Guns of Icarus Online Kickstarter Adventure Mode - Give Them Your Money, Please.

Heya everyone, quick update this week, and a happier one at that. My most popular posts to date have been my Guns of Icarus Online guides, and in light of that, I thoughts I'd share something with you:

Guns of Icarus Online has started a fresh Kickstarter campaign for an Adventure Mode!

Guns of Icarus Online started life when Muse Games dragged their IP away from their previous publisher and instead went to Kickstater to to crowd source their game rather than rely on finicky publishers – and let's face it, some of them can be real assholes. It was successfully funded, duh, unless many of us are sharing a particularly specific shared hallucination. However, the team behind it had bigger and better ideas then the Skirmish mode is currently is now, and are intending to release an Adventure Mode.

Please excuse me whilst I make plane noises with my mouth.

It'll come with a persistent online world, with PvE and quest based missions. From the teasers they've released thus far, it seems that we'll see a range of enemies, from hordes of solo-piloted steampunk aeroplanes and gigantic boss blimps. The art style has always fascinated me with this game, and I look forward to finally getting some context on the political factions and fashions of this world.

I missed the first Kickstarter campaign, which is a great pity, because of this:

So... practical... *drools*

Look at it. That's the Dust Rider costume, and it's beautiful, and a Kickstarter exclusive award for first time backers. I have a fixation on practical armour. There's nothing that'll get me more annoyed and turned off than a flimsy piece or flesh-revealing costume, which is possibly why I have a love / hate relationship with comics. With this piece, I love no only how good it looks, but how warm it looks – the wind chill on these zeppelins has got to be fierce. So imagine my joy when I discovered that not only will some reward tiers come with this, but they're releasing a new version as well...

So... fancy... *drools*

And finally I'll have my pilot looking the way I want to. Fine. A large part of my desire to pledge was motivated by a purely aesthetic item, but to hell with you! I'll also be getting a poster. My affections are apparently cheaply brought.

If you've found Guns of Icarus Online great so far, or any of the these gorgeous pictures appealing, please give their Kickstarter a look. I've already pledged, which was done through Amazon giving a good measure of security. It is worth mentioning that this did weird out my bank some, and I got a call from their fraud department wondering what on earth I was up to this time, as it looked so odd to them – they got nervous about a pledge of American dollars on my British sterling account. Nice to see that they're actually paying attention, but it is worth a note.

At the time of writing, it has 50 days to go and is already over $42,000 of $100,000 target goal, so it looks like at the current rate of pledges that it will get successfully funded, so if you are afraid you don't want to put your hopes on something that won't see the light of day that should settle you some. Don't forget, Muse Games has successfully done this before and provided, and have some nice reach goals set.

Mmm... at $900K, it'll have crafting, and I'll never escape. And hey, get to 10 million dollars, they may actually entertain the idea of boarding for more then twenty seconds!

Once again, the linky de link link Mclink is here: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/musegames/guns-of-icarus-onlineadventure-mode?play=1&ref=search

By the way, as much as I hate the idea of moving traffic away from my site, if you would like some slightly better proofread, constructed and updated guides to Guns Of Icarus Online I have my guides available on Steam, here. I'm Commodore Karkon, so that's my guides.

But please come back often.

Please.

Let my numbers go up. It's important.  

Misery on misery

A few months ago I decided to look into this Everyday Sexism project. I mean, I know I'm pretty awesome with the whole progressive thing, but there was a decent chance I was doing something – albeit unintentional – that could be considered insensitive. So I took a look at their site.

On the plus side I cursory examination revealed that I wasn't doing anything that was getting called up on their site.

On the minus side OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS MY GENDER DOING.

I mean, I'm not really sure where so many men got the idea that it was okay to touch without permission. Ah. No. Don't do that. You scumbag. This covers a whole bunch of things, It's been a recent thing in the news about the Steubenville rape case. Oh, it's horrific, but the main thing that many news outlets have taken away was that it was a shame for such 'promising students' to do this. Yeah. Mass sympathy. For rapists. Who boasted about it. You can check here for some coverage that doesn't do that, but the case is still awful.

Wanna play a game with me? Imagine a man got raped out on the town. And every news report had these opinions. That he shouldn't of been wearing such a tight shirt. That he shouldn't of been out alone. He shouldn't of been out so late. Shouldn't of been in that part of town. He was clearly gagging for it anyway. He was drunk, who did it hurt? It was only a date rape, that's not a big deal. Yeah... that wouldn't be reported that way. So why is it fine to talk like this the other way?

Now, because I'm not very good with determining correct pronouns and the like (my genius does not have time for such a petty thing as grammar,) and I'm sure everyone out there are swell people, and this isn't an attack on you at home who gets the obvious things I'm about to say... and honestly, I hope I'm preaching to the choir here, but it sadly needs to be said: Don't rape. Don't touch. No one wants to see your penis. Breasts aren't doing the talking, so that's not where you eyes should be exclusively staring at. Don't do that kissing face / sounds. Which I really don't get, because if the intention was to express interest, that assumes a desire for a reciprocal interest, which makes no sense, as there are plenty of different ways to do this without coming across as a complete and colossal creep.

What I did want to talk about was comedy, or how you're doing it wrong. Yes, this is in fact the main thing I want to talk about, but I had to address that elephant in the room there.

One of the many things that annoys me is the constant cries of that the feminists are taking away our jokes. Guys. No. They're not. Sure, they may want you to stop saying certain things, but trust me on this; they weren't funny, nor were they strictly 'jokes.'

As a parallel, if you every wanted to destroy me, you have two options. Firstly, don't follow me on Twitter or read this blog, and I'll end curled up in the corner weeping that nobody appreciates my brilliance. Secondly, set up a recording of me with my friends talking and publish a transcript after chopping out every one else's part of the conversation and I'll be done. I spend a lot of my time with my close friends saying some of the most outrageous, offensive things. And it's funny. Do you know why it's funny? Because they know, most certainly, who I am, and that is not a massive racist/sexist/anti-Semite/homophobe/whatever. A douchebag? Yeah, probably, but they know me, and they know what I am saying is an attack on the mindsets that house those opinions. Context and audience is very important.

So when you respond to a stranger on the internet 'STFU, bitch,' you are not being funny. Especially if they're gone to the internet for a relatively safe place to complain about the shit they get daily for the crime of being a women, and yes, whilst you may intend to be highlighting and mocking the mindset of assholes, to her, it's just another random, uncalled attack. She doesn't know you. This is the internet, and written communication; your context is only implied by the reader, and you will be mistaken on everything and anything. Also. You were not funny. Try to understand comedy is a craft, and you should work on it. Because you suck.

But you know what I'll settle for? For EverdaySexism no longer existing. This is not me declaring that they should shut their complaining and get back in the kitchen, which would be a kinda ironic and nonsensical thing to ask for. I want it to end like the ideal end of a charity scenario: putting itself out of business. To get to a point where this shit isn't everyday.

Because a little while ago they invented a hashtag for Twitter, #Followed. And oh, dear god, no. For starters, once again I ask, why would you do this? Look, people, one quick heads up? That 'playing hard to get' thing? Doesn't happen with strangers. Which is you. And following a person home? You know a home is where you feel safe enough to sleep, right? Which you are now taking that away from somebody? And if she maced you, then she has access to two legal defences in tandem, self-defence and mistake, assuming you're a absolute cretin who wasn't meaning to come across as a predatory rapist. Also, if she maced you? Goood job, hypothetical woman.When this hastag started, I lost my Twitter feed. The end, goodnight, gone. Because all it disappeared under a torrent of misery. Over and over again, a non stop rush of woe and fear. In fact, it made me severely tempted to stop following their Twitter account so that I could feel joy again.

Why do we tolerate living in a world of our creation that lets this be a norm? No one's asking anybody to change overnight. Just that you engage your brain a little bit more often.

God I'm depressed.

I'll think I'll just watch this gif on loop until I feel better.

Oh cuddle cat, make the pain go away.

Topical failure

There's a reason I write about topical things. Mainly a crushing lack of original imaginative ideas. Every week, something new comes up.

Apart from this week.

There's been shit fuck all to talk about. Which, I'll have you know, is a very technical term used by clever people.

Yes, I've been very late into this week. It has definitely been influenced by tabletop RPGs, birthday parties, and the discovery of the BBC's brilliant Sherlock series. But some, a very little bit admittedly  of the blame can be attributed to how nothing of interest to me has leapt up.

Let's be honest there. What we got? A new Mr. Pope. Whee. He still hates gays, women, contraceptives, and the safety of children. Here is the old boss, same as the old boss. Same policies, same hat... perhaps the hat is the medium how which idea transfer? The only new thing about him is that they're really trying to sell the whole 'thrifty man of the poor thing,' which would sell more to me personally if being Mr. Pope didn't come with a jewellery collection that's worth more than some country's annual incomes.

What else? Well we were going to get a new radical way of dealing with the press. Instead of a self-regulatory board, we were going to go with the recommendations of the Leveson Inquiry and create an independent board backed up by legislation, which had cross party support. Until the last moment where David Cameron, ol' Davy boy himself, decided that nah, we're good, we don't need that shit. I have no idea why. I mean, there was fear that the government could influence this board to silence criticism, and of all the people who could benefit from shutting up a host of dissenting voices, it's Davy boy. I get the feeling he's doing it to make the papers love him, and believe me, they would for this, but it won't last for long with his record of annoyance. I would of saved it for a more key moment, but hey, I'm not a professional politician here. Maybe he just wanted to feel loved for once. So once again, it's the status quo.

In fact, ol' Davy boy is the pinnacle of the status quo. I mean, I saw him trying to desperately convince everyone that he knows what he's doing, and he still looks as healthy, full haired and shiny as every. In fact, both him and the Chancellor, George Osborne, or the G Ozzy as I like to call him, seem at the zenith of health. Which is... strange, to say the least. I mean, if I was G Ozzy, staying the course of terrible policies, staring at the god awful numbers that keeps coming up – I mean, we're talking of a triple dip recession now. Let's face it, we're doing pretty shit. Hell, can we be honest, and don't talk about triple dip nonsense, just say it as it is – it's a depression. Sure, we're not meeting the exact definition yet, but we're close. If I was in G Ozzy's place, I would be kept up at night frantically going over the numbers, knowing that every number had a consequence, every number was a family in poverty, a family without work, another person suffering that no matter what I did – which is in this scenario, the same thing over and over regardless of the fact its not working – and I would look like shit. I would be a grey haired, emaciated shell of a human. Every meeting I would have in front of my peers I would be near tears at my uselessness. Hell, look at fellow world leaders. They go grey quick. See the difference between Obama before he became the president and how he is now.

Still comfortably in the lead for most attractive President ever.

It could just be his stress of dealing with a Republican party which seems to be embracing the idea to disagree with whatever he says... because. I'm not saying the Obama is a fountain of pure wisdom, that his policies are nought but wonderful – in truth, I have real issues with some of the shit he's pulled – but I would be going grey if I had to deal with the budget deal insanity. It could just be a cultural clash here, but if a party in this country stood up and said that they were vehemently against closing tax loopholes for the über rich and they were willing to double tap the economy to keep it from happening... yeah, the term 'political suicide,' is far too weak a term here. Political meltdown? Political apocalypse? Political EA terms of service? Anyway, I've spoken about their idiocy with the economy once. It's just a pity in topical circles that this isn't a one-off, but a hilarious running joke with not hilarious consequences.

Yet Davy boy and G Ozzy seem positively glowing. I feel mean for saying this, but it does seem to me that it feels like they just don't care. Nah, that's being facetious. 

They probably just feed off of misery.

Ohh! A new story! Due to a bailout for Cyprus, there's going to be a one off tax on personal savings!

What.

What.

What?

Are you insane?

For fuck's sake people, the headline of the Daily Mail today was about the EU raiding British saving accounts, and I couldn't entirely disagree with it! I couldn't entirely disagree with a headline on the Daily fucking Mail! Of course, it's not exactly accurate – it implies a raid on British savings, when it's strictly British citizens living in Cyprus, but for the Daily Mail that's basic operating standards. I mean, I like the EU (most of the time), I like the way they seem adamant on granting me right and protecting me from bullshit big business, but... come on! What did you think would happen? Sure, you're targeting foreign nationals who've been using Cyprus as a tax haven, but da-yum. That everyone would nod their heads and say, 'Whelp, seems fair.' Ah, no. I know what I would do. If someone threatened a 5% or 10% tax on my savings account, I'd sprint into my bank's foray, screaming 'Give me all my money now!' And just so you know, that is not a scenario that bank's like. And that is exactly what is happening. They're already emptying out ATMs. Can't say I'd blame them. I know the EU doesn't make decisions on how the British press would make of it – they couldn't do anything if they did – but they must know how bad this would look, and how they are giving a whole bunch of banks a punch to the nuts here.

So that's this week. The same old, and a silly thing happening in Cyprus. Now is time to sign out... wait, they  had proof of Nixon committing treason just before his campaign? I take it back! I want to talk about that!

Nooooo!

...huh, am I talented at talking for a while without saying anything. Maybe I should be a politician...

What? EA messes up SimCity's launch? The fuck you say.

I have been eagerly awaiting the release of EA's Maxis recent new addition to their franchise, SimCity. But not the way you might expect. I'm not sitting here, rubbing my hands together with glee, desperate to play a new game. No. You see, I knew ahead of time that SimCity would have Always On DRM, even for singleplayer...

Oh, this is gonna be goooooood...

...and what do you know, EA done fucked up.

They done fucked up big. Day one comes, hell, the first week rolls along, and no one can access the game they played for. Because - who'd of guessed it - the servers went down due to overload. Even though people were playing alone, no one else, which is, what to you know... the whole point about SimCity.

I mean, come on. You knew what you were getting into. Always On DRM? EA? You lot have no excuse. What do you expect, that you pay your money and you get a working game?

Ha! You so stupid!

Of course, in between the bouts of laughter, I thought to myself, ya know, not everyone is to blame. Okay, us gamers are a tech savvy bunch usually, but I thought avoiding EA like a dose of gonorrhoea was common knowledge by this point and clearly it isn't. So, I thought I'd do you a solid. Below is a list of some big video game publisher/developers (which owned/partnered/know associated developers in brackets) with a quick break down of some key concepts: Popular franchises, whether they use Always On DRM, and whether they use Online multiplayer passes. If I see them use passes or Always On DRM once I'll tar them all equally, but I'll try to give further detail. I'll give a little background of their business practices, and if I recommend you can safely pre-order, buy new, and if you should, what system to buy it on: console or PC. I'll be ignoring mobile games currently due to lack of experience in that market.

So read on, and be educated! Because I do that now.

(Incidentally while I may refer to events in a factual manner, all that I say below is MY OPINION, and if I recommend that you avoid a company for dickish behaviour... try not being dicks in future, because there's no money here worth suing out of me.)

Ubisoft

Main franchises: Assassin's Creed, Rayman, Prince of Persia, Just Dance, Farcry, Tom Clancy, Driver, (upcoming) Watch Dogs

Always On DRM: Yes (Explained below)

Online multiplayer pass: Yes

Ubisoft has an official policy that Always on DRM is a thing of the past, that it was cast out to make way for new, better, more friendly thing, like Uplay. Which basically operates as Always on DRM. Look, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, don't get pissy when it gets up crispy fired on my plate. I would recommend ideally only getting Ubisoft titles on the console and dodging the Always on DRM however... Ubisoft does some great things graphically with their PC ports of their games. Judge for yourself; graphical superiority versus the inability to access your game... because. When it comes to buying new or pre-ordering, for the console: sure. Be aware that Assassin's Creed comes out yearly and will drop price quickly when the next game starts being pushed. Buying new / pre-ordering on the PC? Ah. Hmm. I can't recommend, until you get a gauge on how well Uplay is handling things.

Nintendo

Main franchises: Your childhood happiness. Mario, Kirby, Metriod, Smash Brothers, Zelda, Pokemon, so many more

Always on DRM: No

Online multiplayer pass: No

Funny story; if you get EA's Mass Effect 3 for the Wii U, there's no online pass... which is prevalent everywhere else. That's how much Nintendo doesn't like/get online passes. Nintendo barely does DLC at this point, and seems to be stuck in the 1980s, believing that you should just put your game in and be able to play right away and this is glorious. Ninetendo seems to be simply too childish to get some of the more aggressive anti-consumer policies (beyond exploiting your childhood nostalgia mercilessly) and thank god for that. Go ahead, buy new, pre-order, for now this company's still being awesome... if a bit routine, but that's game criticism, not company policy criticism.

Capcom

Main franchises: Devil May Cry, Street Fighter, Resident Evil, Marvel vs. Capcom, Dead Rising

Always on DRM: Yes

Online multiplayer pass: No

Oh, Capcom. Just about to give you a nice 'No,' for Always on DRM, and then you start rolling it out on the PlayStation Network. Naughty. And that 'No' for Online passes? Capcom were rumoured to be implementing it for Resident Evil 6, so they're open to the concept at least. Now Capcom's about to be beaten with the naughty stick for a different reason: DLC practices. Capcom, well... they like On Disk DLC. Which is stupid, as DLC stands for DownLoadable Content, and if it's on the disk, that's not exactly downloading... so it's locked content behind a pay wall. Let me say this nice and clear: NO. BAD CAPCOM. Capcom's DLC attitudes are atrocious. Because of this, I don't want to recommend them at all. If you must, research your game. Depending on the system it's on may effect what you get on the disk, what is locked and what is available. And quite frankly, if you do end up buying Capcom, do yourself a favour and don't buy any DLC until they get the point that locked content isn't acceptable.

Activision (Blizzard)

Main franchises: Call of Duty, Diablo, Starcraft, Tony Hawk, various film licenses, Dangerous Hunts, Quake, World of Warcraft

Always on DRM: Yes

Online mulitplayer pass: Yes

I'll admit I'm lucky that there's few titles from Activision that interest me as this company definitely has some... issues. We all remember the Diablo 3 mess where the servers died an awful death on launch. I have a bigger problem with their constant churning out of games with little change year on year and then dropping support for older games – oh hai Call of Duty, I don't see you come in. Whilst liking Call of Duty, I rarely feel I can get my money's worth. It often sells above average new release price – because they can – comes with a shite load of DLC, and in a year or so will be replaced and the multiplayer game gradually becomes overridden by cheating assholes as Activision stops caring about legacy support. I have Starcraft 2, and the Always on DRM (Battlenet) for my single player experience and stripped LAN support will mean I don't pick up the sequels. Activision is a company you buy from at your own risk, knowing that the initial launch period will likely have issues. Putting off buying new for a week or two may help you sidestep early problems, or at least give you heads up to any deal breaking issues.

Valve

Main franchises: Half Life, Team Fortress, Counter Strike, Portal, Left for Dead

Always on DRM: Sorta. Not really. I'll explain.

Online multiplayer passes: No

Heya Valve! You are the gamer's darling, aren't you! Yes you are! To explain the Always on DRM conundrum, several of Valve's titles are online multiplayer games, so calling it Always on DRM is unfair because, without internet, you weren't playing anyway, and there's limited single player options with a game designed outright as an online multiplayer. There's also Steam. Steam is DRM, but made as convenient as possible, and it's hard to begrudge something that can be accessed offline (mostly) and gives you sweeping sales. My girlfriend however would have it be known it's not perfect: I logged onto Steam on her computer before moving, and whilst waiting for the internet to arrive, she was unable to access any of her games because offline mode wouldn't allow her to switch from the last accessed account. (I'm sorry, by the way. Did I mention that? I'm sorry. Again.) Whilst I would like there to be more competition to Steam (I like Steam and all and have a degree of trust in the owners, but good competition secures honesty) this is a company I approve of. I heartily recommend getting any of their titles for the PC over consoles as the support is better (Team Fortress 2 is a shallow wreck of itself on the Xbox due to update policies) and access to modding communities. Hell, I'd even recommend you allow yourself to pre-order titles, as they often do cross-game promotions, but... they do sales. You might want to wait a bit, you'll get it cheaper.

Bethesda (id Software, Obsidian Entertainment, Arkane Studios)

Main franchises: Fallout, Elder Scrolls, Dishonored, Rage, Doom

Always on DRM: No

Online multiplayer pass: No

One of the companies I still care about, it should be noted that Bethesda don't really do multiplayer stuff so that Online Pass check is a bit irrelevant here. Always take note of the developer: Obsidion have a reputation for making sequels with flaws, and id Software have a reputation for having early driver issues with new games. Also worthy of note is that it was Bethesda who started the joke 'horse armour DLC' nonsense, but they have (for the moment) got some of their DLC silliness out of their system and are more fair about DLC content nowadays, and more flexible with their pricing. I would once again avoid buying for the console: yes I've been saying it a lot, (PC gamer master race!) but here it's paramount. Bethesda like their games big. So big, that things... can get overlooked. Whilst I should be all 'Where's quality control? Who tested this? Blah!' I find myself giving them a little slack with titles that offer 100+ hours content. The standard response, 'We can't test everything,' yeah... with so much content, that actually flies for once. Besides, Bethesda have made great inroads encouraging a healthy modding community, and you'll be missing out on a lot of great stuff (and fixes) if you commit to a console copy. And I have a copy of Fallout 3 on Xbox and PC. And I love both. I would say that pre-ordering and buying new is fine with this company. (Edit: it's been bought to my attention that quite frankly, Bethesda PS3 support sucks. They had porting difficulties, and they just basically gave up. So again, PC gamer master race.)

EA (Viseral, Bioware, Maxis, many partners.)

Main franchises: Oh god, so many. Madden, Mass Effect, Tiger Woods, (multiple sport series actually) Knights of the Old Republic, FIFA, Army of Two, Dead Space, Battlefield, Command & Conquer, Crysis, Dragon Age, Medal of Honor, Need for Speed, Rock Band, Sim series, uh, some of those may have been killed already.

Always on DRM: Yes

Online multiplayer pass: Yes

Hoooooo. The big one. Well, this article was inspired, as mentioned, due to the SimCity mess. Man. There is... there is so many nuances that I have to go into. Namely, EA will hunt down and kill what you love. My main beef (or is that horse?) with EA reached it's tipping point from Mass Effect 3. Without going into overbearing detail (MASS EFFECT 3 BROKE MY HEART) one of the things I took from MA3 was that it felt decidedly more rushed than it's predecessors. There was a definite vibe of 'Meh, it's Mass Effect. Ship it, it'll sell,' regardless of the quality of the game. And this is the sort of thing you must be aware of with EA; if you are emotionally invested in a series, do not expect for one second that EA will not take advantage of that. They will, regardless of how damaging it is in the long term. Not only that, but EA owning a studio or game series you like nowadays seems to be a cause for fear. Hell, not even nowadays; anyone remember Bullfrog? EA will gut studios and game series for not meeting high expectations, and it is rumoured that the brilliant Dead Space series will suffer this fate. All EA games must be expected to come with a wide variety of DLC, of varying degrees of quality, and Day One DLC is to be expected. And Day One DLC feels like a punch in the balls. Oh. And Origin. All the problems with Steam in the 1990s, in 2013. You know EA, one of the advantages of not being first in the market is being able to have mistakes be made by other people, not yourself... all over again. Origin has a vicious End User Licence Agreement, and as linked to your forum account, if you get banned, there's a good chance you'll be banned from your games as well. This is something I hope the European Union takes a look at. With their anti-consumer policies, I cannot in good conscious recommend pre-order... actually, scratch that. I cannot in good recommend in good conscious you buy anything from EA. I say that as a once Mass Effect fan, a Dragon Age fan, a Sim series fan, an Army of Two fan, a Dead Space fan... I cannot justify to myself putting money into this company's pockets any more. And new DLC came out for MA3, it looks amazing, I want it so bad and I can't buy it. I can't do it. If you must, avoid the PC. Unlike Activsion/Blizzard, who have extensive experience with server management, I have little faith with EA's ability to get things running smoothly. Hell, they've cut marketing for Simcity in an attempt to lower server demands. EA has a tremendous catalogue of games, and it's a good chance you want to play them. So if you must, must get them, do me one thing. Please. If you must buy new... give it a week. Maybe two. You'll not only have a better chance to play your game, but if many of you hold out the first one or two weeks (where a majority of sales are made) you'll scare the shit outta EA and just maybe might make them re-think the direction they are heading.

So there you go. I have educated you. About video games.

I am such a generous person.

Picking at things rarely makes it better.

Raaaargh why isn't there something fun to write about? I mean, what have we got? For lack of anything irrelevant to write about, I'm going to glance over the news and give my quick opinion.

Fine, I've got no ideas and I'm this close to writing about how Mass Effect 3 broke my heart. I don't want to hurt again. Let's move one.

Mr. Pope news. I've already talked about it, and the recent issue is the um-ing and ah-ing over the fact there might be two Mr. Pope's which'll be a little confusing. And yet no one is suggesting the Highlander method. Odd.

What else? Oh, mass deaths to fire accident, mass deaths due to fire deliberate... pass.

We could always talk about George Osborne.

Pass.

What else is there to comment on? Hmm, more website blocks because of the evils of piracy – truly the greatest threat our society has ever seen. Wait, who are these people? Kickass Torrents, H33T and Fenopy? I've never heard of them before. Now I have. Um. That may in fact be advertising. So, good job all round anti-piracy groups. If I was the sort of tech-savvy reader who occasionally pirated things, I would be checking them out about now. Fortunately I'm not. No, really. I got into some independent musicians... and they sort of need the money, they do things much better than the tripe mainstream artists, and without a label, all the money goes straight into their pocket. And every knows how to still access The Pirate Bay. Sure, it's blocked, but on the internet that's sorta akin to standing firm in the middle of an open field and declaring, 'None shall pass!' as a bemused crowd of people simply swell past you.

Horse meat scandal. This I like, but most of the puns have been used up already. For those not in the know, it's been revealed that everything we've ever eaten that we thought was from a cow was actually from a horse. Everything. All horse. Burgers? Horse. Lasagne? Horse. Chicken strips? Probably horse. Baby leaf spinach? Wafer-thin horse dyed green. Personally, I was more disturbed that pork was finding it's way into things it shouldn't because there are quite a few groups of people who take that very seriously, and I sympathise. I don't get why however they threw all the meat out. By this point, cultural squick aside, it was by all accounts delicious and not killing you. Okay, they discovered that the horse had waaaaay over the recommended limit for some painkillers, but I was surprised that Tesco Value burgers actually contained meat, let alone meat not comprised of mechanically pressured off gristle from a stray cat. Hell, I would of bought some burgers for the novelty, no matter what the neigh-sayers say.

Whoa there, that pun was so bad it made me want to bale.  Too bad I canter race it.

Okay, I just reflexively punched myself, but on the plus side, that was the last available puns and they're all used up now. No more left.

Groping is back in the news as a Liberal Democrat lord is accused of doing something he shouldn't of without getting some express permission first, and predictably, it went big for the wrong reasons. Mainly because currently, the Lib Dems like to double down on every mess they create, and so, it looks like there  might have been a cover up of some description. Look. People in charge. Are you, and all your underlings, so competent that you could ever successfully orchestrate a cover up? You guys? Especially if you wear a yellow punnet on your chest. It doesn't help that this is the week I started following http://www.everydaysexism.com/ I mean, Jesus people! What the fuck are you doing? I first looked into it because I thought to myself: I know I'm a pretty brilliant guy, but you know, I might be unintentionally doing some things that can be construed as sexist, so I'll take a look and make sure any ignorant behaviour on my part, can be educated and thus made better and JESUS FUCK WHAT ARE US MEN DOING. No. Nooo. NoooooooOOOOOooo. Don't... don't touch. Never touch without explicit permission. No. Bad touch. Noooooooo. I'm sitting here, rocking back and forth, knowing that all these horrible tales are going to stick in my memory forever and I'll spend the rest of my life apologizing to every woman I meet for the awful things my gender does. My twitter feed is nothing but the stories of agony yet I can't unfollow in case it makes me look like an asshole. Curse my social progressive ways! So this story make me want to hit people with a stick if it's been covered up.

Fine. George Osborne. We've lost our AAA credit rating. Yay. At what point can we finally say that his policies are a pile of shit and aren't working? Because only a fool would continue, let alone increase the-oh wait. You know, I'm not a economist, and in fairness clearly G Ozzy isn't either, but we've shifted the goalposts enough by now. G Ozzy, you realise that if the economy was being orginally being played in Wembley, you've just finished setting up the goalposts in Barcelona? Look. It's alright to be shit at your job. Look at Jeremy Hunt, the Daily Mail, EA's public relations division, anybody involved in Alien: Colonial Marines or Nick Clegg the Traitor King, (assuming the latter actually had anything meaningful to do aside from making the tea at meetings). It's just when you're this shit, you might as well go nuts with it now. Davy ain't firing you, for reasons I can only assume relate to your alleged ability to suck a medicine ball through a garden hose, but instead of more cuts, when don't you go for broke and do some fun stuff? Buy HMV, and put all the staff to work in management positions in the RBS and vice versa. Or Lloyds. Do we own Lloyds? Spend a million on scratch cards and Euro Million tickets. Turn tricks to visiting ambassadors for bonds anything. Just stop doing what you're doing now. The excuse of 'it's all the previous government's fault,' is sorta sounding thin a couple years on. It's on you now. I mean, you didn't really think you could legitimately blame them as furlong as you have, right?

If I don't stop these puns, my  entire audience will giddy up and hoof it.

Okay, those puns escaped, and I'm sorry.

Australian's are turning down drink. I do not approve. You are turning your backs on a unique cultural stereotype! Why, if you aren't perpetual drunks, that only leaves the Irish! And the Scottish. And the Welsh. Russians, too. And the English, if I'm honest. And the... okay fine, not that unique. Just go be... er, brilliant at sports or whatever stereotype you have left. Hmm. Wait. I've seen the 2012 Olympic medals table. You were beaten out by Italy. Wait, only one, single, solitary gold for swimming? Huh. You really are opposing stereotypes recently. There's always... barbecues? Uh. Actually, a lot of the southern states of America want that. Look, cheer up. You'll always have the most bat-shit crazy dangerous creatures. Sure, you only have nine out the ten of the world's most dangerous snakes, but strictly speaking, you have nine out the nine most dangerous snakes in the world. That's... that's okay, right? Just sit back, have a beer, and... oh. Sorry. Not doing that any more. Awkward.

Okay. Fuck it. I'm going to finish on a happy note. One happy fucking note.

Just one happy note. Please.

Yes! Front page on the BBC news at time of writing, we have...

Slightly less youth unemployment since this time last year!

Fuck it. I'll take it.