Guns of Icarus: A How to Guide for Pilots, Captaining, and my wishes!

Update: There was an update just as I finished this up, with new weather effects and match making and types and other balancing acts and more stuff... that's not in here. Don't expect them to be, it came out TODAY. But maybe at a later date I may add some more relevant stuff.

Finally, the last class, the pilot. The pilot is more often than not, the captain of the ship, and will often be supplying orders even if he's not. Controlling a ship takes practise, and many players are put off but some of it's complexities. Persevere, and command a zepplin!

One of the problems with flying is the controls kinda switch on you. You get used running around WASD style but at the helm it's not relevant, as W and S control you height, not speed, which is relegated to R and F. Practice, practice, practice, until this seems natural. Flying a ship has a lot to do with momentum, planning your move before you make it and letting the ship swing itself around.

Unlike the other classes, pilots are like Highlanders. There can be only one. If the ship you are trying to join already has a pilot: be something else. With no ammo or repair versatility  additional pilots are completely and utterly useless.

Equipment

First of all, take whatever ammo you feel like 'cos you ain't using it. For repair items, you'll equip similar to a gunner; Rubber Mallet, Pipe Wrench or Spanner. I'd actually recommend the Spanner and the Pipe Wrench over the Rubber Mallet; you should be glued to the helm, and if you're leaving it is because of a pretty big damn emergency, not minor repair work. Now for the real stuff, the Piloting equipment! Piloting equipment is very similar to the 'Get out of jail free' card, in that they're designed to get you out of sticky situations.

Spyglass: Don't take it. I've recommended everyone else take it. Spotting ships? You have people do that for you.

Phoenix Claw: One of my favourites and completely recommended: For a little engine damage, the claw lets you turn on a dime. Great to end a circle strafe war, or to chase off a ship peppering your ass.

Drogue Shoot: Gain height fast but lessens engine power. Another strong recommend as it does no damage and let's you pop up like a cork from a bottle. Use when you really don't want to be some place or if you feel a balloon failure is imminent and you need some height to counteract the fall.

Kerosene: Shoot forward quickly with engine damage. With the Drogue Shoot and Phoenix Claw this is my set of recommended starting equipment. Great to get to capture points early or escape situations, but be careful not to over tax the engines. Warn the engineer before use.

Moonshine: Kerosene's big brother. Faster, but more damage. So much damage that you can very easily overwhelm engineers with it, so communication is vital.

Chute Vent: Rapid descent with balloon damage and lingering effects. I am not a fan of this item. Unless you're very high up, with a flat, bump-free ground, with a balloon and hull at high health and a razor sharp engineer, use of this item can easily see your balloon getting destroyed a mere three inches off the ground that will result you smacking your hull against the ground in a futile attempt to grind the sky barnacles off. (Hint: There is no such thing as sky barnacles.) It's a very costly escape attempt, and coupled with the fact if you are using you've probably taken some damage anyway... and that most people have an easier time shooting down rather than up... steer clear of this one unless you really know what you're doing.

Impact Bumpers: Go a little slower but brace against impact damage. I tend to avoid ramming people, but if it's you thing, go for it. Hell, the Pyramidion has an armoured front prow for this very reason.

Tar Barrel: Creates clouds that damages enemies and breaks sight, hurts engines. Try the Kerosene instead. It'll hurt your engines less, and get you out the way of guns quicker.

Let's look at the helm:

I've decided that my crappy handwriting is funny. So. Laugh at it.

We see, with my crappy writing, the wheel (ignore) but more importantly the spirit gauge thing and the speedometer. The spirit gauge thing is an approximate gauge of height, and the speedometer shows the speed you're set to; once set, you can leap off the wheel, and it keeps going. Remember, in combat, whilst high speed will help you to avoid being hit, it'll take you out of range quickly and make your own gunners job of hitting the enemy much harder.

How To Play

There are two key things about being a good Pilot: ship positioning and communication. Now ship positioning doesn't just mean, 'Don't slam it into the floor.' It means placing your ship in a way that maximizes the amount of guns that can shoot at an enemy, whilst positioning yourself in such a way that minimizes the the amount of enemy guns capable of firing back. Remember, a single medium gun will not really do enough damage to overwhelm an engineer. Two medium guns? That's completely different. Let's look at the ships:

Goldfish: Using: Big heavy gun up front, you want this pointed at the enemy at all times. Not bad speed and deceptively high hull health. But considering the slowness of heavy guns, if you've weakened you opponent circling it using your side cannons is a good finisher. And to all those who combine flame throwers and heavy flak cannons: Don't ignore the flame throwers. They are devastating up close, and refusing to do anything but use flak will to slow, boring, and often unsuccessful, work. Attacking: From above, below, or behind. Most Goldfish take closer range side weaponry so don't get closer than medium range from the side, and be careful or sudden turns.

Spire: Using: Terrific firepower from the front, but not that quick. Get them in front and laugh. Be careful manoeuvring where the enemy can creep up on you. Attacking: Creep up on them. They're slow and vulnerable from behind.

Pyrmidion: Using: It's all about the front cannons, baby. Point and shoot. If you're charging, and it looks like you'll pass one another, try to get them on your left side for the chance to use both of your side guns, or ram 'em. But please don't ignore the front for the side cannons. Don't do this. Slow acceleration but reasonable speed. Attacking: Hit the right or the ass of the ship. Once the balloon or engines fail it's vulnerable due to it's poor acceleration letting you stick in it's blind spots.

Galleon: It's all about the broadsides. For best results, the use left broadside where an engineer can man the medium gun up top. If you do decide to take a Field Rifle in that medium slot, try to remember if you see crew hits pop up from the Field Rifle that you might not be in your most effective range as the Field Rifle has superior range to anything. Lots of health to play with, and surprisingly, not the slowest ship, beating out the Spire and the Junker.. Attacking: If you see the left broadside, RUN. It's slow, so the front and back blind spots are nice and tempting, but stick to the back as pilots find it easier to turn to face a enemy in front than behind.

Squid: Using: I hate this ship. It's fast, but with no overlapping guns, and, well... look... The best tactic is to circle strafe with the enemy on your left. Which you can't see due to your own ship blocking line of sight. Like the Spire, this ship does better in support roles, but jumping in and out of combat rather than slowly lumbering covering fire. Attacking: No guns on left side, but this ship is hella fast, and will run the hell away.

Junker: Using: Think of the junker like a mini Galleon, and try to avoid the temptation of the front gun to attack head on – it's all about the broadsides. Attacking: From behind and above and that balloon is huge and can't be missed. It turns quicker and the Galleon, and is more compact, so take care there.

Three further details about ship positioning, the first being clouds. Jumping into clouds not only hides you from physical view but gets rid of being spotted. Of course, Guns Of Icarus Online likes to balance, and clouds will damage your engines and guns over time, so it's worth noting if that's your exit strategy to hit them with a bit of speed in case your engines go down and you have to drift. The next detail is map knowledge, and that'll build over time, which is a fancy way of saying, 'Don't look at me, I'm useless with directions.' Yeah, and try not to spawn camp. It's a dick move. Finally, teamwork. As mentioned, one gun not enough to make a kill, two guns more like it... what about three? Or four? Or five? Well, that's a conclusively dead opponent. Stick with your teammates as lone wolfs get killed. Use your ship to compliment theirs, like using a Spire impressive front armament whilst a quicker Goldfish or Squid keeps the enemy from effectively flanking and chasing down those that flee.

Now, to return to the second part of great pilots, is all about communication. If you're a pilot, I'm sorry, I'm going to insist you get a mic, or be a tremendous touch typist. Crew management is a fundamental skill, either giving gunners orders to target wounded ships, to relocate to side guns, organizing repair detail, or most important, telling your crew they did a good job. Seriously. Every kill you make, congratulate them, tell them to keep it together, and you'll see great dividends. For starters, if they do fuck up, they'll try extra hard to make it up, they'll listen to your advice more (helpful for new engineers) and stick with you between matches. Even if you lose your crew will appreciate the feedback.

Unlike other classes, you won't get the luxury of wandering round the ship when the fancy takes you, but you'll at least take comfort being more engaged in actively doing something. Because of this, I find the pilot a really fun class to play as it has a lot less downtime than other classes. But being a pilot naturally flows into being...

Captaining

… a captain of your own ship. The way captains work is that you select to head a ship, whatever class you desire, but it's almost exclusively a given that captains will be pilots. This is mainly because of being a captain means it's your choice of ship weapon loadout, and captains get access to the captain's channel on 'C' that let's you talk to other captains on your team. Choosing your own weapon loadout means you already know how you want your ship to be used, which another pilot may not quite get, and as most inter-captain communication involves ship movement it's easier to steer the ship yourself than to constantly relay instructions to a pilot. If you want to try out a weapon combination but lack the confidence in your own piloting ability then please feel free to try out being a captain as a different class.

Captaining involves a lot of the communication previously mentioned, like a few paragraphs ago. But lets look at ship weapon load outs. Here are some I've used or been crew on that I've found quite fun, but feel free to experiment. The silly names are my invention.

Sniperidion: A Pyramidion with two Field Rifles on the front mounts. Stay back and laugh.

Gatflakfish: A Goldfish with a Heavy Flak Cannon and side Gattling guns. Hit with the flak, circle with the gatt! (I promise to never try to rhyme again.)

Flaming Death: A Goldfish with a Mortar or Heavy Cannonade on front with flame throwers on side. Same tactics as the Gattflakfish, but disabling the balloon makes the close range flame throwers a lot easier to score hits.

The Stay the Hell Right There: A Galleon with a harpoon on the left side, with flak/cannonade below. Flak for range, harpoon and cannonade up close. Heavy Cannonades are so powerful up close regardless of their lessened hull damage they'll still royally wreck shit.

No Balloon, No Hull, No Problem: A Junker with Cannonades on the top side mounts, and Gattling on the bottom side mounts. Devastatingly effective when fired together. Similar results can be achieved with a Pyramidion with a Cannonade on the front left mount, Gattlings on the front right and left side mount.

And I think we're done! All that's left is to wish you happy hunting, and hopefully you got some sense outta my rambling. But as a finale, let's have a look things I'd love for the devs to implement:

My final suggestions for Guns of Icarus Online to implement:

3^rd person camera option on person: I spent all this time designing my character and I can't see 'em in action? Lame. Edit: I have been kindly informed by a commenter that if you press 'P,' BLAM! 3rd person view. So. Well done devs for getting the best of me there. Ahem. 

Dynamic spawn points: You should never spawn in gun range of the enemy. Never. No. Bad. Sort this out. You're lucky your still in beta.

1 vs 1 matches: If you didn't have backup, and MY TEAM WEREN'T USELESS, I would totally kick your ass, LET ME PROVE IT. It's probably not there to avoid people just grinding achievements, but I'd love to see it work somehow.

Greater customization options: Different heights, body types and some choice of clothing colour would be nice if possible. Every male looks a bit androgynous right now, and I'd love to have a wiry gunner, a burly engineer and a husky pilot. Also. Fuzzy dice / swaying hulu girl helm options. You know it makes sense. Of course, if you do this and not the 3^rd person camera option, that's just being mean.

Ability to turn the fucking Film Grain off: I hate Film Grain. A visual effect deliberately aping the shite technology of yesteryear. Ah, no thanks. This game is very pretty. Let me look at it without smearing the camera brown. Edit: Turns out another commenter pointed out to me it is possible. In my defence it wasn't called 'film grain,' but 'Post Processing Effects,' so I'm not stupid, I'm just... stupid. Gah. On the plus side, I highly recommend you do this, and let some COLOUR into your experience.

Bigger icons: Oh god yes. Please. In different colours. Against white clouds I lose everything, and I haven't found an option to mess with the brightness, though that could be due to stupidity.

Collision stun: Every time you hit something, a small delay animation or slowdown might be interesting, that could be avoided be holding onto something. Nothing that could cause a stun lock,

but I would like ship collisions to have a lot more weight and consequence, and I really love the idea of a pilot yelling 'BRACE BRACE BRACE,' in panic.

Boarding: Boarding would be... hah, just messing with you there. I read your FAQ Guns of Icarus Online, I know why you aren't putting boarding in, and I agree with you.

Do any of you have any tips or suggestions of what you'd like to see, or like to point out I've clearly made a stupid mistake and can think of much better, saner, sober advice? Well, we have a comment box for a reason. Go. Point out what an idiot I am. But please. Politely.

These guides will soon be edited for Steam Workshop, suggested by the Guns of Icarus Online Facebook group.

Guns of Icarus website: http://gunsoficarus.com/

You can find the beta for sale on Steam here: http://store.steampowered.com/app/49800/

Slight delay on last Guns of Icarus update

Sorry everyone, minor delay, final part will be released tomorrow. Basically thought I had more time then I did, and I wanted to get in some more practice time as the Pilot is my least used class.

Once again, up tomorrow, I need to get away from this laptop before my spine collapses in on itself.

Guns of Icarus: An Engineer How To Guide

Moving on to the second part of my guide, let's talk about the engineer class.

Engineer

This is a step up in responsibility. As a gunner, you'll often be with a second gunner in tandem. Most engineers on the other hand work alone, with the task of keeping the ship aloft resting on them. If you're new, please give a heads up to your captain, so if something does goes wrong they won't start blaming you. Well. They may just do that anyway, but at least they'll blame your lack of experience rather than lack of ability. It's sorta better.

Non repair equipment: For Piloting equipment, like the gunner, go for the spyglass. If nothing is broke or on fire, and you've finally got a moment's peace, remember you're the engineer and don't have time for lolly-gagging and spot some ships. For ammo, I'd suggest Burst Round as a nice all rounder, or Charged Shot / Heatsink Clip if you know you have big guns on the ship / are facing fire. Of course, if your captain says something else, grab it. It's their ship. I'm just a webpage.

And now the big deal, the Repair Equipment. Before I go into detail about each item, let's talk about rebuilding, repairing, and hull damage, as they'll all different things and it'll effect your loadout.

I can just hear  a gunner cackling about 'No balloon for you!' in the distance.

This icon, with a white central icon somewhat depleted lower bar, is damaged, and needs to be REPAIRED. The colour of the bar will get darker as more damage is taken. Note the partially filled central icon, indicating the cooldown on repair.

YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! AH, DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

This item, with an empty red bar and red central icon, is destroyed, and needs to be REBUILT. When rebuilding, the central icon will darken, and fill up again as you rebuilt it.

There, there hull. Daddy's got you. I'll keep you safe.

This is the hull. The pale bar is the hull health, which can be damaged, requiring REPAIR, or destroyed (replaced with a red bar and icon) requiring to be REBUILT. Underneath the pale bar is a darker, orange bar, which is the hull armour. It will be depleted only once the hull health is at zero. Hull armour can NEVER be REPAIRED or REBUILT. Once both bars are empty, you are DEAD, which many agree, KINDA SUCKS. Note the partially filled central icon, indicating the cooldown on repair.

Repairing works off a cooldown. Click once, health will be added dependant on the item you use, and the icon ticks down like a clock until you can use the items on it again.

Rebuilding works by as fast as you click on it, clearing an amount of red of the central icon, the amount which depending on your item.

So in summary, repairing is leisurely clicks, rebuilding is manic clicks. Knowing the differences between these two is the difference between a happy, flying ship, and a miserable ship imitating a beached whale. Fortunately, once something takes a hit, it'll pop up in your screen with it's health so a component should sneakily explode itself without you noticing.

So, in terms of Repair items:

Rubber Mallet: Fixes a lot of repair damage once every six seconds, but is a slow rebuilder.

Shifting Spanner: Fixes a tiny amount of repair damage every two seconds, but is a very, very quick rebuilder.

Fire Extinguisher: Stops things being on fire instantly, six seconds cooldown.

Before going any further, as a new engineer, please, please, PLEASE, take these three items. They are pretty much essential. A Rubber Mallet to repair items, one click at a time. A Spanner to rebuild them, spamming as fast as you can. An Extinguisher to put out things out, and the darkness bind... no, wait. Wrong thing. Moving on.

Once you've got used to keeping a ship in mostly one piece, then it's time to have a good look at these items:

Chemical Spray: Reduced a fire by 3, has a chance or preventing ignition again. While the fire extinguisher puts fires instantly, this reduces it instead, needing repeated uses. I've gone back and forth over it's uses. If you have a fire-heavy enemy, fire's relatively low damage coupled with if reduced chance of re-ignite on guns might give you an edge over them. However, in most crews only the engineer will carry an extinguisher, so not carrying one can be unappreciated.

Dynabuff Industiries Kit: Known as the 'buffhammer,' repeating clicking on a component of the ship will fill up a surrounding bar over the repair health bar. Fill up the left one then the right, which'll tick down over time. Guns will hit harder, engines will go faster, etc. If you are going to take this, let the captain know first. Ideally, if there are two engineers, then one of you can take this between you. Taking this will mean likely sacrificing the spanner or the hammer, leaving you with...

Pipe Wrench: A medium amount of repair damage fixes every five seconds, a medium speed rebuilder. An all-rounder, if you please.

As an engineer, your first priority is the hull. Consider yourself married to the bloody thing. If it goes, you all go, so above everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING ELSE, THE HULL COMES FIRST. If it is some much as nicked you should be whimpering with desire to fix it, as it the hull gets destroyed those exposed armour points will never come back. A destroyed hull needs rebuilding NOW. When the armour is gone as well as the hull you all die. Hull first. Okay? Don't forget, if you are being overwhelmed, SAY SO. Better to lose an active gunner for a minute than die in silence.

Next on your priority list is the balloon. Once the balloon is destroyed, you'll drop like a stone. On rare occasions you may want to have the balloon rebuilt before repairing the hull (noticed the difference in terms there?)... but that sort of depends on height, intensity of taken barrage, and honestly, that's too situational to make a call here, especially as the balloon is often placed far away and above the hull, making getting back and forth tough. However, sometimes the balloon is not your problem. The Pyramidion, for example, has a balloon placed behind the top left gunner. In that case, try to make sure a gunner with a mallet has that gun and tell him to keep an eye on it.

After that it's the engines and guns, which one depends on the moment. If the pilot's trying to run for it and flee, the engines will get priority, if the captain's doing a Star Trek re-enactment and shrieking 'FIRE EVERYTHING' it's probably an idea to have the guns up. In both instants, maintaining them can be sloppily done, as gunners will often carry their own mallets and both engines and guns will work just as well on a shiver of health as a full bar. However, try to tell the difference between engines. There'll a central engine for forward / reverse thrust, and side one's for turning (Unless you're in a Squid, and I hate that ship, so no help for you.) If you're running, see where you're running to and which engine the pilot will need. When pressed for time to rebuild, a few whacks with the spanner to get it up and running is good enough. Give it a love tap with the mallet to take it to full health later when you're safe. For the most part engines will go down rarely as people aim for the centre mass and the engines are off on the back end of the ship, but like guns, dust clouds will damage them quite nicely.

Engineer tactics don't change that much between ships. The Goldfish, Spire, Pyramidion and the Galleon make good ships to start on. The Goldfish is relatively compact, keeping everything close by. The Spire has most of it's components on one lower deck. The Pyramidion, as mentioned, has a advantageously placed balloon that'll reduce some workload. The Galleon, whilst large, has most things above deck, with guns below, which'll be taking up less of your time. Always take a few moments on an unfamiliar ship to find every component. If you're lucky enough to be one of two engineers, divide tasks between you. Do remember that you have a measure of authority here; if you need help, get it.

Like the gunner, you'll also be on spotting duty. But you'll also be gunning once in a while. A flanking enemy may think twice with a few shots, and you'll be often placed closer to side / rear guns than the gunners. With the Galleon, the top deck left gun is pretty much exclusively yours. You can use your best judgement when to leap on a gun but a good captain will direct when he wants you merrily blasting away. Try not to get caught up in shooting though – you've got a ship to keep healthy, and let's be perfectly honest here – everyone but you is incompetent. The gunners keep dropping used shells on the deck and leave scuff marks everywhere. If the pilot isn't ramming you into a mountain he's trying to convert the inflation mechanism into a distillery. Nobody but you gets how hard it is to keep this old gal floating... why, back in my day, we didn't have no fancy automatic inflater, we had an old bellows we had to work by hand! Heh, I remember when... hey HEY HEY! NO! WHITTLING! ON! THE! BANNISTER! Gunners. Bunch of morons. Now who's going to clean that up? Muggins, that's who.

Wait, what was I saying?

The engineer, while more internally focused, is fun to play if you enjoy support roles or being the lynchpin of the team. Or if you like putting on a terrible Scottish accent and turning the air blue. On Monday we'll be looking at the Pilot, being a captain and what things I'd like to see changed or introduced in Guns Of Icarus Online.

Do any of you have any tips, or like to point out I've clearly made a stupid mistake and can think of much better, saner, sober advice? Well, we have a comment box for a reason. Go. Point out what an idiot I am. But please. Politely.

These guides will soon be edited for Steam Workshop, suggested by the Guns of Icarus Online Facebook group.

Thanks go to my friends and Dom Le Awesome for assisting with taking screenshots. Find his videos at www.youtube.com/domleawesome

Guns of Icarus website: http://gunsoficarus.com/

You can find the beta for sale on Steam here: http://store.steampowered.com/app/49800/

Guns of Icarus: Introduction, And A Gunner How To Guide

So instead of sharing misery with you, I want to share something that's bought a great deal of joy to me lately.

Guns of Icarus Online is a game! A video game! A game that has big steampunk zeppelin battleships battling it out on a post-apocolyptic world! I am sold on these details alone!

In a nutshell, you pick a class, be in Gunner, Engineer or Pilot, and crew a flying ship to fight against other crews, all PVP. Now currently Icarus is in beta, so it's constantly changing. I like playing this game, so in my mind, if I share it with you, maybe you'll like playing this game, then you can join me in a faux pirate voice shooting at people who dare try to share the sky with us. And the best way to share in my mind is... a How To guide, so if you try it, you'll at least be bloody competent at it. I'm not Guns of Icarus Online expert, but I've picked up plenty of starter trick and hints, (or know people who do) which I reckon will come in handy - especially as the beta lack at time of writing a tutorial mode.

Today I'll introduce you to the Gunner. Saturday I'll post a How To for the Engineer, and on Monday the Pilot. Monday will also see Captaining Advice, and a section of what I'd like to see introduced into the game.

Basic Nonsense

On the top right of the title screen, you'll see your customization options, for looks, equipment and ships, so play about with them before leaping in. On the ship in match, Guns of Icarus Online controls with WASD movement and spacebar to jump, which is handy to vault down to lower levels. The first thing a pilot on a Spire ever sees is my ass leaping over the front to grab the main gun below... or on occasion, misjudging, and plummeting off the ship, much to my embarrassment.

The Gunner

The first class we'll look at is a good introduction into how to play Guns of Icarus. You'll be doing to obvious: firing the guns to make your enemies go boom, but you'll likely end up being roped into odd jobs around the ship as well. Unlike over classes, there's often multiple gunners on a ship, so you can suck a bit and not worry too much. Being a gunner is a great beginner class as you'll be taking orders, not issuing them, so it's a nice, low pressure ease into the game.

Recommended Equipment

Let's talk about equipment. First of all, we have Piloting Tools, of which you can choose one. Choose the Spyglass. Everything else needs to be at the wheel to use and if you, a gunner, is at the wheel, so many things have gone wrong that having any other Piloting Tool would not make a difference in how screwed you are. Dear god. Never be at the wheel. The actual pilot will have your head.

Next is Repair Tools. Most gunners will opt for the Rubber Mallet, which I recommend for first time players. It repairs a lot of health, available to use every six seconds, so an odd whack once in a while will keep your guns working. It also means if stuff starts going wrong and the engineer requests help you'll be well suited to assist. And by request I mean 'obscenity riddled shrieking.' It's okay. It's not actually swearing if you're an engineer. It's a rule of the universe or something. If you're not going for a Rubber Mallet, choose between a Fire Extinguisher or the Pipe Wrench. The Extinguisher is handy as guns are the only component on the ship that stops working once ablaze, because apparently no one is keen to man a gun whilst on fire, the cowards. However, if no one on the enemy team is using flame throwers you can ignore it. The Pipe Wrench is a good all-rounder in repair and rebuilding. Now there are a few other options, but I'll save a more detailed look at them for the Engineer How To, where it'll be more relevant. In my experience, I've wanted a Rubber Mallet far more than I've ever wanted an extinguisher.

The meat and bones of a gunner is the ammo loadout. Let's go into more detail:

Burst Rounds: Increase size of explosion and clip size in return for slower rate of fire. Great for flak cannons and missile launchers, this is a good standard choice.

Charged Rounds: Increases damage while reducing rate of fire and clip size. Best used on guns with already high damage and clip sizes to small to effect (Heavy Cannonade, Field Rifle, Heavy Flak Cannon,) but gives a welcome punch to anything, really.

Incendiary Rounds: 10% chance to have what's hit burst into flame in exchange for smaller clip size, rate of fire and shot speed. Best used on close range guns that'll hit a lot and often to make the most of that 10% - the Manticore and Gattling Gun work well. Don't use it with the Dragon's Breath Flamethrower, you idiot, you can't make flame more flamey.

Heatsink Clip: Whilst active, your gun is immune to fire. Less damage, less shot speed, but quicker rotation and more clip size as well. I tend to bring this along just in case, and if the enemy has flame throwers: BRING THIS ALONG. Your captain will thank you for it. Load when you see the enemy close.

Greased Rounds: More rate of fire and clip size for less damage and rotation. Like Incendiary, pairs well with the Gattling and Manticore, but has it's uses on the flame thrower as well.

Lesmok Round: Increased muzzle speed and lift gives you better range at expense of clip size and rotation speed. This is not a round I'd recommend for beginners due to the fact using it means you'll be most likely trying difficult shot's on the edge of the gun's range, which might be a taxing for a beginner. Use with the Field Rifle, Heavy Flak Cannon and funnily enough, the flame thrower, for a few extra few feet up close.

Heavy Clip: Reduced recoil and muzzle speed. I've yet to see any real benefit from this as I try to, ya know, aim better. It does make some guns like the Medium Flak Cannon a mite easier to handle, but I'd recommend Burst Rounds extra clip size to make up for deficiencies. EDIT: The kind people at Guns of Icarus Online told me that this ammo's effect is to reduce it's spread, so it's heartily recommended for the Banshee and Gattling gun.

Lochnager Shot: One super high damage shot with less recoil that'll make any gun a one shot clip... and do self-damage each shot. Also less rotation speed. Let me say it clearly: NOT WORTH IT. I've never hit, only the Heavy Flak Cannon has the health not to break upon shooting, anything else you'll be robbing the crew of an engineer to babysit you, the damage will likely get repaired in the reloading time, AND you'll probably miss. Avoid it for now unless the dev team changes it.

If you're torn about what to take with you, check the Match screen.

So polite.

 You see the name of the ship? When clicked, it'll show this:

Dear lord my handwriting is awful.

This is the ship's weapon loadout. If you know exactly what guns you're going to be using, and what gun's you'll be facing it narrows down your options. Not one flame thrower on the enemy team and heavy flak cannons on your ship? Try Burst Rounds, Lesmok Rounds and Charged Rounds. A fire-heavy enemy and your own ship is a Gattling/Flamethrower combo? Heatsink Clip, Incendiary Rounds, Greased or maybe Lesmok Rounds I'd choose.

Or take what the captain tells you. It's the captain. He (allegedly) knows what works on their own ship. Allegedly.

How to Play

As the round starts, grab a gun, and load it with your preferred ammo. Sometimes the captain may tell you to hop off and use a different gun: if you're new, let someone play with the big gun whilst you get your eye in. Remember: these aren't hitbox guns. They have range, recoil and drop off, so a myriad of factors such as your own and the enemies ship movement will affect your shot. Check the silhouette for their headed direction, lead your shot and let rip. Any ships spotted by a spyglass will appear on your map, 'M.' You can look at it whilst shooting as it's a good range finder; rule of thumb; if it's over a square away, you won't hit it without a Field Rifle.

Let's take a quick look at what the gunner sees on a gun:

Why. Why didn't I type on it? I've seen better handwriting from a four year old.

Now it's a bit difficult to see, I'll give you that. I'd love for the dev team to make bigger, brighter indicators and an option to turn the blasted film grain effect off, but that's for Monday. Here I am, on a Gattling Gun,. I've scrawled over with green to exaggerate the important bits; the white highlight box surround to show the enemy ship has been spotted, and the two different crosshairs. An empty one means a team hit, and full on your hit. The spotted box will go if the enemy ship retreats into a cloud, but you'll always see the hit crosshairs that flash up. So if you see one flash in a cloud, pepper it and you may get lucky.

To kill a ship, you'll need to overwhelm the hull health and armour, and the engineer likely repairing the hull. So look out for any guns that point in the same direction as other guns. For example, on the Pyramidion, that'll be the two forward guns up top. A Junker has two sets of side facing guns, top and bottom deck, like the Galleon. You want to back up fellow gunners by filling these out.

Most of the time, you'll want to be aiming at whatever you can hit. If you have options, go for the hull. While different guns do different things to different parts of the ship, it's a safe bet to aim at the hull unless a.) the captain says otherwise, or b.) you're on a Cannonade, medium or heavy, in which case, the BALLOON. AIM FOR IT. NO ONE BUT YOU IS ALLOWED A BALLOON. POP THEM LIKE YOU WOULD TO BULLY A SMALL CHILD.

Quick run down of guns I regularly use:

Mercury Field Gun: Think of it like a sniper rifle. Will shoot through a hull, leading to multiple hits.

Flak Cannons (Medium and Heavy): Exploding flak shots. Aim for the hull and let the area of effect hit multiple targets. Be careful with the medium version; it has tricky alternating shots that can throw your accuracy.

Dragons Breath Flamethrower: So much fun. Weave back and forth over the hull to re-ignite anything they're put out. Unless the map shows the enemy ship practically touching your ship it's likely out of range.

Whirlwind Light Gattling Gun: A beast of a hull shredder.

Cannonades (Medium and Heavy): NO BALLOONS FOR YOU. In seriousness, it's basically a shotgun, so use very close.

These guns are quite popular, with clearly defined role or good all rounder appeal, but this may change as the devs ticker behind the scenes. They're also some of the easiest to pick up and use effectively. If you are a new player, steer away from the Javelin Harpoon Gun and the Banshee Light Rocket Carousel. The harpoon is a bitch to aim and is very situational, and the Banshee is a bigger bitch to aim. There's nothing worse than successfully harpooning a ship before realising, oh god, it's got flame throwers, I just brought flame throwers closer to us and we can't run away, oh god, everything's on fire. Then the captain will turn to you with a sad face and say, why'd you kill us? Why you do that? So we can all agree it's very needlessly traumatic.

But the gunner's role is not just gunning. Admittedly, it's your obvious primary role, but there's a few more things to grasp. Namely, that spyglass. Once your gun's loaded with your chosen ammo, leap off, and start spotting ships. And telling your team where as well. If you have a mic, speak up. If not, or don't want to talk out loud, the 'L' key is crew chat. The pilot will love you for that. Once you start to recognize ship types, calling the type – and directional facing – will help further. There's nothing like seeing the left broadside of a Galleon to let a pilot know to get the hell outta dodge. Spotted ships are highlighted wherever you look, and take extra damage. So if you see a gunner standing next to a gun looking wistful: don't steal the gun. It's rude. They're looking for ships. Don't nick it.

Especially if the Gunner looks like this, and is called Karkon. Don't nick  my gun.

Of course if they've missed the guy under their nose, go for it. Also, if the engineer yells for help, he means you. Like, right now. The pilot ain't moving. You are repair help. For the most part, you'll shoot at the captain's direction, report in enemy positions, and be a spare mallet when needed.

For me, the gunner is one of my favourite classes, as, ya know, big guns. I like to shoot the big guns. Freud would say something disparaging about that.

So that's the end of my first guide. On Saturday the 26^th, I'll talk about the mysterious, tool-belted engineer.

Do any of you have any tips, or like to point out I've clearly made a stupid mistake and can think of much better, saner, sober advice? Well, we have a comment box for a reason. Go. Point out what an idiot I am. But please. Politely.

We will resume my usual ranting raving next week.

Guns of Icarus website: http://gunsoficarus.com/

You can find the beta for sale on Steam here: http://store.steampowered.com/app/49800/

FTFV: The Olympics

I have been ill. It is as awesome as you think. Fortunately for everyone (all three of you) I have no desire to write an entire diatribe on how much it sucks to be ill. It is of my opinion - and please, stop me if I presume to much – that everyone knows how much it sucks to be ill. Currently I am a human who's sole purpose in being is to create snot in such copious quantities it makes my eyes bloodshot and my face hurt. We do not need elaborate further. Also, for those that were eating something then; so sorry. My bad.

So what we have here is another edited article from my Facebook rants. While now ageing ungainly, it's still in memory, so whee, let's go for it.

This article been edited slightly from the original (mainly corrections and removing personal references) but is nevertheless the same. It was originally written in August 2012.

The Olympics

So it's all over bar the Paralympics, but for the most part it's done now. The Summer Olympics are done and what better time than now to do a post-mortem while the corpse is still warm, and I thought for once it might be nice to write something that's not angry.

When we first won the hosting of the Olympics, my enthusiasm for the idea was somewhat... muted. Oh, I wasn't annoyed or dreading it, it's just that when I went to look for my fucks to give...

Hmmm... perhaps behind the sofa?

...oh look. There are none. Well. Just before the horizon, right on the left, there was the smallest of fucks that we took it from the French. Which is odd, considering as that's a sentiment derived purely from English delight over French failure and if you go back far enough my surname traces back to the French. French PIRATES mind. Though my great-great ancestors probably only plundered the finer wines and cheeses.

However, just over the horizon came a single fuck to give.

Let me taste your tears, Murray

I don't particularly like tennis, but I like Andy Murray. I like the fact he seems to genuinely dislike the media and dedicates a fair amount of time to not having anything to do with them, carrying post-match interviews in a pleasingly grumpy silence. Then Wimbledon came along and he did the incredible thing of not being immediately reverted to a Scot on losing, instead of the Brit he is when he was competing. Fuck Roger Federer. I swear Murray could have knifed him in the ribs mid-ceremony and no-one in the nation would have mentioned a thing and the award ceremony would of continued with Murray the victor over Federer's gasping protests that dude, I've been stabbed, I won, somebody arrest that prick. So. One single fuck to give. I wanted Murray to win the tennis, and that was it. I intended to let the Olympics pass me by, save for a hazy eye on the tennis when I could be arsed.

Then the opening ceremony happened. Once again, I honestly intended to miss it, which explains why I came in half way. Why was I intending to miss it? Well, we're bloody British, and I knew we'd do a shit job. I could see it in my mind's eye; tacky, cringe-worthy and sickening. Hell, I considered a merely 'bad' opening ceremony as a best case scenario. Bleh. I'll pass witnessing our humiliation in front of the world, thanks. But then over and over again, I was getting pop up after pop up saying that it was pretty good, actually, and weeeell, I had iPlayer, I could take a peek and turn it off if I needed.

Turns out I was full of crap.

(Incidentally, so sorry about spamming all your Facebook feeds. I've been meaning to get a Twitter as soon as I can think of a decent handle. It's been eight months now, I've nearly decided on the first letter. Edit: And now I have a Twitter! It's https://twitter.com/sarcasmisaverb and you should follow me because for some reason it matters to me now!)

I can't believe I missed as much as I did. By inattention, I actually missed the Queen and Bond parachuting in, the forging of the Olympic rings, some tremendous facts during the parade and speeches and an army of Mary Poppins taking down Giant Inflatable Voldemort.

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, BITCH.

I got bored around the 'C's in the parade and tuned out, although not before getting added to my brother's blocked list, sickened by my attention to the Olympics. But it was good enough that I wanted to watch the whole thing, which I did later, and it was good, even when they wheeled McCartney out to wheeze out a song. But once again, my cynicism came to the fore, and aside from the passing interest in Murray's success, I was done.

Work endeavoured to intervene. Of course they showed BBC1 on the break time television. Didn't watch it. It was on, in the background, as I listened to my tech podcasts. A few days into the Olympics, where the lack of gold success was starting to make the media angsty, I was on break and the rowing was on. Podcasts in both ears, my eyes lazily wandered over to the television. Oh look, the Germans are in gold position, we're behind. Fucking awesome. The important thing about sports as we all know, is not the winning or losing, but not losing to the wrong people. And the Germans are those wrong people. As are the French. And Argentinians. And Americans. And the Australians. And the Dutch. Actually, I am curious to know what other countries believe the wrong people to lose to are, aside from the obvious, like South Korea knocking out the North Koreans in ping pong. Ouch.

So we're trailing behind, ho hum. That's us. We suck. And the predictable thing happened. We starting inching forwards. Inch by agonizing inch. And by the similar yet smaller measure, I started to care. Our first gold. Stolen from the Germans. Mmmmm. Delicious. Yes, yes, we're a foot ahead! Some blokes in a row boat are marginally ahead of some other blokes in a row boat from somewhere else in a sport I don't care about yet inexplicably I really care! Yes! YES! NO! Awww. We fucked up. Annnnnnnnd there we go. First to third. Just like a true Brit. Crapsicle.

From then on whenever it was on, I'd watch. Not 100% my-country-'tis-of-thee tub-thumping devotion, but I was interested nevertheless. Then Murray won, and I was happy. Yes, my emotional happiness was briefly tied to a sport. Very unlike me. I never saw us win any golds live, but I didn't re-watch our victories as without it being live, it didn't have the same impact, the uncertainty, the tension live did. So at the very last minute, I decided to watch something. I choose the boxing. I know a little about it, so I knew I would appreciate it more then coming into a sport cold. Okay, my entire experience up to this point was based off a boxing anime, so I was a little uncertain if punches didn't sound like a rusty blade scraped at high speed or a jet engine warming up, but it's something. Fortunately, Bantamweight Luke Campell was squaring off for the gold against John Joe Nevin of Ireland. Incidentally, not the wrong people for us to lose to. I actually wouldn't have minded if he won, as it felt like from Ireland's point of view, we were the wrong people to lose to. So I popped on the boxing and saw...

Uh. What?

Okay that wasn't the boxing. Funny story. Type in 'boxing' in at the time of the fight into iPlayer and the men's diving turned on, as it had boxing highlights. I missed the first two rounds for the men's diving. I mean, whatever, but it's not for me. Some people really like it. I had a friend who was there in the audience but I just can't figure out the appeal...

I have spent far too much time editing this image.

...oh. OH. Ooooooooooooh. Ah. She's a dirty woman. I know she dragged her husband along, I hope she at least let him go ogle the women's volleyball, considering those speedo's are seemingly designed to created a perv equilibrium between to two.

The final round was a bit of a disappointment. In atypical true Brit fashion, he did well for first two rounds, so took it easy in the final, dodging blows mostly with the occasional counter to liven it up. The most interesting part personally was that he didn't seem to coin he was the Olympic champion until mid-victory lap when his stunned face suddenly broke into a tearful terrified smile. Awwwww. But not very dramatic, so I opted for the next matches for British gold. The first being Welterweight Fred Evans vs. Serik Sapiyev of Kazakhstan.

It was one of the shittest things I have ever watched.

Fred Evans, 'Freddie' to his deluded fans, was a sack of crap. I honestly felt he knew going in he was getting at least a silver and that would be plenty enough to get him waste-deep in women, so bollocks the match, I'll just protect my face for nine minutes. Jesus, it was like they put a pacifist in the ring. For nine minutes he did nothing but defend, defend, defend. Excuse me, this is boxing. Throw. A. Goddamned. Punch. Just. Fucking. Once. TWAT HIM ONE. I DO NOT CARE HOW HARD, I DO NOT CARE HOW MANY TIMES, I DO NOT CARE IF NO ONE GETS THE RED DWARF REFERENCE, I DO NOT CARE IF IT INVOLVES FORCABLE NON-CONSENSUAL GENDER REASSIGNMENT SURGERY TWAT HIM ONE ONCE. Look, I know I'm not a boxing expert, but when I'm yelling the same thing at the screen as the coach is to the boxer something has gone horribly wrong. Third round comes, and it's not do or die, it's meander aimlessly waiting for time to tick down. Serik was on top form, and when he rose his arms in victory after the bell rang, nobody booed his impudence. Because it wasn't. He had won, we all knew it, and we cheered the far superior boxer. Not inspiring. I idly watched the next match, disappointed that Adilbek from Kazakhstan got silver as every other medal winner from that country at that point got gold, and he'd be the sad sack of the bunch. (Upon writing this I discovered Kazakhstan actually got two bronzes as well, so I feel a little better for him. Also, that country is a menace to spell.)

So it was with trepidation that I watched Super Heavyweight Anthony Joshua against Roberto Cammarelle of Italy. But that fight went swimmingly... in that he lost out in points the first two rounds. Joshua weaved, ducked and punched, but he got trapped in the corner in the first round and got whaled on like a kettled student by a stressed copper until he slipped out. Which was fitting, considering Cammarelle's day job is a cop.

'YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE STRUCK IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITHOUT PROVACATION, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN INNOOOOOOCENT!

But Joshua wasn't giving up. Unlike bloody Evans, he cared. He battled a desperate game, but came into the last round three points down.

Wait. Did I just say a Brit came into a fight in a disadvantaged position, like some form of underdog, yet determined to fight gamely to the end none the less?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnn.

Oh god it's like porn to me.

I'm going to get a cigarette.

So the final round starts. And Joshua fucking twats him one. Over and over again. Several times a flat footed rally happens and it's glorious. Cammaralle visibly stumbles a half step every other blow. But it's three points, and I'm hissing encouragement through my teeth and come on you mountain of a man twat him one again! But it's amateur boxing. If it was a professional boxing match, I have no doubt by at most the fifth round the Italian would be face up on the floor looking up at the lights. But there's only three rounds here. And it ends, both fighters raising arms in triumph. The scores are added up and it's a tie but there's this thing called a countback and I don't know what it is but then Joshua wins so it's clearly a brilliant thing!

It has something to do with median score or something. I'm celebrating, the crowd has gone wild, and oh god they just contested the results and the gold is in jeopardy. Predictably the crowd is displeased. I mean, I understand logically if I was Cammaralle I'd contest the hell out of the results. That Brit made up three fucking points? If anything we drew in that round, so I'm the damn winner! However it's a moot point as in reality he's a sore fucking loser is trying to steal our gold the utter bastard! I was honestly tense, sick with the idea we'd have another success snatched from us. But as we all know, the judge's decision held, and the gold was ours. Well, his. But, you know. Ours. We share glory from at home through the haze of crisps.

I even watched the closing ceremony... which quickly started going the direction I feared the opening would go, and One Direction (seriously?) later I tapped out. I'll probably watch it at a later point, with the ability to skip past the cringe-inducing parts. Hopefully it turns out well in the end.

(Edit: I didn't. Fuck One Direction with a rusty rake sideways.)

So now it's over; from a dearth of fucks to give, I have many fucks, of which are the giving nature, to be given to the Olympics. I'll miss it in truth, and that's a pleasant surprise. I'll miss the constant coverage, the fact that our papers were filled with great people, not just breasts and scandal. I mean, I'm sort of confused what's left to watch on television now. I mean, I sat down at break today, and what was on TV? Desperate Housewives re-runs. Awful people making awful life and relationship decisions. TV, what little I watch of it, is dead to me, and I'm back to my podcasts. I'll miss that the Daily Mail had to be nice to Mo Farah, hissing through blood-flecked teeth in hate-chocked breath that this black Muslim immigrant is a great British human being, when normally the 'Mail would dedicate pages upon pages of saying the complete opposite, focusing on damnation from only the first three words before the italics. And thank something this wasn't a fuck up. Our transport didn't shut down, nothing blew up, we won enough precious metals to make a serious run on Cash 4 Gold and our opening was great entertainment. Maybe I'm just a bandwagon jumper, but I'd like to think I'm a convert.

So bravo to the Olympics and every one involved, especially all those volunteers and I'll watch the Paralympics next as long as you promise that when it's all said and done, you'll return me to my usual hate filled self.

Solving and ruining the Falklands dispute

So we welcome in the new year... with some old news. Once again, the Argentinian President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner (see, I do research!) has demanded that Britain hand over the Falkland Islands. By this point, I think this is the third or forth time in a year, but I could definitely be wrong, on account of repeated demands all blurring together in one big ball of stupid boring pomp.

My feelings exactly, captain.

And boring it is. If we break things down into simplicity's sake, possession is nine tenths of the law and our nation likes it's little windswept frozen rocks in the middle of nowhere. Look at Gibraltar, for example. It reminds us of a time we actually mattered. (And yes, I will be calling those islands the Falklands for this article under that whole 'possession is ninth tenths' thing, as if you're sitting on it and not currently oppressing the hell outta it, it's yours to call what you damn want. Anyway...) Who owned what and when breaks down to who's sitting on it now. Kinda hard to move people outta their homes. I mean, do it without their consent, and according to Deep Space Nine, they'll turn into the Marquis.

Seeing the only tactic available Kirchner is to annoy us into giving it up, that windswept frozen rock is going to remain ours forever. I mean, they could try jumping in with the Argentinian military, but... yeah... that doesn't sound promising. For starters, their military is still using equipment from the 1970s, and flared jeans don't cut shit next to the British army's newest missiles that are so up to date they tweet obscenities to the troops it's about to land on. Secondly, it's a fight my country would love. None of this guerrilla tactics nonsense, did-we-or-didn't-we-shoot-a-civilian-moral-quandary, nope! No murky grey areas. You have a uniform, I have a uniform, you have a gun that has a near equal chance of firing backwards as it does forwards, I have a gun that fire eight hundred times a minute whilst uploading photos to Instagram, let's do this. The British love of the underdog does not extend when it is felt the underdog is acting like an royal arse. When you think about it, last time this actually went nasty and we had a real bloody war, they were invading an far-flung barely registered province, and we kinda only responded as we had a deeply unpopular Tory prime minister, desperately seeking a way to distract the proles from a bad economy with a jingoistic war, while today in charge we have... a deeply unpopular Tory prime minister... desperately seeking a way to distract the proles from a bad economy and OH DEAR.

In a show of colossal immaturity from both sides, we exchanged public letters in newspapers. Kirchner published hers in The Independent and The Guardian, which guaranteed it would be read by no less than eight people. So The Sun shot one back, and er... look, The Sun? From the first line, you looked along the path you were going to take, and perhaps you saw the far off lands of Tact and Class glittering in the distance. It would have been nice to proceed towards them at a brisk pace rather than doing your usual, which was an abrupt one-eighty, leaping off the Cliffs of Stupidity into the Sea of Embarrassment before impalement on the Rocks of Why Would You Do That. 'Hands Off?' Seriously? Seriously. That's what you went for. Just... just... ugh. Ugh. UGH. I ugh at you, good sir.

I don't even want to know how the first draft of that turned out. The sheer weight of racist terms probably broke the once-unfeeling computer into weeping.

But let's be all about the spirit of fairness here. We're not all jingoistic heathens, champing at the bit to give Argentina a bloody nose if they keep looking at the Falklands funny. What I'm about to do, is propose a one hundred percent guaranteed method for you, yes you Argentina, to get a hold of those delicious delicious penguin-infested windswept frozen rocks.

The tabloids will call for my public hanging.

First of all, you keep demanding for Britain to open negotiations about the dispute over the Falklands. Now, that's fine, but we keep saying no, yet you keep doing repeating the same demand without changing a beat. Sort of like a child trying to wear down a parent with stamina because they don't yet get logic. That is not a good tactic. So we've said, no, right? Now the thing is, that's not entirely accurate. We've said not a general, blank, 'no negotiations,' but the much more open in wiggle-room, 'no negotiations without the Falkland Islanders say so.' Those two statements are completely fucking different. You're immediate response to that said line should not have been to keep repeating yourself and stamping your foot, but to get Davy Cameron to repeat that, slowly, into a microphone, recording it carefully, before running off cackling manically.

Yes, my plan allows for some maniacal cackling. That's how you know it's gonna work.

The next step, I must admit, is pure genius.

It involves hookers, booze, lots of blank Argentina passports and several metric fucktonnes of cocaine, heroin, and anything those darn kids are snorting, huffing, injecting or ingesting these days.

Oh, yeah.

You take said things. You load them into a cruise liner. You charge it into the Falkland Islands beaches. You then jump out brandishing a megaphone, yelling, 'WHO LOVES ARRRRRRRR~GEN~TIIIINAAAA!?!'

That's pretty much it. You pass booze and pills out in a wave of good feelings. Don't have a drink good sir? Have five! Have attractive women wander the pubs, going, 'Gosh, you're really hot. Man, if it turned out you really liked Argentina, I would starting humping your lap right the hell now,' and, 'You know what really, really turns me on? So much I just have to do some terribly dirty things to whomever is closest? Telling me just how awesome Argentina is.' A week or so later, after you're cleaning up the mess, running low on booze and you're hastily burying the last OD'd hooker, tell everyone that you'd love to come back, every month or so, but only, gosh, just only, only if the damn paperwork wasn't so difficult. I mean, you're technically British, we're Argentinian, it's the borders paperwork, man. Ugh. It's a nightmare. It's like, forty pages of contradictions in triplicate. This was a one off. Well. Unless. You know. You were Argentinian. Then no forms. Then we'd be back every month. Hell, this party? It would never end.

I mean, come on. The Falklands is nothing but freezing wind and penguins. They'll go for it. And once they'd signed the referendum in your favour, you'd take that the Davy Cameron... who'd say no. Again. But this time, with an island full of people going into withdrawal desperate for their fix, Davy would lose his last moral standpoint, and he'd cave eventually once everyone started tsking at him and muttering. The sweet part is, once the referendum is in, you even have to to follow through with these promises once they've voted. Psst. Suckers.

Sure, it'd be expensive, but remember what started this in the first place? The oil. You want that oil. Gotta spend money to make money. Instead, what you've done is pissed of the locals. Whether it's your stupid  Olympics advert white-washing them out of existence, (classy touch, jumping up and down on the damn Falklands war memorial you morons) or the blockade forces them into egg rationing, every time those Islanders that hold your chances look down at breakfast and only see one poached egg, they think:

'If it wasn't for those Argie bastards I could have two poached eggs, like an actual human being.'

Yeah. You've kinda screwed the pooch on this one. Well, you got one, maybe two months left before the referendum. Still might be doable if you hurry.

So there. I have done it. I have solved the Falklands dispute, or now, the Las Malvinas dispute. So now is time to embrace True Neutral, and now discuss how to break the peace.

Look, Davy Cameron. I don't like you. No one likes you. But. You want people to like you. You need people to like you. You want to be in charge without the Traitor King cluttering up your cabinet room. So. What you need to do is this:

Pick up your phone. Call President Kirchner. Sing into the phone in a high pitched voice, 'I've got Falklands, and you do noooo~oooot.' Do this at three in the morning local time. Do it whenever you get bored in cabinet meetings. Do this whilst in the quiet moments you're being chaffered places. Here is a selection of things to say:

'Want the Falklands? Well you can't have it. 'Cos it's mine.'
'God your country sucks. You know what doesn't suck? Penguins. Which I have. On the Falklands.'
'You know, if you had the nerve, your army could probably take the Falklands. But you won't, will you? Wuss.'
'Las Malvinas? More like Las Notyoursnas! Ha! Did you get it? No? Ah, don't worry about it. Ponder it on your retreat on the Falklands OH WAIT.'

Basically take your cue from the average decorum displayed by The Sun. But most importantly; deny doing this. Deny, deny, deny. Even when faced by evidence, deny. Claim you'd never do something so immature.
And when two months of childish taunting breaks their will and they attack, have the army repulse them and ride into a new term on a wave of patriotic glee.












Huh.

That actually really could work, and I'd be responsible for a new term of Tory bullshit.

Crapbaskets.