Roboroach: The scientific way to horrify people

Okay, so let's gets some science in here. This'll be good, because I'm basically going to take my vague and hazy style of writing and apply to something that really doesn't like being vague and hazy, except in the case of gravity at the quantum level, which officially has the stamp of 'fucked if we know.' Anyway, what I wanted to talk about today is... drum roll please! Is...

The RoboRoach.

"Excuse me, I should go. Somewhere, there is a crime happening."

So, a company called Backyard Brains has created this kit, which when properly attached to a cockroach, will enable you to rudimentally control said cockroach. How do you control this wonder, I hear you ask in terrified, terrified screams? Why, good customer, how the best things are done nowadays. From your phone.

Undead cyborg cockroach controller? We have an app for that.

Now, I do see, on the one hand, this is sort of fascinating. Here we have a product that let's you briefly control an insect, and it's very interesting - it raises all manner of questions and awareness about neuroscience, and as it's marketed towards kids, well, anything that gets kids interested in science is surely a good thing, right?

Right?

"...kill... me..."

You know, if this was done in a laboratory, I wouldn't care. It's a bleedin' cockroach. They're not sapient, there's loads of the fuckers, knock yourself out creating a cyborg 'roach army whilst learning about neuroscience. However, this is a product... for children. Hell, even before we get that far, this is a commercial product. All this, and more for the low, low price of $99! That's a little creepy.

What's more creepy is how you get the sodding thing to work.

• Okay, step one: Immerse your cockroach victim in icy water. Makes sense to stop it from scuttling off, not too weird.

• Step two: Use sandpaper to get rid of the waxy shell on top of the cockroach's head. Creepy factor starting to step in.

• Step three: Start gluing shit to the back of the cockroach. Not that creepy, it's not like the bugger has a camping rucksack to shove the chips in.

• Step four: Poke a needle in the thorax to insert a wire. Ew

• Step five: Cut off the antenna, insert electrodes. More surgery on living creatures. Why not?

• Step six: Repeat steps one to five until necessary numbers have been reached.

• Step seven: Name yourself the Cockroach Lord, and send you undead cyborg minions to punish the world that scorned you.

Yeah. I remember back in the day the kid who pulled wings off of flies was told off to prevent him growing up and cutting open his parents at night to see the squishy bits pulse, now we just market to him. Amusingly, I can make this whole things worse: This project that Backyard Brains got into for this was the result of a successful KickStarter campaign, so apparently there's plenty people champing at the bit desperate for this robo-army.

I'm admittedly surprised that there isn't a more expensive version with a tiny webcam on board for all your perverted spying needs. Or legitimate needs: let's say I haven't cleaned my flat in ages and I want to know if salvageable change is under the sofa, but I lack to drive to move the sofa without guaranteed payoff. Viola! RoboRoach with camera to the rescue!

Now, I would be remiss of my duties as a blogger if I did not mention that Backyard Brains have responded to criticism about using cockroaches like so and have addresses specific concerns on their pre-order page, including noting that we're not entirely sure that cockroaches even feel pain. Sure, that's fine, but guys: work with me here, this is bloody creepy, okay? I don't like cockroaches, and this feels like to me amateur animal experimentation for shits 'n giggles. I kinda want to throw around the word 'animal cruelty' here, but that's possibly too far, and puts me in mind of firebombing legitimate research clinics.

(And yes! Bloggers have duties. It many involves doing the bare minimum of research, dropping a typo every other line and being a raving loon.)

It's dismantling a living thing. Hmm. I mean, I'd murder cockroaches in a heartbeat, but. Hmm. Yeah, this is... a thing all right.

Of course, what's really the major concern is the tagline of 'the world's first commercially available cyborg.' Let's face it, with my wages, I'd dance for a pittance, making the RoboRoach a distance second.

... I have glasses and a watch, okay? THAT COUNTS AS BEING A CYBORG.