Poetry: The Keyboard Warrior

I'm sitting here at my computer screen

Because something is not right

I'm sitting here at my computer screen

And what I see instills a fright.

I'm sitting here at my computer screen

Seeing words pass most obscene

I'm sitting here at my computer screen

Trying not to scream.

Because there's someone wrong on the internet

Flickering nonsense in the bright

And where there's someone wrong on the internet

They need to be set right.

I care not for inconsistencies, for grammar slips or faux pas

The racist slurrings, violent stirrings or the sexually deviant bizarre

No research fault, no spelling assault, is ever beyond my reach

As my fingers type throughout the night I feed my urge to teach.

If claims are disingenuous, arguments too ambiguous, I'll show them the absurd

I'll hunker down, expose the clowns, refute if sarcasm is a verb

No determined quarreller, will deter this keyboard warrior, from banishing my foe

I strike my keys, you must defer to me, or to the blocked list you will go.

But I as sit here at my computer screen

Dawn approaching fast

I ponder at my computer screen

That my rage might be miscast...

Because whilst there's someone wrong on the internet

Someone ignorant with glee

Because who is really wrong on the internet

Could just as easily be me.

My view is flawless, the opposition lawless against my righteous might

No space for question, no tolerant mention, no possible oversight

With a flash of perception, some sage observation of the mirror of my being

My blind attitude, the contradictions I exclude, are the same with whom I'm disagreeing.

We don't debate, our riposte can't wait, we shout down all dissenters

To concur we refuse, our only option to accuse, all manner of vile offences

But my insights gone, for I have won, the transgressor has up and departed

So back I trawl, mistakes are my haul, my growth already restarted.

Because there'll be someone wrong on the internet

Someone who is not right

And I'll find that sinner on the internet

Even if it takes me all damn night.

Woolwich murder, and how I am unqualified to discuss it

You know what I like? Jarring changes of pace. So today is talking about the Woolwich murder day.

Now before we start, let me put this to you: I am completely unqualified to talk with any certainly about this subject. Like, at all. I'm a idiot with a tiny blog, with no training or experience in security matters of counter-terrorism insights, but at least I'm giving y'all a heads up to my incompetence, unlike anybody else writing out opinion pieces in our media.

Also that's a heads up that if you are qualified or simply much more sensible than me, which isn't hard, and I say something ridiculously stupid - there's a comment box down there for a reason. Educate me. Please.

Reading about it, I was most perplexed that this terrible event has been quite firmly been labelled as a terrorist attack. When discussing the suspects (more on that later) they are labelled universally as 'terrorists.' The thing that bothers me? Is this terrorism? Really? Well, fine, they did it to scare, to create fear, terror if you will, then I guess that counts. But does that mean me jumping out on people with a mask counts as terrorism? Terrorism strikes me of large, horrific events, where the aim is to create mass destruction and devastation randomly to the point that the public is scared to continue their everyday lives, for the sake of coercing people to follow your batshit insane ways. Wikipedia states that terrorism is so politically linked that it's noted to have over a thousand different definitions.

When looking at the footage, (that much I could stomach to watch) it doesn't seem to be a scene of outright mass panic. People casually stroll with shopping in the background, and the eye is pulled to the brave woman, Ingrid Loyau-Kennet, who is trying to assist the victim. It's a god awful murder. But perhaps it's not terrorism. Besides, let's say we were to determine that this isn't terrorism, that this is only a murder; how demeaning would be to the suspects? How demeaning it would be to their cause, when the public turns around and says, 'This is only a murder.' It's not just demeaning. It's dis-empowering.

Pictures like this do more to stop terrorism then drone attacks, I'd bet.

Instead, it's terrorist this, terrorist that, and do you know why I continually use the would suspect? Because strictly speaking, they are. Yes, fine, we have camera phone footage of the crime in question, but don't we have innocent until proven guilty? No, I'm not saying that they're innocent, not at all, I'm saying that there is a process. A legal process. And whenever I see the media banging on about them in no uncertain terms, I can't help but think they're setting the eventual trail up for a mistrial. Which would be the icing on the cake for trial by media, where they take a completely unquestionably guilty party and make them unconvictable. Whee.

Focus is switching now on our security services, and how they didn't stop this. Clearly, some people say, we need the snooper's charter! Yeah, recording everything we do online for a year, from email, web sites visits and phone calls, and the police can look at that whenever they please and no reason given or needed! I see no way, no way at all, that could possibly be abused, ever.

Please see the last line, and cross-reference it with this blog's title.

It's always the way when something awful happens somebody leaps out the rotten woodwork with a rage boner over human rights. If I didn't want to talk about that aspect of it, I'd wryly note that's a staggering amount of data you've got to try to make sense of, and we seem to do pretty well over the whole 'issuing warrants' thing. Besides, I can't blame the security services for missing this one. You have three types of attack that security deals with. The planners, who you circumvent by minimising oversight, infiltration, observation, and James Bond style shenanigans. The opportunists, who you circumvent by taking care of the obvious, by presenting a strong face, by having protocols in place. And then you have the nutters. You cannot plan for the nutters. Because they are nutters.

I have no doubt if these two muppets started buying up a fuck tonne of fertiliser and clock parts they'd of been dawn raided. Creating a stash of guns and ammunition? Leapt on as they travel home with groceries. Instead they grabbed a knife from the drawer, walked outside, and stabbed to death a soldier. How. How do you possibly predict that? How do you prevent it? A police officer every twenty feet searching every member of public for knives? That's achievable, in someone's pants-tightening fantasy world. I don't see how knowing just how much time I spend watching my pants-tightening fantasy videos helps stop nutters like that.

If I was someone qualified to talk about this subject, I'd have answers and solutions. Instead I have a an awful situation with awful media making things worse and awful people drooling over aforementioned awful situation for their on benefit. And I haven't even brought up the English Defence league, and the increase in racially motivated attacks since this event.

Jesus we're getting grim. Let's end it how I ended a previous depressing article: with cute cats.

Oh, tired cat. Make the pain stop.

Xbox One, the anti-hype reveal

So the new Xbox has been revealed. Yay?

I could say I was incredibly underwhelmed, but that wouldn't convey the overbearing feeling of disappointment and disquiet I feel towards it. And as someone for has a Xbox 360 sitting under his desk, and therefore their target audience (I guess?) I really doubt I want to be picking the next one up.

YOU FIGHT AGAINST INEVITABILITY, DUSTS STRUGGLING AGAINST COSMIC WINDS

It's preposterously called the Xbox One. So it's nice to see that Microsoft have seen Nintendo's stupid console naming tradition and decided to compete on that level, at least. So far, that means this is the third Xbox created, and the naming convention is thus: Xbox, Xbox 360, and the newest, the Xbox One. Apparently, Microsoft aren't totally off their rocker, it's because they want the Xbox One to be the 'all in one,' of media entertainment. Yep. Dead serious. Go say that to yourself out loud, but away from your computer, because I guarantee your fist will smash into your own nose in an effort to stop you sounding so sickeningly smug.

So, with a brand new reveal, for a brand new games console, a dedicated console that plays games, there's been some game reveals. Makes sense. All nine of them. All nine games for a new games console. To top it off, most of them are from EA's sports range, and all bar one are not console exclusives. So all the advertising, including big, heavy hitters like the new Call of Duty, are for games that can be brought on other consoles or the pc, i.e.: the Xbox One's competition. Whee. Of the only exclusive I counted, it was Forza. Fucking Forza. The racing game invented by a sexually repressed accountant. It's the most boring racing game I've ever had the misfortune to play. You must follow this line exactly, at exactly the right speed, apply exactly the right amount of brake, or you'll spin out. Wait, are you touching another vehicle! No touching! No ramming! No one ever touches me, so you can't touch anyone else! Go to the back of the pack and start over you monster!

Of course, games weren't really the bug deal in Microsoft's reveal. No. Strangely enough, for a – let's repeat it, once more for emphasis – games console, the presentation didn't seem to care about games much. Oh, live television and NFL? Yeah, all over that. All over presenting television channels. Ah, Microsoft? I've one of a minority of people in Britain who gives a rat's arse about NFL, and I still don't care. And about live television? If I wanted to watch live television, I'd go to Twitter and listen to everyone bitching how there's nothing on live television. Increasingly, we're seeing the trend and desire for TV on demand, and M-Soft, you start bragging about live bleedin' television? Netflix is giggling in the corner mate. Oh, yeah, you see Netflix? It's behind that monthly paywall of Xbox Live you've erected, like a giant protruding diseased phallus covering all the things I want to actually get to; the ultimate cock block, as it were. Apart from the adverts behind it. Yeah, most people pay to avoid adverts, Microsoft forces them down your gagging throat regardless. I really dislike having to pay you for the privilege getting to merely access Netflix's app, before having to pay Netflix for actually providing me the service. Especially when I can get Netflix on a smart TV now.

In fact, for all you blabbering, the thing you seemed most proud of Xbox One being able to achieve – live television, sports coverage, media playing – I can get from a smart TV. Which is a bit sad, because for you to achieve what a smart TV does, you still need another television to display it. What the absolute hell is your purpose for existing then?

To fuck me over, clearly. Well, me, you, everyone, really. Yeah, here's the bit where Microsoft's giant diseased phallus stops draping itself over services you would expect to get for free (as let's face it, like every other console and platform does) and sticks itself right in your protesting nostril. I'm talking of course of the big three: disk locking, Kinect necessity, and always on internet connection required. Firstly, right off the bat, I know that this has been confused as of late. M-Diddly-Soft has no exactly been transparent over it's exact polices, which scares the shit out of me. For starters, how could you possibly be unprepared for questions regarding disk locking? Gamers have been pestering you for months regarding your stance, and in your reveal, with invited games journalists, you had no idea how to respond? You fucking idiots.

Disk locking. Basically, you buy a game, it gets registered to your account, and if someone else wants to use it, you must pay! Up to the price of the game new. For starters, in this case, there's no point getting anything on the Xbox One now. You might as well get it for the pc. You can't trade in used games on the pc, but have better modding and game support, and better sales. Secondly, have fun pissing off game retailers. They already make shit all money on new games sales, and how this? If the Playstation 4 doesn't follow suit, you'll find a shop with a tiny row of Xbox One games in the dusty corner in the back, with Playstation 4 used and new titles dominating the nest of the shop. Have fun convincing customers of your 'superior' console with that line up. Thirdly, let me tell you a quick story. It's about Dead Space. You know, that other series EA ruined. (One of the other's. There's quite a few now.)

Well, back when I lived in Colchester, there was this great store called Xtreme Gaming. It's a dedicated Xbox centre – filled with cool art and sets, wide screen televisions and seats with speakers in the headrest, so that when someone shoots at you, you know exactly where they shot at you from. So one Halloween, I paid into an all nighter game event. And my game? The newly released Dead Space, of course. So there I was, skulking around the Ishimura, scared out of my mind. Whilst one part of my brain marvelled over the scripting of a xenomorph trying to wrench the elevator doors open, the monkey part of my brain was going,' FUCKFUCKRUNAWAYFUCK,' very loudly and trying to futile press myself further into the wall. Well, I had just got into the medical centre, where the computer handily informed me of a foreign containment, and locked the doors. No worries, I told myself. I have this. I know these creeps have little in the way of ranged abilities, so if I just wedge myself into this corner here, ah, there we go, then they'll have to travel across this wide expanse of room to get to me, providing ample opportunity for me to whittle them down with plasma cutter fire as they traverse this distance. I am such a master tactician. And so, hunkered down and happy, it was at this point a xenomorph leaned out from the air vent behind me and went 'bleh' into my ear. Of course, you remember the seats I mentioned, with the speakers in the headrests?

From my perspective, that 'bleh' was said less then a tongue length behind my right ear.

For someone who prides themselves as a bit of an amateur writer, it's embarrassing to admit I lack the vocabulary to accurately express the bowel-voiding terror I experienced in that moment. I leapt out of that corner shrieking incoherently, panic-strickenly pulling the trigger over and over again sending the whole clip into the floor and walls. I don't remember the xenomorph even moving, just standing there as I fired again and again but completely unable to hit it through a state of fear and blurry tear-filled vision. Shortly afterwards, I quit the game in shame, bested by it's fear. Later, when I brought my own Xbox 360, it was the first game I picked up for it. So. A brand new sale only happened because I played the game, rented from someone else onto someone else's system. Bravo M-Diddly-Sqiddly-Soft, you cretins. (Incidentally, you should totally them check out if you're in Colchester.)

Always on internet connectivity. Okay, this amuses me, because Microsoft are highly aware of the significant amount of Xbox's that are never connected to the internet due to lack of ability, and the craptitude of America's overall broadband access. Well, they don't care about those sales then! Yeah! Fuck your target audience! Whoo! Oh, wait, you only have to connect every twenty four hours? Oh, so that's completely not always-oh yes it is you pricks. We are not stupid. We called EA for there 'Sim City 4 doesn't have always on DRM, it's an MMO muhahahaHAH' bullshit and we'll call you on it here.

And finally, the Kinect. That must be connected for the Xbox One to function. And seeing that you just have to say 'Xbox On' for it to turn the Xbox One on, (duh) that means it's always listening. Always watching. Yeah. That's creepy as hell. Oh, wait, M-Diddy-Squiddly-Niddly-Soft isn't spying on us? That's crazy talk? Yeah. I trust that company as far as I could through the Xbox's original hefty controller. They're asking me to point a camera and microphone into my living rooms that can count the number of people there so it could potentially charge them, and to just simply trust in them they won't do anything untoward. Ah. No. Fuck you. Fuck you with the Xbox's original hefty controller sideways.

Between this, Surface, and Window's 8, I'm seriously starting to consider if Steve Bulmer simply doesn't like money any more.

Oh my god, there's Picard facepalm take already. Glorious.

I just... you know I should be clamouring for this, right? Instead, I looking back at my gaming pc wondering what on earth the Xbox One does that my gaming pc doesn't do. They both don't do used games, both play DVDs, both... er... ah? Anything that comes out on the Xbox One the computer will get as well, only that the gaming rig gets free multiplayer, free access to media playing apps, great sales, great access to the independent gaming scene, the ability to mod and correct games, has so much porn available, keyboard input, I can actually do real work on the gaming rig...

And instead I'm looking at the Playstation 4, a console I hated due to fanboyism. And now?

What? They haven't show us what it looks like yet.

Mmm. Hello exclusives. Mmm, Resistance, Killzone, Infamous... who's that dirty one? Oh, it's you Naughty Dog, what are you up to? Oh, no charge for internet multiplayer? Oh, you filthy whore, talk dirty to me. Huuuurgh, no used game bullshit? Oh, you bitch, keep it going. Yeah, like that. Argh, no monthly subscription, oh, great focus on games! Nearly there! Features that'll work outside of America?

...I guess I'll actually have to learn where the Square, Triangle and Square buttons go then. Arse.