Suddenly being allergic is actually a thing

Actually, I was wrong. Something did happen recently. I became allergic to a bunch of food.

I don't even know how that's possible. One day, fine, next day, blam! You're allergic to this particular foodstuff, buddy. The rest time you eat it for the rest of your life, have fun with that.

I'm both blessed and cursed. For starters, my allergies appear to be on the tame side, for now. I just break out in hives and rashes, and they always start on my right hand's ring finger middle joint. Yes, that is ridiculously specific, that's where it wants to flare up, I can't stop it. So at least I am not dealing with a throat-closing up dramatic death scene every time I sniff a peanut.

The cursed bit is that with a bit of narrowing down, I'm pretty sure it's sulphites.

Want to know what sulphites are in?

FUCKING EVERYTHING.

Pictured: FUCKING EVERYTHING

Look at that list. Look at it! What the fuck can I eat now? I'm down to bread and water... wait, bread's baked? Shit. Hmm. Chocolate doesn't appear. Fuck it. Chocolate and water. Let's ride this fucking train.

This is utter bullshit. How, how! How do you become allergic to everything as an adult? Look at it! That is everything. Apparently, the next time you're sat down in front of someone's signature dish that they're really proud of but they can't cook for shit you can legitimately go: Sorry, bra. Turns out I am suddenly allergic to all that shiz-niz, yo. Well, peace outy, I'm laters! and that's something that really happens. The allergies, I mean. That sort of language only appears on Dog the Bounty Hunter, and that's probably staged.

And how do allergies develop? Am I stuck with an itchy joint forever, or in a couple of months am I looking at a heart-breaking tear-jerking lifetime special movie?

I am far too old to pull this sort of crap off

It's not like my whole life I've battled with an rash on my knuckle, or dealt with asthma like symptoms. A month or two ago, I was like, huh, I have a rash. A few weeks later, huh, the rash is back, same place, weird. For more weeks and I'm keeping a food diary and yep, sulphites are the common thing, god damn it.

It's also delicious irony. Which is more delicious irony because it's keeping me from delicious things. It's multiple layers of irony, (like an onion, which I probably can not have) which as we all know using irony correctly now makes me ridiculously attractive on the internet.

Anyway, getting back to the irony bit,  for religious reasons, I used to not drink alcohol. Later in life and outside that constriction, I was watching the pennies and people vomiting over themselves in university and just didn't start. Didn't see the need. I can be bad enough sober for fuck's sake, I did not want to see me without what little common sense I had turned off.

whoops

Out of sheer curiosity way later on, I tried wine. I didn't like it. Then I tried cider. I didn't like it. Then I tried peach and apricot cider and oh my god what is this delightful beverage. Now, I like my ciders. I like them a lot. And so, I drink them a fair bit. Because of the whole liking thing, and I'm an adult, with my own disposable income and everything. Sure, it's basically a slightly more grown up alco-pop, but fuck you, they're delicious.  I still only ever drink the one and done, because hey, keep that remnants of common sense turned on for as long as possible, but now? Every cider. Every bloody cider has sulphites. Every. Single. One.

Now this atheist can't have cider.

Or anything, really.

This is bullshit. You hear me? Bullshit. I don't have to put up with this, body. I don't have to put up with your shitty, malfunctioning eyes. I don't have to put up with your shitty, malfunctioning guts, and I especially don't have to deal with your shitty, malfunctioning immune system!

I'm calling in the warranty, and I'm getting a new one.