The one where I put forward the idea of selling out my integrity for a relatively small amount of money

I need a suggestion box or something, because interesting things don't seem to happen enough that I have a fresh subject to talk about each week. That is, unless you count the missing plane that's big new right about now, though I don't have anything to contribute to that. I mean, I could do a grossly classless article on conspiracy theories about what happened to the plane, featuring such gems as alien abductions or implying that everyone on board is faking their deaths for the insurance money (real charming for those family members left behind) but I'm not a nationally syndicated newspaper so I'll pass.

Also I have some semblance of having a fucking soul rattling around inside me which prevents me from doing something so heinous for click-bait.

Instead we've only got the whole Cabinet ministers are approving gigantic pay rises to their special advisers, whilst the NHS gets pay flatlines. Again.

Can we just cut the crap and have Davy boy stop faffing around and simply admit that his whole government policy is 'hand outs to my mates, fuck you everyone else'? At this point, I'd respect him more for just stating it. Of course, that'd make him unelectable (I say that like it's a bad thing) but it concerns me just how little we as a nation seem to be able to pick up on this.

Perhaps I should stop bitching and whining and just join 'em. Okay. How are these people qualified? Let's look. Well, they're temporary civil servants and wow - those pay rises have got to piss the actual Civil Service off - so let's look at Edward Llewellyn. He's on £140,000 (up 12% from a mere £125,000) Well, he was employed as an aide to some important people, then stepped into being Chief of Staff. Hmm. Perhaps that is beyond me, considering that suggests he has to wander around and make sure the Tory backbenchers aren't getting up to anything crazy. And quite frankly if that's his actual job I apologise for my dismissal of him, and he deserves every penny for that cavalcade of insanity his job exposes him to.

Actually, reading the Wikipedia page suggests a combination of doorman and manager. Oh. Apology rescinded then. Anyway... okay. I could do that. I could patiently listen to someone drone on about why they have to see Davy boy for about two minutes, get bored, demand they sum up their whole point in ten words or less, and if unconvincing, that's what's the big red button labelled 'Police Brutality' is for. And I could totally manage staff. That's also what's the big red button labelled 'Police Brutality' is for. And I'll work considerably cheaper than Edward! If Davy boy pays me over £50K a year (well under a MPs salary, mind) I'll even refuse people entrance who's ten words or less summary why they want to see the Prime Minister is 'to punch Davy boy right in the fucking face.'

Now Philippa Stroud, special adviser to Iain Duncan Smith, the Work and Pensions dude, I'd have a harder time replacing. She's currently on £94,000, up 36%! from £69,250. Wow. I once mentioned I'd kill for 11%, I have no idea what I'd do for 36%. Well, apart from damage my country irreparably by advising important people poorly, that is. Philippa has an extensive background in poverty-fighting stuff (that's fighting poverty, not fighting poor people, it's important to distinguish the two, I know) but she also has repeatedly failed to get elected so that's something we have in common. Well, she's at least tried, but look, the end result's the same. Also, I am poor, and hiring me on half her wage would make me not-poor, so there's my poverty fighting background right there! I'd use my advising position to advocate free class-A high risk drugs and activities to the elderly, hopefully accelerating the process of them not being around to claim for those costly pensions.

Now remember Maurice, the best time to pull the zip chute is when you can individually make out the pedestrians. And no, I'm not giving your glasses back.

Look, I'm not evil.

I'm just blue-sky thinking, here.

Huh! Huh! Yeah, see, I got this advising shit down. I will PR speak the his-nouse all the way up! Or down! Whichever way synergies better!

Okay. Who's next I can replace as the cheaper alternative? Okay, next in line is Nick Timothy. He's assisting the home secretary, so that's police and crime and immigrants and stuff. He's the bargain of the lot, only at £74,000, up 14% from £65,000, which wouldn't do - he was earning less then an elected MP, at that point. Poor man. He has a background in politics, insurance and research, and I sort of have the same background. I did a few courses in politics at uni, I have insurance in things, and I'm a great researcher owing that my degree is in History, which is all about research. Of all the people I've mentioned, clearly I'm the most qualified to fill this guy's shoes.

I recommend great things about immigration, like sneaking in foreign workers by the truck load to benefit the economy whilst pinning it on someone else so they can take the fall. I mean, even our grr-grr approach this last year failed utterly, so at least I'd have a reason why I failed utterly, or rather how that guy! That guy right over there! It's his fault! Yeah! Get him!

See? I have this politicking thing down.

I'd expand our current nuisance laws to 'People Just Pissing Me Off,' and make sure that this is worded only apply to benefit me and my mates, and if anyone complains about 'freedom of speech' and blah blah 'freedom of association' whine whine 'freedom to not have my head kicked in for criticising the government' will find themselves on the business end of the big red button labelled 'Police Brutality.'

The way forward is simple. No more will I criticise bad government policy or hypocrisy. No, for a vastly cheaper rate then what they currently employ, I will assist it's creation and implementation. I'd sell you all out for a little bit of money. I mean, seriously Davy boy, G Ozzy has said it himself: we have to make deep, brutal cuts to everything, especially public services for "reasons", and I'm way cheaper then what they have! And I'll take smaller pay rises! You two have been singing it to the rafters about how poor we all are - well, time to make do, and rake in that spare cash! They've practically got to hire me. They'v put their guns to their own fucking heads, now it's time to pull the trigger.

And for the record, having a semblance of a fucking soul is very different to actually having one. So there.