Picking at things rarely makes it better.

Raaaargh why isn't there something fun to write about? I mean, what have we got? For lack of anything irrelevant to write about, I'm going to glance over the news and give my quick opinion.

Fine, I've got no ideas and I'm this close to writing about how Mass Effect 3 broke my heart. I don't want to hurt again. Let's move one.

Mr. Pope news. I've already talked about it, and the recent issue is the um-ing and ah-ing over the fact there might be two Mr. Pope's which'll be a little confusing. And yet no one is suggesting the Highlander method. Odd.

What else? Oh, mass deaths to fire accident, mass deaths due to fire deliberate... pass.

We could always talk about George Osborne.

Pass.

What else is there to comment on? Hmm, more website blocks because of the evils of piracy – truly the greatest threat our society has ever seen. Wait, who are these people? Kickass Torrents, H33T and Fenopy? I've never heard of them before. Now I have. Um. That may in fact be advertising. So, good job all round anti-piracy groups. If I was the sort of tech-savvy reader who occasionally pirated things, I would be checking them out about now. Fortunately I'm not. No, really. I got into some independent musicians... and they sort of need the money, they do things much better than the tripe mainstream artists, and without a label, all the money goes straight into their pocket. And every knows how to still access The Pirate Bay. Sure, it's blocked, but on the internet that's sorta akin to standing firm in the middle of an open field and declaring, 'None shall pass!' as a bemused crowd of people simply swell past you.

Horse meat scandal. This I like, but most of the puns have been used up already. For those not in the know, it's been revealed that everything we've ever eaten that we thought was from a cow was actually from a horse. Everything. All horse. Burgers? Horse. Lasagne? Horse. Chicken strips? Probably horse. Baby leaf spinach? Wafer-thin horse dyed green. Personally, I was more disturbed that pork was finding it's way into things it shouldn't because there are quite a few groups of people who take that very seriously, and I sympathise. I don't get why however they threw all the meat out. By this point, cultural squick aside, it was by all accounts delicious and not killing you. Okay, they discovered that the horse had waaaaay over the recommended limit for some painkillers, but I was surprised that Tesco Value burgers actually contained meat, let alone meat not comprised of mechanically pressured off gristle from a stray cat. Hell, I would of bought some burgers for the novelty, no matter what the neigh-sayers say.

Whoa there, that pun was so bad it made me want to bale.  Too bad I canter race it.

Okay, I just reflexively punched myself, but on the plus side, that was the last available puns and they're all used up now. No more left.

Groping is back in the news as a Liberal Democrat lord is accused of doing something he shouldn't of without getting some express permission first, and predictably, it went big for the wrong reasons. Mainly because currently, the Lib Dems like to double down on every mess they create, and so, it looks like there  might have been a cover up of some description. Look. People in charge. Are you, and all your underlings, so competent that you could ever successfully orchestrate a cover up? You guys? Especially if you wear a yellow punnet on your chest. It doesn't help that this is the week I started following http://www.everydaysexism.com/ I mean, Jesus people! What the fuck are you doing? I first looked into it because I thought to myself: I know I'm a pretty brilliant guy, but you know, I might be unintentionally doing some things that can be construed as sexist, so I'll take a look and make sure any ignorant behaviour on my part, can be educated and thus made better and JESUS FUCK WHAT ARE US MEN DOING. No. Nooo. NoooooooOOOOOooo. Don't... don't touch. Never touch without explicit permission. No. Bad touch. Noooooooo. I'm sitting here, rocking back and forth, knowing that all these horrible tales are going to stick in my memory forever and I'll spend the rest of my life apologizing to every woman I meet for the awful things my gender does. My twitter feed is nothing but the stories of agony yet I can't unfollow in case it makes me look like an asshole. Curse my social progressive ways! So this story make me want to hit people with a stick if it's been covered up.

Fine. George Osborne. We've lost our AAA credit rating. Yay. At what point can we finally say that his policies are a pile of shit and aren't working? Because only a fool would continue, let alone increase the-oh wait. You know, I'm not a economist, and in fairness clearly G Ozzy isn't either, but we've shifted the goalposts enough by now. G Ozzy, you realise that if the economy was being orginally being played in Wembley, you've just finished setting up the goalposts in Barcelona? Look. It's alright to be shit at your job. Look at Jeremy Hunt, the Daily Mail, EA's public relations division, anybody involved in Alien: Colonial Marines or Nick Clegg the Traitor King, (assuming the latter actually had anything meaningful to do aside from making the tea at meetings). It's just when you're this shit, you might as well go nuts with it now. Davy ain't firing you, for reasons I can only assume relate to your alleged ability to suck a medicine ball through a garden hose, but instead of more cuts, when don't you go for broke and do some fun stuff? Buy HMV, and put all the staff to work in management positions in the RBS and vice versa. Or Lloyds. Do we own Lloyds? Spend a million on scratch cards and Euro Million tickets. Turn tricks to visiting ambassadors for bonds anything. Just stop doing what you're doing now. The excuse of 'it's all the previous government's fault,' is sorta sounding thin a couple years on. It's on you now. I mean, you didn't really think you could legitimately blame them as furlong as you have, right?

If I don't stop these puns, my  entire audience will giddy up and hoof it.

Okay, those puns escaped, and I'm sorry.

Australian's are turning down drink. I do not approve. You are turning your backs on a unique cultural stereotype! Why, if you aren't perpetual drunks, that only leaves the Irish! And the Scottish. And the Welsh. Russians, too. And the English, if I'm honest. And the... okay fine, not that unique. Just go be... er, brilliant at sports or whatever stereotype you have left. Hmm. Wait. I've seen the 2012 Olympic medals table. You were beaten out by Italy. Wait, only one, single, solitary gold for swimming? Huh. You really are opposing stereotypes recently. There's always... barbecues? Uh. Actually, a lot of the southern states of America want that. Look, cheer up. You'll always have the most bat-shit crazy dangerous creatures. Sure, you only have nine out the ten of the world's most dangerous snakes, but strictly speaking, you have nine out the nine most dangerous snakes in the world. That's... that's okay, right? Just sit back, have a beer, and... oh. Sorry. Not doing that any more. Awkward.

Okay. Fuck it. I'm going to finish on a happy note. One happy fucking note.

Just one happy note. Please.

Yes! Front page on the BBC news at time of writing, we have...

Slightly less youth unemployment since this time last year!

Fuck it. I'll take it.