Film review: Rise Of The Guardians

So I still got some ideas after declaring I was empty. Last week I ran out, and I turned to the news to prattle on about something... then I turned the fuck right back around and walked away. Fortunately, over the weekend I made a trip to the cinema and saw the new film by Dreamworks, Rise Of The Guardians.

It occurs to me without my lovely and very patient girlfriend this sort of film would be denied to me. Like Dreamworks previous outing, How To Tame Your Dragon, I was highly aware if I, an alleged adult who's just about closer to thirty than twenty, went into this film alone I would be led out in handcuffs and banned from ever going nearer than fifty feet from a school playground as a precaution. However, like before, I could grab my aforementioned very brilliant and patient girlfriend and bring her into the cinema with me, all the while going, 'SEE, THIS IS DATE NOW, I CAN GO IN, IT'S ALL GOOD, I AM NOT HERE TO RE-ENACT SAVILLE, GO ABOUT YOUR DAY.' Which is good, because when I saw this picture...

Coal? Nah, Naughties get beatings

...I had to see it. A gangland tattooed Santa voiced by Jack Donaghy? Hells yes.

Before we go any further, a brief discussion of the ads in the cinema they made me watch. That bloody dust-filled-empty-cinema-due-to-filthy-pirates advert. Ah. No. I saw the returns for Avengers Assemble, Dark Knight Rises, Skyfall and the heaving queue for the Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. I also saw how much you were charging for food. You're doing fine. Shut up.

The Rise Of The Guardians plays it's plot relatively simple; a group of folklore staples (Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Sandman and Tooth Fairy) learn of the return of a old evil and they must band together with new member wild-child who has a mysterious past. So bloody mysterious even he doesn't know it. Elaborated some more, we have Jack Frost (voiced by Chris Pine,) playing the winter trickster. He's the Jack Frost of folklore I barely remember; he nips at your nose, paints windows and creates fun around him. However, he's not all sunshine and rainbows as he cannot interact with the people of the world bar with his powers, even the children whom he spends a lot of time ensuring they enjoy themselves. He knows of other folklore figures, in a nice hint this world is bigger than what this film will get into, but holds little interest in them save from messing with them. However, Pitch Black, (voiced by Jude Law) a creature of nightmares returns, and North, (Santa Claus, voiced by Alec Baldwin) is instructed by the Man On The Moon to assemble the rest of the Guardians. So that introduces us to the silent Sandman, as well as the Bunny and Tooth (the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy, voiced by High Jackman and Isla Fisher respectively.) However the Man On The Moon further instructs them to take Jack. Jack begrudgingly goes with them, originally only because the Man On The Moon said so, who created Jack Frost, but later further motivated by the chance to get his memories back.. From there, it's a running battle of wits and swords as Pitch Dark seeks to create a world of fear by striking at the root of the Guardian's power; the belief of children, by sabotaging what the Guardian's are meant to provide. So, let's say you wanted to see Santa covering for the Tooth Fairy. They got that. They got that down.

From here in, it may get a wee bit spoiler-y, so... you've been warned. So. No bitching.

In terms of the plot, I went into it knowing it would be simple, and wondering if the novelty of Santa swinging a sword in each hand would get old. It doesn't. It's awesome. Santa Claus. With a sword in each hand. Awesome. Whilst staying out of major spoiler territory, there was the cliché 'new guy with troubled past is mistaken for betraying the group' scene which I hate, but it passed briefly enough. Also, minor niggle. Funny little flashback at the end of a scene we'd seen ten minutes early, tops. We didn't need that. Okay fine, it's targeted for kids, but the words enough would of sufficed. So yeah, a little predictable in places, but nothing offensive, and it's the characters and world that more than compensates.

Let's talk about the voice acting. I am not a fan of Chris Pine, who you may remember as Kirk in the recent Star Trek reboot, who bounced from wooden to a Kirk caricature. So let me be the first to say; he did a phenomenal fucking job. The opening monologue of his (even through a small child's shrieking behind me) was perfect, capturing the right mood of sombre, wistfulness and cheek, and he doesn't let up the while way. Brilliant and bravo. In fact, the whole cast deserves mention. Alec Baldwin goes nuts with a ridiculous accent for North which is very enjoyable (which I award bonus points for remembering that Santa isn't American.) Hugh Jackman seems to dial up the Aussie accent rather pleasingly for Bunny, giving him a distinctive lilt. Whilst I've mentioned I dislike the cliché 'new guys mistaken for traitor scene,' when Bunny vents at Jack... it's very clear he's venting, not truly meaning what he says, but is a person suffering a tremendous loss. He follows up with quiet, reflective monologue as he calms down really sells it. And when we come to Jude Law's Pitch... His best delivery is in on, scene, with one line. It's one word. 'No.' It's outstanding. No, no sarcasm here; with one word he displays so much about his character it's chilling. Hah! No. Wait. I meant ugh. Though he seems to be channelling Loki from the Avengers a bit. Not a problem, but I honestly thought I was listening to Tom Hiddlston for a while.

The world, as you would expect, is beautiful and interesting, with the team constant returning to North's workshop... because it's Santa's bloody workshop and while his film's time is set just before Easter, it's Christmas now, so yeah. Why not. The characters are such a joy to be around. North stands out with his accent, permanent enthusiasm and lack of indoor voice. Alec Baldwin is having the time of his life and it's infectious. He swings around two swords and lives in a toy shop crewed by yetis and useless elves, and in a joyful moment, acknowledges that they are bleedin' useless. He would be my favourite, apart from the fact Sandman is here. He's a mute, so he communicates with expressions and crafting sand into images. More importantly, this little guy?

Look at him! He needs cuddles! Yes he does!

Yeah. You don't fuck with him. Ever.

It won't end nice.

I will say however whilst each character gets their moments, there was a loser of the bunch. Tooth, unlike the others, I feel she didn't get enough defining moments. As the first to be weakened she was damsel-ing it up for a lot of the film. I don't ever remember a particular fighting style or big moment of badass, which was disappointing. The biggest 'Oh, cool!' moment for her wasn't even about her really; I really dug the idea that she collects teeth as they contain the best memories of childhood, and she keeps them safe to return later should adults need them. Very sweet and a nice twist, but ultimately, that's about what she collects, not about her. Sometimes Pitch's character confused me, as it was hard to gauge how powerful he was. It was strange to consider it felt plausible that all five together could pound him flat, but he had 'Can't Touch Me' annoyance powers and dicked around weakening everyone whilst he built up power, so he entered the final As Unto A God.

What left the cinema with me was mainly a memory of lots of little moments, lots of character interactions and reflections. With Jack it was the all details of his voice work, watching the sand come down at night and seeing his satisfaction that the children will sleep well tonight, or his brilliant come back proving he helps children, 'I make snow days.' For North it was booming compliments to his elves as they fuck up. The whole gang's face as they realise they took teeth for Tooth yet forgot to leave money. Sandman's conjuring of a little bowler hat so he can doff it in greeting. So. Many. Scenes. That I will not talk about, as you need to see them, so I won't ruin them for you.

Wrapping up? I really can't do better than Movie Bob's 'Like the Avengers, but with Santa' summary. It's a pretty film, with interesting, vibrant characters if a standard plot. I, an alleged adult, highly enjoyed it, and I recommend it... as long as you're not allergic to kids. Yeah. The ending will annoy you in that case. It feels like they want to make a franchise outta this, and I say go for it. I saw it in 2D, so I can't comment on the 3D.

That being said, you're probably going to skip this in favour of the Hobbit. Which is fair. But pick this up on DVD at least or you're missing out.

Christmas shutdown

Hello everybody! My updates until January will be sporadic at best. This is due to the business of this period, and not the complete lack of ideas that results me talking about a hat I don't wear for like a thousand words.

Honest. Really busy.

Busy busy busy.

Maybe a little lack of ideas.

Look, I'm down to talking about Mass Effect 3. And that'll hurt. Don't make me talk about Mass Effect 3. Please.

Oh thank god I have a tonne of shit to do.

The most important thing this season. Maybe.

'Tis the season where we celebrate a foreign national invading our borders and commencing the biggest spree of illegal breaking and entering we see from one person, before he departs sniggering into the night, leaving behind a horde of suspicious packages. Or at least, it will be, once I submit those words to any tabloid and have them decide that it's time to start a real War On Christmas, but from the other side. 'He breaks into your kid's bedroom at night with stockings, the sick freak! He also is morbidly obese and a drain on our NHS! Disgusting! And did you know, did you know, that Jesus is not from around here!?! Ahrglebargle it's health and safety gone mad!'

I've gotten into the spirit of things by picking up the seasonal cold, so I've actually spent some of my sick days this year. It does mean that for once I will not to giving my co-workers my cold, which could be taken strictly speaking as a selfish act, because now I'm not going to give them anything. Well, expect perhaps a minutia of trivia regarding Avatar: The Last Airbender but I think I may have got that for them last year and they didn't appreciate it then.

I've noticed Christmas music this season more so than ever since my trusted MP3 player took a short swim in my water glass, before deciding to take a long nap it has yet to wake from. Now I'm assaulted by the same bloody songs over and over, or worse, the same songs re-done in a slightly different way that ruins the original. Which I already disliked. I miss being able to drown them out with Miracle Of Sound. Not that I want to go on a complete 'Oh god, not Christmas' rant, but has that music ever encouraged a sale? All I see is a sea of shoppers with a twitching left eye hissing curse words about it being the seventeenth time today they've heard that song. Besides, I don't mind Christmas. I have a birthday coming up, and I have a special breed of narcissism that enables me to believe the whole world is decorating itself up for me.

My true rant, the true crime, however, is about my hat.

It's important.

Look at it.

I got this in true British fashion; in London, in a tourist trap booth ran by a nice Chinese lady whilst meeting up with my university friends. Not only do I like the design, but it's long enough to cover my ears. This itself in unusual, as every beanie I own is too small to do that. So it's a hat that both keeps my ears warm and drowns out evil shop music.

There is a small problem with it. Look at again:

LOOK AT IT.

See it? Yeah, there's your problem; it's a giant Union Flag. For those of you not from Britain, (and I apologize for you stumbling upon my nonsense) it makes me look like a BNP member. Or to pronounce it properly, the B-N-Bloody-P. I've referred to them before disparagingly as the 'British Nazi Party' but that's Godwin-ing it very early in the day and sadly that's something they'd probably aspire to. (Ahem. For legal reasons, let's addendum an 'allegedly,' there.) Every time I look at Nick Griffin's face, I see a man who most likely watches Nazi documentaries in his underwear touching himself inappropriately.

I once saw my reflection in a train window, late back on a long trip. Tiredness made my expression haggard, laziness allowed a meagre band of stubble to creep around my jaw, the dim lighting threw my person into shadow, I was drawn into a battered leather coat for warmth... and I still looked like a colossal geek. I wear one of three hoodies out and about (I mean, wearing more than one would be ridiculous); a Space Invaders hoody, an Essex Uni hoody and a Mass Effect hoody. Truly, I am an intimidating sight, with my video game related clothing and glasses. But when I used to wear this hat, people crossed the street to avoid me. Me. Good old geeky me. Even when wearing a university hoody that had explicitly banned the BNP from ever turning up on campus; which was a shame, because that would of resulted in some awesome heckling. Wearing the Union Flag is difficult with the recent associations it carries. It's not a sign of patriotism any more, or even a sign that you found a hilarious kooky hat to ambush on your friends, nope, not anymore. Wearing on your person marks you out as a homophobic, Islamaphobic, hygiene-allergic, illiterate thug, who wants nothing more than to, how would they put it? 'Geeet the daaaarkies outta my country.' That flag will mark you out as someone who's debating language and ability to akin to a chimp jumping up and down a sandbox screeching 'Mine! Mine!' whilst flinging their own shit.

So with a sigh of relief I've noticed as the weather gets colder the BNP's influence wanes. (LINK Graph of BNP seats http://extremisproject.org/2012/10/the-rise-and-fall-of-the-bnp-in-one-graph/) They've been getting less and less popular recently, even Nick Griffin's recent flumblings on Twitter got him national mockery as well as police attention. As a protest vote, people are seeking others. As a outlet of aggression, the more active EDF or whatever are stealing their limelight. Finally I can wear my hat in peace, free of thuggish, brutish guilt by association...

What.

OH GOD DAMN IT.

OH COME ON GUYS. Seriously. My ears are cold.

So, there's been a change in Belfast from flying the Union Flag everyday when they feel like it, special occasions and the like. Well, some people felt that this change wasn't right, and others felt... that there isn't enough things on fire today. The sad thing is that the protesters over the change in flag policy were 99% peaceful, but it's that bleedin' 1-bloody-percent that's gotta make everyone look bad. I'm pretty sure the most people who want to keep the flag realize that trashing the place and setting everything on fire is not exactly the best way to promote your ideals. It's basic opportunism (from what I've lazily glanced over) from a small group and it's pissing in my cereal. It is admittedly a little amusing I can't wear my British flag hat because of something that Ireland's doing. And once again, my hat must go back in the draw.

Goodbye, hat.

Don't these people realize what they're doing to my ears? Assaulting them with shitty repeating Christmas music and cold. I couldn't tolerate being tarred with the BNP brush, how am I going to cope with the riot brush? Monsters. They are actually going to force me to go out and buy another hat for this year. It could cost me up to, like, a tenner. That's a lot of doughnuts. Cold and abused ears or no doughnuts? A tough call. See my existential turmoil!

So in answer to your unasked question, no, I don't really have anything interesting to talk about this week. Sorry.