Don't hate the player... unless he's really a dick.

It finally makes sense. Everything. At last. You see, here's the big truth: David Cameron doesn't want to be re-elected. At all.

I present as evidence for my claims, Exhibit A: David Cameron voluntarily with One Direction.
I hereby close my case.

Come on people, look at his policies thus far. Firstly, we his admirable drive to provide equal marriage rights for homosexual couples, in open defiance of his more crotchety back benching bigots. While it'll come a welcome relief for many, the Conservatives hardcore reaction to this legislation has proven undoubtedly that as a whole, if you're gay, they don't have your back.

The NHS? Cutting is something any Tory was going to do to the NHS, but by basically selling it off as they've achieved thus far they've deeply upset not only retirees but doctors as well, another two key demographics for Tory's. The elderly will notice their standard of care drop and have no where else to point the finger, and the sheer rage doctors have been showering Jeremy Hunt is delicious. All I'm saying Hunt, if you get involved in an accident and they send you to the closest hospital instead of bouncing you to a BUPA centre, prepare to have a 'Do Not Resuscitate' label affixed to you regardless of your actual injury. Or they could just leave him to die in a puddle of his own filth, as nurses and doctors become an increasing rarity with the cuts they're expected to meet which he implemented, which would honestly be the funniest thing ever. Or the most ironic thing. I'd find it funny, at least.

Let's call the welfare abuse as par for the course, but instead take a glance at the army and police. The one thing you'd imagine Davy boy would happily throw money at, but no, he's not doing that either. Fortunately we don't have any conspiring Normans off our coasts, because we're having difficultly filling the holes in our ranks our cuts have dealt with reservists, and our police aren't doing that great either. We're lucky to be having falling crime rates, even if the cynic in me points out if I wanted falling crime rates the first thing I'd do is cut the police force – less police equals less detecting of crime, thus less crime found, ergo less crime. QED. Ironically, if I wanted the crime rates to increase I'd dramatically increase the size of the police force so that they'd find crime by the sheer volume of coppers tripping over it.

What about fracking? Well, as charming as it was stupid for Lord Howell to proclaim that fracking should be done in the 'desolate' north east of England, there's a minor problem with that. It's on par with why I'm not as rich as the United Arab Emirates; I don't have vast deposits of oil in my back garden. Hell, I don't even have a garden. So as for why we're not fracking in the north east of England... there's no shale oil reserves there. At all. It's all in the south east, which many Conservative MPs are happy to sign off on...  much to the displeasure of their residents. Their true blue voting residents. Who are seriously thinking of giving those safe seats a shake up by standing against them as independents, pointing out they're known as NIMBYs for a god damn reason.

I mean, Davy boy has implemented the racist van, a van so god damn racist that enough UKIP, bloody UKIP, have been taking a step back and saying,  'Whoa mate, that's a bit too much.' Wow. You out did UKIP. Yeah. You aren't meant to attempt that, let alone succeed.

And his yelling about porn! I'll keep this quick as I've already covered it. Sure, Davy boy, I'll admit, it'll make some people happy. It'll make a lot more people sigh wearily, especially people who know the first thing about the internet, namely, his advisor who helped co-found honest-to-god-bloody Wikipedia. So anybody who knows even a little about the internet thinks he's an idiot. And anyone who knows a little more about the internet knows that the company that Davy boy really likes for stopping all that nasty porn is in cohoots with Huawei... who have a close relations with... wait for it! China. Yup, the Chinese States, who are well know for their, ah, 'open' policy of free information.Ah. So. If this comes to pass, maybe Tienanmen Square counts as porn as well? BLOCKED.

With the recent revelations that  UK wages are yes, wait for it, have had the biggest decline in Europe whilst MPs get a whopping huge pay rise it's getting hard to imagine who's left who would vote for him. Not the public sector of civil servants, because they're amusingly enough on a pay freeze. Not enough money to go around, see?

I mean, maybe his rich friends would happily vote for him, but one of the few problems of having the backing of the 1% is that they're just that. And there's always more poor people than rich people, and it's undeniable to say that the poor aren't getting the best deal under this government.

Perhaps Davy boy remembered that he did actually promise to have an in-out referendum after being re-elected, and belatedly realized what a huge cock up that was. Okay, fine, the polls get a little complicated about which side would win, for or against, I'll give you that. But Davy boy knows why we stick in; the money. Oh god, the money. Mmmm, free trade. Oh, and the ability to stand as united set of nations against a variety of emerging gigantic corporations who nowadays wield as much wealth and power as a country does as well comes in handy. And he doesn't want to have to end up campaigning to stay in the EU; most of his supporters would spontaneously combust in rage.

But still, while I finally get his policies are clearly being enacted to upset everyone, I don't get why it's his mission to upset everyone. I mean, he's allegedly a politician. That's not exactly what you want to do, surely.

Unless... unless...

Okay, hear me out.

Davy boy and the Nick Clegg, the Cleggster, the Traitor King, are sitting in Number 10 whilst Cleggy serves Davy boy some tea. They are chatting aimlessly, when:

Cleggy: I bet you a tenner couldn't get more people to hate you more than me.

Davy boy: A tenner? Fucking watch this, shit for brains!

Look, if you have any better ideas, please tell me, so that things make sense again.