Dear Scotland, please don't go!

As the date towards the vote on Scottish independence draws ever closer, I am reminded of a old, bitter couple, now with one of them having a foot out the door, forcing the second to finally notice that something isn't right. Sadly however, instead of protests of innocence and crooning encouragement to come back into a warm and happy union we've seen my side raise their fists and threaten bloody murder on Scotland should they try to leave.

Where do we start? Well, that whole thing over the military shipbuilding yard, where we made it quite clear that an independent Scotland would see those jobs vanish over the border. We've had the spiteful spat that an independent Scotland would also lose the pound, which is fairly damaging as the EU won't just hand over the euro to be used by a fresh-faced country. The hat-trick of backhands was complete when we've indicated this pile of credit card bills stashed behind the sofa, and your name's on 'em too, darlin,' and if you try fuckin' walkin' out you can take your bloody debt wid' yer! So basically we English have been our usual charming selves.

Pictured: English charm.

It doesn't help that this pleading has been led by the Tories, as they're currently in charge the buck falls on them to be the peacemakers. Considering that Scotland hates them some Tories and we've got a real contender for by the end of this September having a new independent Scotland on our books.

But don't fear! While my government wave belts menacingly and issue dire threats, I'll stand outside Scotland's window with a boombox of love telling them all the sweet nothings to woo them back into giving us another chance. Let it be me, on my tiny blog, to re-unite our two peoples.

Scotland! You want to be part of our union, baby. Why, stick with us, and you'll benefit from a host of pleasures! Like...

1. The West Lothian Exploit

Now, for those of my readers without an understanding of the infamous West Lothian Question, it goes like thus: certain matters of English law can be voted upon by Scottish members of Parliament that exclusively effect England and not Scotland. Basically, it the best thing ever. Hear me out: Top Up Fees for student debt and Foundation Hospitals are two laws that firstly have no relevance in Scotland, as their students go free and have no foundation hospitals, yet only passed with Scottish parliamentary support. Scotland, as part of our union, you can troll the shit outta us. You've already done so with the Top Up Fees!

As an independent nation, you options to fuck over the English are rather limited, seeing that you would have to do so via international law. However, as part of our union, you can enable us to pass the stupidest, most fucking petty and ridiculous of laws and laugh about it safe and sound over the border. Think of the chances to make us look like utter fools with our own legislature! That's worth sticking around and milking for all it's worth.

2. We're A Damn Money Pot

Look, think of the stupidest thing you could want, like a centre dedicated to knitting tiny woolen coats for polar bears. You can fund that through us. I'm serious, dead serious. Just walk up to Davy boy and ask for it. When he says no, as is his habit, point out it's a unique part of your Scottish heritage and tell him if he wants to be the big, mean Tory who keeps neglecting Scotland. He'll hand over the cash then, for sure. Hell, you could also do it for expensive and frivolous infrastructure projects should you desire for something sort of sensible.

Of course, Davy boy would counter by turning his pockets inside out and making a sad face about having no money. Don't believe him. It's utter tripe. Earlier this week he was announcing that money was no object for flood relief victims, and even before that he was banging on about a big pension pot increase year in and out. He's been arguing austerity for so long that we've come to believe it: he's lying. No money left for the poor, the disabled, the vulnerable, the unemployed, but apparently an infinite pile of moolah for flood victims and the ever important voting bloc of the elderly? Nah, bullshit. We've got money, he's just playing favorites.

And if he continues to protest poverty then get him in a headlock and noogie him until he submits. He's a little Eton toff, and you're all fucking powerhouses made of beef over the northern border. He'll crack within seconds.

3. Our Wussiness Will Make You Feel Like Mighty Gods

Between you guys and the Gurkha, I'm confident we need you to solve all our collective military issues. And we're England, we get in fights all the damn time. And we pick the best fights! You don't want to pass on the opportunity to further emasculate us.

Look, the muthafuckin' Romans gave up trying to fight you. That's all I'm saying.

4. Don't Leave Me Alone Down Here

This point is fairly selfish, but here goes. Scotland. Please. For the of God don't leave me down here all along with the Tories. Look, I know one of the reasons you want out is that we English keep fucking up and vote the Tories in, who you hate. I get it, I hate them too. I mean, I dislike Labour, and I despise the Liberal Democrats, and I weary of the Green Part, but please! Your massive block of anti-Tory votes up and leaving would trap me in England with the likelihood of becoming a near permanent one-party state.

In attempts of fairness, let's equate something important for holding up our country by a metaphoric arch and see what each party would do to it. A Labour government would remove the vital keystone and watch the arch collapse - but they'd do it through incompetence, genuinely believing by removing the keystone that they would be helping. The Lib Dems would create a four hour television musical about how they'd never remove the keystone and then immediately after would remove said keystone looking you dead in the eye whilst doing so before passing it off to someone else. The Green Party would remove the keystone because the arch was unnatural and was better off collapsed. But we all know the Tories would sell the keystone off in a heartbeat, have the arch collapse on a load of poor people and then piss on them whilst manically laughing. In all cases, the arch has collapsed, which is not good. But sweet merciful Jesus do not, do not fucking trap me down here with them.

I swear, I swear to any fucking deity you care to put before me if you fucking walk I will be right up on your border without minutes, hopping over Hadrian's wall with my bloody suitcase and you'll have to deal with me, your newest tenant. And you don't want that at all.

Okay, fine, we're back to threats again but please don't go Scotland. Please. We love you. We can make this work.

And please don't take all your sexy attractive red heads with you. That's just mean.

(Incidentally, I have noted that I start nearly every post with 'So...' and I'm sorry, and I'm desperately trying to kick the habit.)