Doing a protest vote right at the European Elections

The European elections are coming up, and you don't care!

Ugh. Politics.

Why would you? They are very boring. Also, as a Brit, common knowledge is that the EU is ridiculously undemocratic so what's the point of voting anyway? Er, aside from democratic accountability and shutup.

But there is going to be in all likelihood a lot of votes for UKIP, as a protest vote. Yeah. We need to talk about that.

Okay, so you don't like the EU. Or the Tories. Or Labour. Or the Lib Dems. I get that. I am with you 75% of the way with those statements, and depending on the day, maybe even 100% behind you. However, if you really don't like the EU, I'd recommend passing on voting UKIP as in doing so you're not helping. What you're doing is voting in people who won't bother turning up - thus missing your chance to do anything meaningful over the EU - and who take every penny they can from the EU. Before you chortle that they deserve it, please note that money is our money. We pay it to the EU, which then gets claimed by UKIP who don't turn up to work. So yes, they are in fact wasting British money in doing so.

They are also not a protest vote. Sadly, if your attraction to them is that they seem different to the main three parties we have (and I am sympathetic here, the main three parties as undeniable arseholes and incompetents) they are just like everyone else. They're primarily funded by Paul Sykes, as ex-Tory backer, and are staffed by plenty of ex-Tories... when they're not jumping ship back to the Tories. I mean, come one, Neil bleedin' Hamilton is a UKIP member, and the only reason he's famous is for being a Tory MP whilst being on I'm a Celebrity. Also Nigel Farage himself used to be a Tory. Go figure.

So they're basically Tories who don't like the EU. Which to me, sounds like they're basically Tories. The only thing I found in their manifesto (which I'm not sure is the right one, as they've disowned previous manifestos for being kinda bonkers) that's different to the Tories is that stand opposed to the Bedroom Tax. That's it. Everything else seems to be roughly the same, bar whatever bonkers bits they keep, which may include making the Circle Line a circle again (wha?) more freedom to manage their own expenses (Hell. No.) and a flat rate of 31% tax of everyone earning over the pitiful sum of £11,500 per annum, which is fucking terrifying. Do you earn enough to lose 31% of your wage? The hell you do!

(If you actually do can I have some? So hungry.)

But if I've convinced you to not bother with UKIP, but you don't like the EU, the Tories, Labour, Lid Dems, and want a protest vote, the fuck can you actually do?

Well on Thursday the 22nd of May you can go into that polling booth and draw a giant, throbbing phallus all over your voting card. That's a protest and a dick joke, so that's a twofer there.

I'm serious. Boom. Spoil your ballot with a giant dick joke. That's a much more effective protest vote than voting in more of the same with UKIP, and is absolutely hilarious to boot. You could also draw a big pair of breasts, a dinosaur, a spaceship, or even a second, bigger penis.

MIND. BLOWN.

Or you could vote. Now, the electoral process for the MEPs are done by proportional representation, so unlike our First Past The Post bullshit where you can live in an area where it makes no difference who you vote for as you're against a cliff wall of voters, this means you vote matters a little more. There's less safe seats, so change actually happens. Weird, that. Also, fun fact - if you get an alternate party in, even a little, then the bigger guys may notice and nick some of their policies. Democracy in action! Sorta!

So let's look at a few parties that are actually legitimate alternative groups. For starters, let me introduce you to The Pirate Party. Not only do they have a bitchin' as fuck name, they stand for the reform of patent and copyright laws, greater protections to freedom of speech and less government surveillance, of which I can say Yes Fucking Please to all three of those things. Particularly the last one, as government, get the fuck out of my emails. And that first one? If you're the sort of person who sees nothing wrong with perusing a torrent site of two, that may be relevant. Of course, patent law while boring is becoming a utterly farcical hammer in recent years, and that's gotta stop.

Of course, those guys aren't probably running in your area, so you might be in mind for someone more widespread. Then funnily enough the Green Party might be for you. For starters, they're big enough that they're challenging the Lib Dems for forth place and I'd love for them to win that to blast the Traitor King further into obscurity. They stand for a bunch of things that you'd probably like - bringing public services such as mail, NHS, trains and energy back under public control which oh. My. God. Wow. That. I love that. How much has your energy bills gone up? How shit are the trains, which we still pump money into and raise above inflation every year? Also, remember that whole line about what if you don't like the EU? The Green Party doesn't like the EU either. They want some urgent reforms, and failing that, a referendum, which is doing EU management correctly - instead of having a hissy fit and walking, they want to reform to make it better, and leave if they can't. Admittedly, that sounds an awful lot like what Davy boy said, but I reasonably sure he doesn't intend to ever have a referendum and regardless of what happens with the EU he'll declare Mission Accomplished so the referendum's averted. The one sticking point for me personally is how they hate them some nuclear power, and I love me some nuclear power. Can't have everything, I suppose.

There are some more, but go research them yourselves. Go on! Go! I'm bored of researching already. You can be to.

It's worth noting that I'm still researching who to vote for in the elections, and drawing a giant throbbing phallus is starting to sound really tempting. Nor am I affiliated with any party, beyond once joining the Lid Dem university group on the sole reason that if I signed up I got a goody bag of lollipops and condoms.

At only £2 to join I strictly speaking made a profit.