Christmas commercials are inescapable as they are rubbish

It is very possible that it has entered the time of year we call Christmas. And by 'we,' I mean 'commercial retailers,' and by 'entered the time of year,' I mean 'for, like, two months, the fuck?'

I've begrudgingly allowed it to be deemed entering the festive season as I've actually begun my shopping, because if I start now I'll hopefully get it out of the way before the Christmas songs start. I mean, I understand that retailers want to set the mood so that I part with my cash, it's just that there aren't that many Christmas songs worth speaking about and after the fiftieth bloody time I've heard Jingle Bells or whatever entering a store and hearing it for the fifty-first time makes me want to turn on the spot and leave. It turns into an endurance match - can I complete my shopping before I have to set fire to everything in the attempt to make the warbling stop?

THERE'S NO SNOW IN AFRICA THIS CHRISTMAS BECAUSE IT'S ON THE FUCKING EQUATOR.

Once again, I look around my apartment glad of the non-existence of a television because already now I have subjected to Christmas adverts in passing. I thought I'd dodge them in their entirety this year, but going to the cinema subjected me to a round of Chrimbo themed product shills. And they're awful. Just awful. Recently the zeitgeist has been to have adverts tell some sickeningly sweet story designed to tug at the heartstrings - I don't care. I have no heart to tug on. The ad is about thirty seconds long. That's not really enough time to get me emotionally invested in anything. Well. Actually, if there was a thirty second clip of a tired looking person getting a hot item of food - soup, instant meal, caviar, whatever - and they dropped it, I would feel sad for them. That's the extent of my empathy. That looked tasty, and now you have nothing. Sucks, mate.

In an honest evaluation, if you've spend a minute or so carefully telling a story, what you've actually done is spent a very expensive minute not telling me about your goods and wares. You are probably banking on that the story catches the media's interest and they coo over it granting you lots of free exposure but now everybody's doing it you're shit outta luck. I've got a good idea for some wide ranging publicity. Shoot a puppy in the face in your ad. Boom. Instant controversy, instant exposure. Then after the screaming hits fever pitch reveal that you never shot the puppy, so it's all cool.

Now that I think about it, I probably should of mentioned you weren't actually going to shoot the puppy in the face first. Yeah.

I'd have more interest in a thirty second ad of a bloke yelling 'HERE IS MY STUFF. I SELL IT HERE. YOU SHOULD BUY IT HERE, FOR CHRISTMAS.' Maybe some variations: 'MY STUFF IS BLOODY CHEAP BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE ALL FUCKING BROKE AS SHIT' or 'MY STUFF IS FUCKING EXPENSIVE BECAUSE YOU'RE WELL OFF AND HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO EXPRESS EMOTION BAR THE GIVING OF EXPENSIVE BUT ULTIMATELY POINTLESS TRINKETS.' Nice, simple, to the point and not bullshitting you - retailers don't give one flying fuck about how your Chrimbo turns out. They just want you to buy their shit.

The one ad that truly earned my ire so far was Morrison's ad. In it, a cutsey gingerbread man sings a butchered version of Beauty and the Beast's 'Be My Guest.' It's kind of agonizing, the way it no longer flows anymore. For this to work, you're going to have to speak / sing these lines I'm feeding you out loud. Try not to do so in public, for fear of starting a spontaneous Disney sing-along.

Go on, mug it up. It's not like you had anything to work with in this train wreck.

Original line: 'tie your napkin round you neck, cherie, and we'll provide the rest'

Becomes...

Crappy ad line: 'tie your napkin round your neck <awkward pause> and we'll provide the rest'

That pause. That one word, those two syllables, cut out bring the song and the beat to a shuddering halt. It doesn't help that the ad's song sounds slower, crippling it with a lack of energy. Re-watching the song, in that pause, I fixed the broken bathroom lock, took out the bins, set up my pension, learnt carpentry, recommitted myself to taking up exercise by going swimming, fathered a child, got murdered in front of said child, and watched from beyond the grave my child deal with his crippling emotional issues by dressing as a winged rodent and punching dudes in the face. One word, two syllables. That's all you had to replace it with! THERE ARE MANY OPTIONS!

Besides, I don't like being reminded about Beauty and the Beast. That film raises too many questions. Like, where does that witch get off by cursing hundreds of innocent wage slaves because a ten year old bratty price was bratty? He's ten. He's a brat. That's sort of what ten year olds do. That, and isn't everyone lucky that the prince (and Belle, for that matter) was heterosexual? I mean, the curse clearly stated it could only be broken by romantically loving, and being loved in return, by a woman. Way to enforce a damaging hetero-normative worldview, bitch. What if the prince spent his off hours lustfully staring into his magic mirror watching Gaston work out? Well, in that case, you better off getting used to being a sapient plunger for the rest of eternity.

Admittedly, the man is pretty damn cut..

Gaston, the villain, inspires a whole town of ordinary people to charge into a terrifying beast's lair because he's been kidnapping their people - if Gaston had won, he's be the hero. Also, once again, the innocent house staff your be trapped for all time as scrubbing brushes. I mean, quite possibly Belle is suffering from a serious case of Stockholm Syndrome, but with the future of hundreds on staff on the line I could see why kidnapping her might seem like an justifiable action. Let's face it, it's very, very easy to twist the scenarios in this film and look at it in a whole new light...

Wait.

We appear to have got off topic.

Anyway, the sad thing is, even if you make a shitty ad just targeting my needless specific preferences, the thing is - it's basically inherently pointless. Because let's face it, we're all doing our shopping on the internet. It's like shopping on the high street, only they have what you want, plays only the music you want, is nice and warm, no crowds of people and is much, much cheaper.

The only downside is that you don't get to set anything on fire.

ALSO THEY MAY NOT KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS BECAUSE STATISTICALLY THE MOST POPULAR RELIGION IN AFRICA IS ISLAM YOU PATRONIZING FUCK.