAPPEN.
- When stuck in a underground exploding cave, what does Lara use to free her friends in an open cage? More explosions to move the cage. What.
- How comes on the multiple times I'm disarmed in the game, why does no one take my climbing axe away? The one I use for not only climbing, but whacking people upside the head? It's like the boss declared all right, we've got her pistol? Check. Bow? Check. Shotgun? Check. Rifle? Check. Okay, that'll do... what is it, Jeffrey? No, leave her climbing axe, it's not on the list. What? She'll use it? Hardly, there's no special climbing walls around here. Now, we're expected to... what is it? She can use it as a weapon? Jeffrey, what are you smoking? It's a climbing. Axe. For climbing. What is it about the words, 'climbing axe,' is possibly worrisome? I've said climbing so much it's lost all reason. I'm just going to call it her axe, okay? Leave her with her axe, Jeffrey. It's fine.
- Mulitplayer. Why. No one cares. Oh, and there won't be further DLC single player content like additional tombs, just multiplayer fluff. Square Enix. You dolts.
- And this game, that took a non0fan and converted me, that I've had so much fun with... there may not be another. You see, Square Enix spend an imperial crazy fuck tonne on this game, and it only managed a measly 3.4 million sales Wait, you say that staggering amount of sales is an incredible amount? How could they possibly lose money on that? An imperial crazy fuck tonne of cash, my friend, spent on a hair physics engine that somehow still keeps her side parting in place whilst upside down.
Tomb Raider is available on the PC,
Xbox 360 and PS3. PC versions necessitate a Steam account to use,
which isn't too terrible as they're free at least. It is currently on
sale... everywhere, so here are some random links to it if you're
interested. If it helps, search for 'Tomb Raider 2013' as searching
just 'Tomb Raider' will bring up every game in it's history. Thank
you, non-standard naming convention. That's really helpful.
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