What I should do, and what Payday 2 should really not do

So it's another year past, and now is the time for some serious reflection of what we've done, what we did but shouldn't of done, and what we should of done but didn't.

And if you're still following me after that mess of the sentence, now is also the time to look at things we should do in the new year... and what things we really should do but probably won't.

Unfortunately all this introspection has been interrupted by the that is what I've done is had about four Christmas dinners in as many days, which is quite frankly now starting to look like something I've done but shouldn't, whilst simultaneously making me realise what I should of done but didn't was eat less. Thinking on this subject a bit more, this puts me to mind that next time the season swings round is that what I should do is to eat less of the turkey / chicken / beef, and in all honestly that's definitely something I really should do but won't.

So while I'm absent of genuine thoughtful introspection, at least I'm being efficient.

Eh, close enough.

In my complete defence, I don't want to see another chocolate for at least the next... seventeen minutes. Now that may seem flippant, but considering I'm sitting waist deep in a pile of gifted chocolate it's kinda inescapable. I've been filing it away under the 'well, that's a flat surface' method and I am one sneeze away from a death via a chocolate avalanche. Which while this death is incidentally number seven of my top ten list of preferred ways to die, is not something I intend to do tonight. I mean, I've yet to see the new Sherlock, so that death can at least wait until later in January.

So with a lack of anything intelligent to talk about I'm going to waffle on about Payday 2 for a bit.

Now Payday 2 is a game where you play a bunch of organised criminals pulling various heists, from simple jewellery store robberies, to bank hold ups and more elaborate schemes: one has you steal a variety of sold paintings to add tiny cameras to the frames to enable you to see inside a penthouse apartment of a man you were paid to frame by planting somewhere in the region of half of Columbia's annual cocaine production in their personal vault. So it's not same-y, is what I'm trying to say.

It has one of the best weapon modification systems I have ever seen implemented in a video game, and you can also modify the masks that you wear as well for an added bonus. You also can level up with a variety of skills in different trees; I'm currently managing a blend of enforcer and mastermind. As an enforcer, I get heavier armour more damage and terror output, while as a mastermind I provide a variety of buffs to my team. I was originally attracted to the mastermind by one of it's skill descriptions, Stockholm Syndrome - civilians you have threatened have a chance to help you up if you've been downed.

My crew's plans normally blend between stealthy and brutal - the first twenty minutes agonizingly eliminating patrolling guards and security cameras before kicking down the doors and screaming GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GET DOWN ON THE FUCKING FLOOR. NO HEROES. NO FUCKING HEROES. I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FUCKING KILL ANYONE WHO FUCKING LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE MOVING. AND THEN I WILL SHOOT TWO MORE FUCKING PEOPLE AS A LESSON. NOT. TO. BE. A. FUCKING. HERO.

That bit is admittedly a rather disturbing amount of fun. So all good, right? Eh... well...

Payday 2 is one of the most unfair, cheap games I have even encountered.

Once the stealth fails, at higher difficulties, you basically have to restart as there's no way you have enough firepower to blow away the five million police in riot gear that were chillin' just two minutes down the road. That's fine, no worries. However, some missions decide the Fuck You approach, like having a chance to spawn extra guards (whom you can only kill so many before the police gets automatically notified) in areas already cleared, turning a twenty minute prep into wasted time. And certain missions you can't even stealth, so you're fighting Bulldozers all the time who only go down when you've fired enough lead to physically pin them to the floor by sheer weight. Who can also spawn in cleared areas on stealth missions, for funsies. You're never safe - enemies can, will, and do just appear.

It doesn't feel fair, and you start feeling really cheated. You realise that in a lot of missions; success depends entirely on luck - will their be three trucks, or two? Will the escape van come here, or over there? Will the guard notice me this time, or will he not? Will there be a fucktonne of Bulldozers, or a metric fucktonne of Bulldozers? As you don't get paid until you do enough missions to get to the titular payday - and a few times now, me and a crew have played for hours failing repeatedly until everyone realises they aren't having fun. And I admit that while I'm not that good, everyone else on my crew is, so ham-fistedness ain't the issue.

So you quit. Wasting all your time with no payout. And as money is needed to do EVERYTHING in game that's painful. And rage-inducing. So you grind the missions that don't have the fun and interesting twists to them to get the much needed cash, because those twists, while original, isn't worth the unfairness.It doesn't help that I also feel the DLC is unfair - without the Gage Pack 1, you have no grenades, and most the guns in the Gage Pack are better and cheaper then any other equivalent, giving a pay-to-win vibe.

Right now it's a balancing act, and it's tipping into the 'why bother?' point, which is worrying, because it's definitely fun. So much to scream at people and out wit the police, cackling into the night. Tragically, that fun is dependant on the game's internal mood and chance. I worry that without some behind the scenes balancing and tinkering, this game will fall off my recommend list. Don't pick it up at full price, is what I'm saying.

It has convinced me however that on my to not-do list for next year, that I should never try to actually rob a bank. And the stats back me up here.




Payday 2 is available here, but check out the Steam Store for the holiday sales and Kinguin when out of season for a discount.

cock sex boobs - the filters are here to stay

Okay. Are we all sitting comfortably?

So remember when I absolutely exploded over the shit-for-brains scheme to ban all porn on the internet via the infallible means of filters? It's my most popular post bar Guns Of Icarus thus far, so some of you read it. Well, it turns out that after all that screaming and yelling the bill was sunk for it being laughably stupid yet horrifying. And so the world was a more sane, happier place.

Ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

It's funny because the world isn't that kind.

Because it's back. Oh, it's back. Instead of making a law about it, most of our internet providers have been leaned on to create their own bloody filters. So now let's have a look at this undemocratic filter applied to us...

Hmm, Ben Goldacre, what witty delights do you have for me today... ah.. er...

What.

Excuse me a moment. You know, I had this big 'I told you so' built up for the this, because that does mention sexual health, something I did say would be ended up blocked. I had a dance prepped and everything, which was very difficult to convey by the median of word. But I... don't want to do it any more. I failed to ever imagine that 'respect' for your sexual partner would be something necessary to get rid of.

WHAT THE ACTUAL SWEET FUCKING FUCK.

Oh, I made a tasteless joke instantly, telling my partner to get back in the kitchen until it was pointed out that respect could also mean not knocking your partner from room to room like a football. So I started out being not funny, and I was immediately one-upped to being depressed. Oh and look, the Edinburgh Women's Rape and Sexual Abuse Centre's website is blocked as 'pornographic.'

Welcome to the eve of 2014. We block information to not treat your loved ones like a human punching bag.

Or to rape them.

Oh, I could be kind, and point out that BT has changed said page.

No, BT, this doesn't answer my questions, you sick slimy shits.

I could be kind, and point out that this is opt out and you have to choose on start up so it's not imposed on you.

But no.

No. This doesn't deserve kindness.

This is absolutely abhorrent. Considering we have almost every person who was on 1980s television currently facing charges for paedophilia, you'd think we'd want plenty of sexual education out there. Nope. Nada. Zip.

It is disgusting that BT would think that this is something that anyone would want to block. It is disgusting that is anyone would want that blocked, that BT is happy to enable that. It is disgusting that after being called out on this callous shit BT is still offering it as an option.

I will never grant BT my business again. It's not much, but it's all I have.

Er, I should probably add a few lines about how awful it is to block homosexual related content, especially because many teens discover their sexuality may find little support from home or immediate friends, so the internet is a safe place to seek help. And that's true. It's just that there's a lot of rage up here, and it's having to fight for a place, and I keep coming back to the whole 'not rape' thing. But you can just consider some close-minded parents blocking sexual education content in an attempt to keep their children on the literal straight and narrow. How bloody charming.

Make no mistake, for all the smiling Davy boy does, this the person he is. This is the things he wants.

The sad thing is... among many sad things, admittedly, is that the original bill, the original start to all of this, had nothing to do with web blocks. That was tacked on at the end. It was originally about granting digital ownership rights. Yeah, that music in your iTunes library, those games in Steam, your Photoshop on you desktop? They'd be yours. Free to trade, loan or return, like any other physical thing you own. That would of been amazing, and sorely needed.

Instead the porn thing got tacked on, and torpedoed the bill. We now no longer have digital rights for our property. But we still have this fucking evil filter. And make no mistake, anything that would take education and banish it is, without any preamble, is evil.

It's not over though. Look at that list. What's that? Extremist websites are to be blocked. Extremists. What's extremist, anyway? We don't really have a definition. The hate shriekers? The dissidents? Is it The Guardian, constantly leaking documents from Snowden, if they're endangering intelligence agents, isn't that extremist? Best get rid of that criticism... These filters have moved so far beyond the supposed menace of porn, and this is what we have now. Freedom of information is no more.

Welcome to 2014. This is what my country does now.

My Christmas gift to you is an extension to Chrome that will bypass this horror.

Because fortunately, as despicable as my leaders are, they are mercifully inept.

Christmas gets in the way of all the nice things

Would you believe it, but it turns out - I am actually really bloody busy. It's almost like there's a big festive thing or season happening.

So. Er.

I have something in the works, it'll hopefully be out tomorrow. After that, I'll be intermittently updating until January. I have lots of rage and bile ready, so that'll be nice and Christmasy.