Music videos are currently crap, let me over-explain why

So today I came back from a party where the main source of music was from the television. Now television and me have a strange relationship. For starters, I don't own one, nor do I ever intend to own one. The content on offer here is usually dire. A lot of the worthwhile shows are produced stateside so Netflix covers you there, and what's left is usually up to the BBC who'll put it briefly on iPlayer. For me, watching television feels like a colossal waste of time and whenever I feel like the tug of plonking down money for a noise box... my Twitter feed fills with people complaining about the shite that's on the television right now. So it's a given I don't like the squawk box. Yet sit me down in front of one, and I can't tear my eyes off it. All the sparkly lights pull at me, and I sit, mesmerized but pretty, flashing lights. Basically, I'm still a child entertained by jingling keys.

So today I ended up watching a shit load of music television.

So today I ended up wondering how people tolerate music television. It's utter and complete wank.

For the record, I was watching one of MTV's sub-derivative channels, you know, the channels that actually plays music whereas MTV concentrates on stuff like the Geordie Shore or whatever intelligence numbing drivel they have nowadays. I don't remember which one, because who cares, but I do remember the games I invented watching it.

Mainly, there was the 'Count The Objectified Women Who Are Needlessly In Underwear Or Less, With Bonus Points Awarded For Full Nudity' game. I admit I suck at titles. I termed 'objectified' as obvious sexually suggestive movement, and 'needlessly in underwear' as not fitting in the context or narrative of the song or video. Now some of you may wonder what was the point of this, as it's a music video, duh, there's going to be women in their underwear to stare at... because. However, the reason why I started this game was because I was watching this at mid-day.

I noted twenty-four objectified women who were needlessly in underwear, with two women fully naked. At mid-day. Yup. Whee. That's some quality programming right there.

I actually got me seriously thinking if I ever had kids, I'd ban them from watching music channels. That's not some body image / privileges I'd want theoretical children of mine thinking are normal. That said, I'd tuck my theoretical children of mine into bed every night telling them to avenge me on my enemies, so I may not be the best theoretical parent here.

To top it off, one video, starring Robin Thicke, aka Mr. It's Not Rape If She's Drunk, involved an 'Ass Float.' Unlike before, where I politely requested you not ask me about something awful, I'm eager to talk to you about the Ass Float. Please, please! Let me tell you about the Ass Float.

It was a float, like in a parade, with a lady's ass being the main feature, so obvious title is obvious. (Or in fairness, perhaps a very svelte man's ass, I never saw it from the other side.) To separate it out from the pack, however, each ass check appeared to be able to independently jiggle. And to truly set is apart into regions of What-The-Fuckery... one cheek and connected leg's skin colour was white, the other was black. Ah. Wut.

What amazes me is not the staggering amounts of stupidity that went into this idea, but more so that this amount of staggering stupidity was never questioned at any stage. First, someone had to suggest this idea in a meeting, and punched the idea giver, let alone failing to see any problems with the idea. Then it had to be built, and no one saw a problem with it. Then it had to be incorporated into the video and choreographed, and no one saw any issues with it. And then they had to dump Robin Thicke and his co-stars in front of it, and even they didn't see any potential issues with it, as they pranced in front of the human centipede jiggly ass float.

So that happened. Also there was a video where Will.i.am was walking around carrying a dancing Justin Beiber hologram. Doesn't that count as owning child porn? AND WHY DO ALL WILL.I.AM SONG'S SOUND THE SAME?

'Yep, I just carry this where ever I go. Nothing suspicious about that.'

When the sound got turned down I got see a lot of music videos just as video's, alone in a vacuum with no musical context which in it's own way can be very interesting, especially when you start noticing patterns. For starters, I noticed most videos seemed very similar in what they were projecting - wish fulfillment lifestyles, particularity involving having an exceptional amount of wealth. That and club dancing. One video, for four minutes, was just a single women dancing. So... bored. Occasionally it would throw in a video where the wish fulfillment was for the artist to not only look wealth but look cool also, so usually driving a fast car very fast. Once in a while a singer wanted to look deep and wise, so a lot of close up shots of them looking sad and downwards. The amusing thing is that the videos didn't convey a message of 'I'm cool,' or 'I'm deep and sensitive,' but it was so try-hard it came across as 'I'M TRYING TO BE COOL GUYS, LOOK AT ME' etc... which spun things around so that everyone looks hilariously pathetic.

By the end of a few hours I was begging for the insanity of a Lady Gaga video, just to mix things up. Hell, the new Katy Perry video a least had some sort of story to it, and so was an infinitely better watch.

The only video that actually I strongly remember for good reasons, (I remember plenty of Will.i.am videos purely for how stupidly he was dressed - is he meant to be taken seriously?) was a song I regrettably never got the name for. However, it was off a black man in a hoody... walking. Just walking. And the video was focused on what he sees, and the reactions of everyone around him - the reactions of the white people around him. A women at a cash machine stares in fear. Men stop idle conversations and glare. Old people look away. As the video comes to a close, the black man in the hoody sees something we can't and goes charging off towards it. Here the video gets a little weak, as it appears that he charges down a street filled only with people so carefully holding glasses of water that the merest jolt sends it dramatically hurtling out of their grasp. After the third slow motion cascade of water it starts to get unintentionally hilarious, and it ends with him pulling a woman out the way of some falling bricks.

It struck me as still relevant today the first half of the video, of the judging looks, where I caught myself thinking, 'then don't go out in a raised hoody then,' which is... so fucking wrong. I mean, I go out in a raised hoody all the time, but I'm not treated like a criminal for doing so, and the only difference between me and the man is colour. With the Zimmerman case still fresh it's definitely something we need to continue considering, about the judgements we make of people.

Also because this is getting serious and as a typical man, I'll deflect serious issues with humour, the new Katy Perry song, Roar... I may of been a bit harsh on it. It's... not completely awful? It's certainly catchy. In that it's wormed it's way between my ears and WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.

So all of you that weren't watching music channels. Carry on. You weren't missing anything.