Ben Affleck as Batman? Well, I gu-SAINTS ROW SAINTS ROW SAINTS ROW

You know, there is something out there I should be getting angry at. Maybe something I should be getting happy at. Maybe even something I should be getting introspective at.

And then Saints Row IV happened.

Hey, you know what this gun does?

Oh god, I have played so much Saints Row IV that it's legitimately concerning. I think in two days I've had it Steam is showing I've put close to twenty four bleedin' hours in, and I have to stop before my body atrophies and I die of arse cramps. And dehydration... because the kitchen in like, five metres away and that's far too great a distance to walk.

IT ALIEN ABDUCTS THEM. FOR REALS.

But no. I will tear myself away from Saints Row IV and become a human being again, one that is a productive member society, inasmuch as a human being who regularly writes a blog can be considered a productive member of society, rather than yet another creature who hurls poorly written expletive-riddled mess into the abyss that is the internet.

STOMP. Heh, look at the innocent vehicles and civilians fly.

That thought was brought to you by the fact I am highly aware how piss poor my grammar is and how many typos sneak their way into this. I re-read so old posts recently. Omph, Ow. Yeah. Have I ever apologized to you for inflicting that on you?

Anyway, something semi-serious. So. We have a new Batman. It's going to be Ben Affleck. Everybody is upset.

Myself, I don't really care either way. For starters, I started to wane (hehe) on the ultra serious super gritty and realistic Batman a while back, and by the time the finale of Nolan's Batman trilogy ended repeated playthroughs of the Arkham series of games, and my rising enjoyment of the Marvel franchise films had hit my enthusiasm hard. I've stopped caring about grim, dark and gritty, stopped caring about films that seem a little ashamed of their source material and has to stop every five minutes to attempt to explain something that didn't need explaining or to take digs at the source material. Hell, in the Marvel films they throw garish colours everywhere, and will only end movies on happy notes - and I'm cool with that. I don't need to leave  every film theatre depressed.

The ticket and food prices already do that.

However, as the grimdark new Superman movie failed to reached the staggering profit that the Batman movies did, DC are shoving Batman, their most lucrative asset, in to boast sales. It's a cynical, and more wearying, obvious cash ploy, which doesn't assure me much of quality at the end of the day. Though, one question people; why is the new Superman so grimdark, in navy and crimson and not the blue and red? Because Batman was grimdark and earned billions. That is why. It doesn't matter that it makes no sense for the characters to be portrayed that way. Grimdark Batman made phat cash, so Superman will be grimdark, and will supposedly earn phat cash by that logic. So what that Superman, in his own fucking name, is designed to be inspirational? Pah. Make it realistic 'n shit! Have people afraid of him and have him destroy everything! People liked Zod, drop him in there! Ca-ching!

My apathy for the mistake already in the making of the film aside, another reason I'm not jumping on the hate wagon for Ben Affleck is that I've yet to see him in action, and I reckon it's fair to at least see him play Batman before shitting on him. You know, reserve judgement until seeing it, which is very hypocritical of me admittedly because I just bashed the new Superman movie without seeing it, and have been shitting on a future film without seeing it. I am aware of the hypocrisy, and as everyone knows, being aware of your own hypocrisy makes you immune to criticism. I think.

The notion of giving an actor a chance however is remarkably mature of me, because in animated versions of Batman if it's not voiced by Kevin Conroy I have a tendency to throw them across the room as blasphemous material.

It's not that Kevin Conroy sounds like Batman, it's that Batman sounds like Kevin Conroy.

But look, we all shit on pretty-boy Heath Ledger's casting as the Joker and look what we got - something god damn terrifying. Anne Hathaway gave us an impressive take on Catwoman, and while very different to the traditional gangling and awkward Doctor Crane, Cillian Murphy did a great job throwing the character in a new angle. In an animated Justice League movie I saw (Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths) William Baldwin of all people voiced an acceptable Batman. Not a Kevin Conroy standard performance, (duh) but an acceptable performance, and I was not expecting that from William bloody Baldwin. So, Affleck? He's worth a shot. I'm not expecting much, but I think Affleck has the chin for it.

So. Internets. Calm down. Take you stupid sodding petitions (which I refuse to link to) and chill out. It'll likely be a shit film anyway. If anything, you should be encouraging Affleck to put in as poor a performance as possible - a medicore film is boring to sit through. But a poor film with insane levels of over-acting?

Do I even have to say it?

That's comedy gold.

Video Game Review: Papers, Please

One of the many great things that video games can achieve is an exploration of self; by putting you into a scenario that would otherwise be impossible - or simply unknown - to you and to push moral issues onto you and give you the freedom to explore how you'd react. Certain well-written moral quandaries have given me great difficulty in resolving them throughout the years. However, a recent purchase of mine has definitely taught me some harsh truths about myself.

Namely that I'm an unfeeling, anal-retentive, risk averse, self-obsessed bastard.

Papers, Please is a clear contrast to what I've been playing recently. I've recently blasted through Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon, X-Com: Enemy Unknown and Bully: Scholarship Edition. Blood Dragon is a shooter soaked in 80s nostalgia and mockery, X-Com a tactical squad based game that I instantly fell in love with the tactic movement aspect of combat, and Bully is essentially Grand Theft Auto as a troubled school kid in a messed up world. And I'm now playing a game where I monotonously double check paperwork against the big book of rules, and resignedly declining people who aren't quite up to par with my country's ever-changing myriad regulations. At least I can claim I don't stick obsessively to a single genre...

Papers, Please puts you in the role of a immigration officer in the fictional communist state of Arstotzka, after a war with a neighboring country, Kolechia, has ended. With the war over, it is felt it's time to open the borders and it's up to you to make sure everyone has the appropriate paperwork and permits to enter.

The bulk of the game involves you checking for discrepancies versus the rule book, which changes every day, and trying to clear as many people as accurately and as quickly as possible. Each person correctly cleared gives you a little bit of money, which goes towards your responsibilities at home; rent, food, heat and the comfort and health of your family. If you're lucky, there'll be enough left over to save or maybe even upgrade your booth. Of course, if you start incorrectly denying or allowing people through the Ministry of Admissions will notice, and dock you already meagre pay.

If you don't cover your rent, the game ends, with you being arrested for vagrancy. I found it a bit of a battle to keep my family alive, if not comfortable; quite a few times I passed over the heating bill for other pressing concerns like medicine. It's a sigh of relief when you have enough money to keep everyone fed, warm, if not happy... and a little left over for saving for when it goes wrong. And it will go wrong.

While that is the bulk of the game activity, the story progresses either by a mysterious organisation trying to do... something... with your country, the evolving political situations and most often and importantly; the human element. The people who's paperwork you check. Many people have their own stories and concerns.

And here's comes me, the bastard. Oh, I just let your husband through? Well, he had and entry permit. You do not. Sorry. Detained.

No entry permit, no entry-okay, if you had a fucking entry permit, why the fuck did you not fucking present it with your fucking paperwork? Did you not fucking see the fucking clear as fuck sign that says 'Have all your fucking paperwork fucking ready'? No? Cretin. Now I've being docked pay. Whee.

You are definitely going into a job of prostitution, perhaps unwillingly. But your paperwork check out. So... on you go. Sorry. Next.

Ah. Er. You... don't look like, ah, I woman. Ah. Please stand over there for some remarkably invasive and humiliating photos... okay. Yah. You're a woman. Sorry. Next.

No, you're paperwork doesn't check out. Next! Out of my booth. Out of my booth, please. Security - ooh, he just used the rifle butt on her noggin. Ouch. Sorry. Next, please.

Well, everything you have checks out, so oh my god is man that breaching the line!?! Terrorist attack!

The scanner also has a nudity option, which I recommend not for titillation (it's so not) but as it makes the experience much more harrowing. Yay?

I see these people come through, desperate and pleading and wanting out, and I deny them. I dread the chatter of the pink slip, the little note of failure. So instead of risking a person through, using up one of my free passes before the fines... I deny them. You see, my son's sick, and the rest of the family will be soon as well. I can't afford the hit to my wage. The rule book is king, and I dare not deviate from it's absolute will. But deep down, I do care. I know I'm making these little virtual lives worse, and I can claim I'm unfeeling but it just leaves me sad.

It's got something clearly to say about immigration - where many people will happily enjoy bashing immigrants as faceless bogeyman, this slice of simulation challenges their casual rejection of people. The next time I travel through an airport, admittedly soon, I'll see those bored faces at their own booths and understand that their unblinking demeanor is often due to the staggering amount of hardship they see everyday. The story lines are deeply engaging and interesting, and pack real emotional weight to them, with the basic element of main gameplay being simple and quick to pick up, yet also as easy to forget key details and drop the ball. Constant vigilance is required.

I can't play it in great blocks of time, as if I attempt to I get wearied down, which is a strange thing to say whilst in the same breathe admit that this is a fun little game. I picked it up for only £6.99 and I'd heartily recommend it. Only make sure you have all your paperwork in order.

Glory to Arstotzka!

Papers, Please is a dystopian documents thriller, and is available PC and Mac, for sale here. This site provides links to Steam and GOG versions of the game. The website also accepts PayPal, Google Wallet and Amazon Payments. If buying direct, or from GOG, it won't contain DRM.

Don't hate the player... unless he's really a dick.

It finally makes sense. Everything. At last. You see, here's the big truth: David Cameron doesn't want to be re-elected. At all.

I present as evidence for my claims, Exhibit A: David Cameron voluntarily with One Direction.
I hereby close my case.

Come on people, look at his policies thus far. Firstly, we his admirable drive to provide equal marriage rights for homosexual couples, in open defiance of his more crotchety back benching bigots. While it'll come a welcome relief for many, the Conservatives hardcore reaction to this legislation has proven undoubtedly that as a whole, if you're gay, they don't have your back.

The NHS? Cutting is something any Tory was going to do to the NHS, but by basically selling it off as they've achieved thus far they've deeply upset not only retirees but doctors as well, another two key demographics for Tory's. The elderly will notice their standard of care drop and have no where else to point the finger, and the sheer rage doctors have been showering Jeremy Hunt is delicious. All I'm saying Hunt, if you get involved in an accident and they send you to the closest hospital instead of bouncing you to a BUPA centre, prepare to have a 'Do Not Resuscitate' label affixed to you regardless of your actual injury. Or they could just leave him to die in a puddle of his own filth, as nurses and doctors become an increasing rarity with the cuts they're expected to meet which he implemented, which would honestly be the funniest thing ever. Or the most ironic thing. I'd find it funny, at least.

Let's call the welfare abuse as par for the course, but instead take a glance at the army and police. The one thing you'd imagine Davy boy would happily throw money at, but no, he's not doing that either. Fortunately we don't have any conspiring Normans off our coasts, because we're having difficultly filling the holes in our ranks our cuts have dealt with reservists, and our police aren't doing that great either. We're lucky to be having falling crime rates, even if the cynic in me points out if I wanted falling crime rates the first thing I'd do is cut the police force – less police equals less detecting of crime, thus less crime found, ergo less crime. QED. Ironically, if I wanted the crime rates to increase I'd dramatically increase the size of the police force so that they'd find crime by the sheer volume of coppers tripping over it.

What about fracking? Well, as charming as it was stupid for Lord Howell to proclaim that fracking should be done in the 'desolate' north east of England, there's a minor problem with that. It's on par with why I'm not as rich as the United Arab Emirates; I don't have vast deposits of oil in my back garden. Hell, I don't even have a garden. So as for why we're not fracking in the north east of England... there's no shale oil reserves there. At all. It's all in the south east, which many Conservative MPs are happy to sign off on...  much to the displeasure of their residents. Their true blue voting residents. Who are seriously thinking of giving those safe seats a shake up by standing against them as independents, pointing out they're known as NIMBYs for a god damn reason.

I mean, Davy boy has implemented the racist van, a van so god damn racist that enough UKIP, bloody UKIP, have been taking a step back and saying,  'Whoa mate, that's a bit too much.' Wow. You out did UKIP. Yeah. You aren't meant to attempt that, let alone succeed.

And his yelling about porn! I'll keep this quick as I've already covered it. Sure, Davy boy, I'll admit, it'll make some people happy. It'll make a lot more people sigh wearily, especially people who know the first thing about the internet, namely, his advisor who helped co-found honest-to-god-bloody Wikipedia. So anybody who knows even a little about the internet thinks he's an idiot. And anyone who knows a little more about the internet knows that the company that Davy boy really likes for stopping all that nasty porn is in cohoots with Huawei... who have a close relations with... wait for it! China. Yup, the Chinese States, who are well know for their, ah, 'open' policy of free information.Ah. So. If this comes to pass, maybe Tienanmen Square counts as porn as well? BLOCKED.

With the recent revelations that  UK wages are yes, wait for it, have had the biggest decline in Europe whilst MPs get a whopping huge pay rise it's getting hard to imagine who's left who would vote for him. Not the public sector of civil servants, because they're amusingly enough on a pay freeze. Not enough money to go around, see?

I mean, maybe his rich friends would happily vote for him, but one of the few problems of having the backing of the 1% is that they're just that. And there's always more poor people than rich people, and it's undeniable to say that the poor aren't getting the best deal under this government.

Perhaps Davy boy remembered that he did actually promise to have an in-out referendum after being re-elected, and belatedly realized what a huge cock up that was. Okay, fine, the polls get a little complicated about which side would win, for or against, I'll give you that. But Davy boy knows why we stick in; the money. Oh god, the money. Mmmm, free trade. Oh, and the ability to stand as united set of nations against a variety of emerging gigantic corporations who nowadays wield as much wealth and power as a country does as well comes in handy. And he doesn't want to have to end up campaigning to stay in the EU; most of his supporters would spontaneously combust in rage.

But still, while I finally get his policies are clearly being enacted to upset everyone, I don't get why it's his mission to upset everyone. I mean, he's allegedly a politician. That's not exactly what you want to do, surely.

Unless... unless...

Okay, hear me out.

Davy boy and the Nick Clegg, the Cleggster, the Traitor King, are sitting in Number 10 whilst Cleggy serves Davy boy some tea. They are chatting aimlessly, when:

Cleggy: I bet you a tenner couldn't get more people to hate you more than me.

Davy boy: A tenner? Fucking watch this, shit for brains!

Look, if you have any better ideas, please tell me, so that things make sense again.

Silly season is boring season

I can feel silly season starting. It's starting to grate already.

Silly season, for those not in the know, is what happens when your ruling body of politicians fucks off en masse to go on holiday, a notion that to this very day weirds me out. I mean, whatever, I hope most of them don't come back, but shit is still happening. Shit is always happening, yet the guys and women in charge have fucked off. I know I've read in the past before urgent economic deals needed, with the market stressing out as the legislators are about to clock off and potentially not get essential legislation passed until a month later - because that's what the market really likes, sitting on a problem for a month. Why can't a skeleton crew run things?

...because if there was, like fifteen dudes and ladies running things temporary, you'd worry by the time you've come back from holiday they'd of locked the doors and declared themselves the new rulers. Right. Sorry. Stupid question.

Wasn't I talking about something else?

Oh! Right! Silly season! Yes, well, with everybody politically interesting having fucked off, that takes away a prime filler of the news, such as speeches, statements, gaffes and announcements. All the fun stuff. Without that to cover, it starts looking a little empty on the news front, so traditionally the news media covers the dearth of content with content that has a dearth of rationality. Hence, silly season.

So far the most important thing I can find is the whole Gibraltar thing that's flared up again. It's typical really; as Brits, it's not just fun enough to mess with Argentina over the Falklands, but we have to do the same to the Spanish as well. Of course, the great thing about it, is like Argentina, Spain got really petty, only this time they were in the position to act on it. So they upped security searches to cause delays, and are threatening to implement a toll both.

Of course, the worst case scenario is Britain going, 'Fine, you fucking take it,' and then Spain realizes with their economy already in the toilet they can't afford to run it. Honestly, I wonder if Argentina and Spain secretly hope we never call their bluffs, because both Gibraltar and the Falklands as wind-swept desolate rocks in the middle of nowhere.

However, because it's silly season, that barely gets a look in... for now, until a few tabloids click onto the pettiness thing and explode in indignant rage. Silly season is why Simon Cowell has ended up everywhere, having done something...? Something over sex, I think. Er. I wasn't paying attention, as it seemed criminally boring and nothing to do with me. Oh god, he didn't tweet someone a picture of his dick, did he? No, that can't of been it. Because it totally would of been The Sun's front page if he did.

And even I would notice that.

So, should I do the standard pretentious thing and lament why we can't have a more high brow season? There's plenty of interesting things still happening. The Mars rovers are still going strong. Did you know that Curiosity is nuclear powered, and that has the duel benefit of not only having a shit tonne of staying power but it burns hot enough to keep it nice and toasty warm? Because that was a legitimate issue with the previous rover, Opportunity, if I recollect, has to spend a lot of it's gathered solar power to warm itself up because it turns out that Mars is bitchin' cold. Also, Curiosity weighs about two tonnes, and because Mars' atmosphere is so thin, a parachute alone wouldn't work. So they built what amounts to a friggin' JET PACK and air craned it down. Because fucking JET PACKS, that's why.

Basically, the whole thing about exploring Mars is totally and utterly bitchin' and we should talk about it more.

And if we want to keep things focused on this planet, we can talk about the Large Hadron Collider which... has totally been shut down for some more upgrades. Ah. Okay. Fine. Scratch that. How about some more focus on international news? I mean, our jacks and jennys have fucked the fuck off, but there's got to be some other countries that have people in charge sticking around and we could focus on them!

Only that nobody would care about that, because in a fit of honesty, even I don't give the international news more than a cursory glance nowadays. But that's mainly Syria's fault, being a colossal downer. Yeah, the only international story my media cares about, and it's about two different sides apparently trying to out-horrible the other side. Pass.

Hmm. I think what I'm actually doing is complaining that with silly season around, I won't have anything I particularly feel like talking about, unless I decide that what my readers want is to listen to me talk on and on about X-Com: Enemy Unknown and Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood.

So please, news media, give me something interesting to talk about.

Failing that, Spain, double down on Gibraltar. Please. For me?