The Daily Mail freaks out. Again.

A lot of the time I'd rather find something, anything, else to talk about rather than politics and godawful media. However, I lot of the time I walk past the newspapers on the way to buy groceries, which means I will see the front pages, on average, about thirty times a week. You see, they're by the front door, so I see them twice, on the way in and on the way out.

Also I go nearly everyday, because everyday I have forgotten at least one very important thing. Also I go often twice a day, because every damn day I realise I have forgotten at least one very important thing and try to rectify it there and then, whilst forgetting about at least three other very important things.

Basically, I really need to start writing down a list.

So. The Daily Mail had a treat for me on Friday.

Aw, it thinks it's a newspaper!

It's a work of art. I love it. It's truly beautiful, like a Da Vinci made in smeared fecal matter. Let's take out our tweezers and dissect this bit by bit, yes? And make sure you're wearing adequate protective clothing and goggles, you wouldn't want to get any of it on you. And yes, this does mean I'm been diving in filth for your education and enjoyment. I hope you're sodding happy.

First of all, let's take a gander at those statistics they're happily bandying around. Now everyone, what I am about to say may shock you: sometimes, The Daily Mail isn't totally accurate when it comes to statistics. I know, it's painful to hear. Now, The Daily Mail is happily telling us that 82% of people in Britain don't want any more immigration from Bulgaria and Romania. Well let's start by mentioning there's an important distinction the the Mail has sadly omitted on those lines - that strictly speaking, its only 82% of its own readers who could be bothered to answer a poll. Or, according to their own statistics from a Harris poll, 82% of 1027 people. 841 people. If we allow ourselves the indulgence of hazy math again, Britain has a population of roughly 63 million. So, 82% of that is roughly 53 million. I am of the opinion that 53 million and 841, are very fucking different numbers.

Now I'll pass over that for now, because 4 out of 5 people saying their should be greater immigration controls... whatever. I don't care anymore. That could be true. If anything, I'm impressed that as low as four out of five people who read The Daily Mail who can be bothered to answer a poll want greater immigration controls. But let's look at the next two numbers they wanted to quote. Namely, that 85% of people believe that schools and the NHS cannot cope. Well for starters, I don't give a flying fornication that 85% of people believe that schools and the NHS cannot cope, because that's asking what people think, not what's actually the case. People believe in anti-vaccination, and 9/11 conspiracies. I mean, seriously, 47 million people believe Justin Beiber is worth following on Twitter. Lots of people believing in something doesn't make it right, it just means that's lots of people out there who are in the best scenario, are wrong, the worst scenario, are bloody idiots.

Let me just put this there and walk away.

Besides, if this is a real concern for the Mail and its readers, perhaps they should be pillorying the Tories to spend some money on the NHS, not set it up to fail with drastic budget cuts to justify selling it off. I mean, they're barely coping now, so it's not too much of a stretch admittedly to believe further increases on services would make them struggle, but I'd rather hear about senior doctors and administrators say how they can't cope. You know, people with actual authority and knowledge about their subject?

Next we have the stat about 'dem taking our jeebs! Please. 'Dem taking our jeebs! has been trotted out for ages. I'm so bored of it I can't be bothered to refute it. Why don't they blame the Irish for taking our jobs, let us come full circle in irrational blame? It's always curious how immigrants are simultaneously managing claim all our benefits yet take all our jobs. It's remarkably efficient, when you think about it.

What I think is most likely to happen is that we'll get immigration for Bulgaria and Romania, that is true. They'll work for a while, then some'll start going home. You know, exactly the same damn thing that happened with the Polish immigration we were bricking ourselves about last time. Only this time, instead of them leaving after the country has started getting a liking for Polish cakes and spiced sausages, we get to look forward to Romanian and Bulgarian delicacies they'll bring with them. I hear Bulgaria makes a mean yogurt, and Romania do some killer wines. Hell, our own immigration minister has said a mass influx isn't going to happen as guess what - Germany's looking pretty damn good now, showing off those curvy jobs and perky economy. And he's a bloody Tory! He should be whining and griping - nope, he seems to be wishing everyone would shut up so he could get some work down.

(You see, I'm perfectly able to be reasonable to people of differing political beliefs as long as they say things I agree with. That's, uh, fair, right?)

Besides, let's think logically here. Let's say you live in Romania, and don't want to work, and like sitting on your tush all day claiming benefits. Now Britain has opened up. Want to go there? Well, you could... but that would involve leaving all your family behind, your friends, having to drink shit wine, and having to deal with rude English people and a slashed benefit system compared to Romania's low unemployment and the sort of all encompassing government care that comes from a communist legacy. You're packing up and dealing with our shit. Yeah, right.

You know my deep, personal experiences with Eastern European people are?

That they're people. Some are arseholes. Some are perfectly nice. Others are a blend of both. Because they're just people. And far from being the criminal underclass that many people in the media would convey, they're just fucking people.

Last week, I was getting changed after swimming. Having just finished covering up the truly indecent bits, only leaving the indecently embarrassing bits, a man came over to me, with a very strong Eastern European accent. Don't ask we which one - I'm British, I can tell between our Essex, Yorkshire, Newcastle accents - Eastern European accents are a bit beyond me. In heavily accented tones, he asked if I had dropped a wallet, proffering one towards me. Mine was still in my pocket, the worn brown leather weirdly given way to blue, (perhaps suggesting that I overpaid for something that isn't really leather) so I said no. He shrugged and asked where we should give it in. I suggested the reception, and with a indication to his young son in the corner, he offered it to me to take up, as he was busy. I agreed, nearly walking out before remembering I should be dressed first, for fear of my pasty white near nudity horrifying onlookers. The owner the the wallet came in forty seconds later, and was pointed in my direction by the Eastern European bloke.

In about a minute of conversation, this random example of humanity had tried to return lost property, and in failing doing so, had inquired about appropriate course of action before handing it off to another as he had his own commitments. Then he directed the owner to his lost property, when given the chance. That's a far cry to what The Daily Mail would have you believe about people who talk and look different. AND! When playing with his son in the pool, he kept him well out of the adult swimming lanes, which is something I wish more parents did.

Okay, I'm only one example, but I've pointed out before, I'm more reputable than real journalists who get paid for a living. Besides, it's not like anyone is deigning to mention that, oh look, immigration often has a net benefit on finances!

In summary: The Daily Mail is awful, bears still shit in the woods, I have to go back to Tescos pick up some bloody milk.

Again.

EDIT: And yesterday, The Daily Express had a similar headline, only this time they used the much more accurate qualification that they had 150,000 of their readers who could be bothered to answer a poll who want greater immigration controls. So while I lament the continued demonisation of immigration, I will at least appreciate the more accurate statistical front page reporting.

And it's a bigger sample size, too! What fun.