Politics, lies and their making. Sorta.

Well, shit. It took me a bare three weeks before I broke a self-imposed rule: keep politics out of the blog. You do not talk about politics in the blog. Yet barely into it I have a hissy fit about a couple of papers with blatant politic slants and thus mostly outing my own leanings. Whatever. I mean, not only am I talking about politics which will certainly alienate people because they're wrong (and vice versa, to them, I'm wrong) but I am talking about British politics, a tiny island in the grand world. So even less people will care. Oh well. Go big or go home. Let's roll with this.

The Lib Dem conference has passed/still/continuing/I stopped paying attention. But I care. I care in the way of the scorned. The way when passion switches to hate. Ask me 'bout Mass Effect sometime. Back in the day, I, like many others, believed that the Lib Dems were different. That they would change things. Then they got in power and pissed over everything they ever said. But that's bigger, sadder, older rant.

What is morbidly funny to me today is that Nick Clegg's ticket at the time that he was the politician that didn't break promises or lie (heh.) I mean, he even went on Youtube to say this. Which, ya know, was perhaps a mis-step considering his later decisions, because dear lord do we like to call him on his shit. He got so annoyed at us not getting over his lying, treacherous ways he released a a song to apologize. I think.

So. The conference. He promised things. Promised things he didn't even bother to elaborate on, like the tax thing he was waxing lyrical about without pinning anything down, and you know what? That's fair. Originally I was angry he couldn't find the time in his intense schedule of making the tea for the Cabinet to actually write anything down, but you know what? I bet he couldn't be bothered. And why not? It's not like he'll be relevant after our next election. His party will be facing the sort of electoral devastation you could only normally get by standing on a platform of mandatory puppy rape. See that adorable inny-out ear? Mandatory rape hole. They are, without joke, that popular right now.

But I, the eternal modest, humble fine person that I am, have decided to forgive him his transgressions (of which there are many) and extend the proverbial olive branch. If he can't find the time, or be bothered to write policy, then don't worry Cleggster. I got your back. I've got your policies. Oh, they won't get you re-elected. I'm not a gorram wizard here. There's an inevitable slide to crap for you. But I have twenty policies, well thought out and considered, from the whole range of important voter topics such as; the environment, crime, immigration, economic, the lot. These policies are the best policies you could run with, considering you'll never have to worry about implementing them - not that was a real concern anyway. Just like I will go big or go home, why shouldn't you? So here we go. Get up on that stage, and say it nice and loud:

1. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally punch each and every person that blocks you in aisle in the supermarket. You know the guy.
   
   
2. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally mow your lawn. And by your lawn, I mean as long as you're called Derek. Fuck everyone else.
   
   
3. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally look the other way whilst we, as a nation, deliberately misplace our credit card bills.
   
   
4. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally suck you off. I mean, I've had practise, I know I'm pretty good. Not as good as Jeremy Hunt, but to be fair, that man can suck the chrome off a hubcap. It's actually rather intimidating.
   
   
5. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally find God and ask him what is up with women getting multiple orgasms and men just one. We have the penis, we're in charge, why should they get all the fun?
   
   
6. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally give every girl between the ages of three and twelve a unicorn. You heard me. A fucking unicorn. Kids, bug your parents to vote for me, or you'll miss out on a UNICORN.
   
   
7. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally make Twilight not happen. Or Michael Bay, to be decided in a referendum at later date.
   
   
8. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally spend the rest of my life standing just off to David Cameron's side, tweaking his nose and calling him 'adorable' whenever he tries to speak.
   
   
9. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally vomit on the Queen at lest once a day, in public, and any visiting heads of state.
   
   
10. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally authorize the nuking of Denmark. That'll teach Sandy Toksvig.
    
    
11. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally do your taxes in the special way us rich people and corporations do that prevents them from legally paying taxes.
    
    
12. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally lick Obama's face. Okay, fine. I'd do that even if I wasn't elected.
    
    
13. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally stop people going bald. Or fat. No, new idea. I will personally make sure everyone is attractive all the time ever. I'll put any rebelling mingers in death camps.
    
    
14. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally will repeal the Law of Gravity.
    
    
15. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally staple Norway onto England to create a new, anti-EU.
    
    
16. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally use my ENGLISH VISION to identify every illegal immigrant before shipping them to Australia.
    
    
17. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally start a fire and jump in it.
    
    
18. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally show you the heat. You know what I'm talking about, ladies.
    
    
19. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally find your keys.
    
    
20. If elected, I, Nick Clegg, will personally outlaw re-introduce the workhouses. No job? To the workhouse! And by workhouse I mean government brothel. It'll be fun!

See? And you thought I was bitter.