FTFV: How to shop for Christmas; a sensible method vs. my own

By the time you read this, I'll be on holiday. Go me! Without internet. So I won't be able to write or publish anything. But because I am an alleged professional, I am using my awesome powers of scheduling posts I present to you, from my Facebook vault, an old note comparing and contrasting Christmas shopping habits: something we're going to have to look into soon anyway. Sure, Halloween hasn't even started yet, but if I go by shop stock, a Christmas article has been overdue for about a month now. This article been edited slightly from the original (mainly corrections and removing personal references) but is nevertheless the same. It was originally written in December 2009.

How to shop for Christmas; a sensible method vs. my own 

I am not particularly incensed at this moment, making for poor rants. I blame the green tea I've recently taken up. Before I write out an funny angry tirade on employment, I mellow out, and the resulting first draft of my rant is in fact three pages of juvenile cursing that I don't feel like finishing. So in the interim of me running out of green tea, I have written a handy dandy guide to Christmas shopping. And because that alone would be frankly condescending to all you intelligent people, who would totally not walk into the shower wearing glasses (twice in two days now) I have contrasted that with my actual method of Christmas shopping.

Sensible method: Use the internet

You use the internet and get it done. There. You finished. Skip to the end.

My method: Do not use the internet

Click around pointless for a couple of hours and realise that you have in fact ordered a bunch of crap for yourself, and reached level 136 on Mafia Wars. Sigh wearily when you realise that your sisters want nothing from iwantoneofthose, only you do. Take sword from it's place beside your computer, in preparation for interaction with people. Eww.

If this first step is not an option (most likely because you live in a post-apocalyptic world with no internet) then you must take my method of actual human interaction. I pity you.

Sensible method: Preparation

Resist the urge to go charging out, debit card a-blazin'. Formulate a list of things to buy for everyone you care enough about/see regularly enough to be unable to ignore/people you desire to have sex with, or continue to have sex with. If you do not have a specific present in mind write down some quick notes of their likes as you will get stumped later. Appoint the places you wish to shop, ideally areas where you can get everything at once.

My method: Go

Just fucking go already. It's what, 9.00AM? Fuck. Whatever. Wallet. Check. Sword. Check. Gone. I'll wait for the bus and fuck fuck fuck forgot my jeans oh sweet lord no my keys are in my jeans and I closed the door already. It's cold outside.

Arriving at your destination, now it is time to explore.

Sensible method: Shop around

Don't buy anything yet. Whatever you want, doubtless over shops sells, and because of the recession making shops bust faster then a Catholic priest in a (Edit: Joke too soon. Also, eww.) There is serious competition out there. While we're not shopping on the internet, it's still crashed shop prices. If they don't have it on stock, maybe someone else will. Why are there two Waterstones in Chelmsford anyway? (2012 Edit: Not any more!)

My method: Stop caring

You have it. Great. What am I humming? Dammit. It's that 'Domino's' song. Fucking Radio 1. That's it. I'm smacking my head against the wall until I forget it. Fuck. Off. Stupid. Song. Ow. Okay. Feelin' wooooozy. I taste... blue? No. That's blood. Okay. Got it out. And maybe some childhood memories, fuck it. Probably weren't any good anyway.

It is now time to purchase your gifts.

Sensible method: Organise the order of your purchases

Start with the least heavy, and work your way through, or the most direct route out. High popularity items should also take precedence, as well as gifts on sale.

My method: Wander aimlessly

Why the fuck did I come here with no idea what to buy? I HAVE WALKED FOR HOURS. I am checking each bloody shop in turn. I'm in a shoe shop. Why? Keep walking, something may just leap out. Hey, when people notice the blood on my face, they avoid me, and give me space. Nice. Point to me. Ohh. Chocolate. Good backup choice. They are... they are... little chocolate penis? Huh? Where am I? Shit... I'm in Ann Summers ABORT ABORT. Why have I only managed to buy one present, the heavy one? And what's this bag? Tonight's vegetables? WHY AM I CARRYING THAT? Maybe mum would laugh at the chocolate penis.

You have bought your gifts. Go home.

Sensible method: Go home.

I can't exactly stretch this one out.

My method: Fuck this noise.

Next time, it's the internet. And preparation. Gah. I'm done. DONE. DEE. OHH. ENN. EEE. You know what? The people who I missed, and didn't get gifts for? FUCK THEM. I never liked them much anyway. I mean, I was willing to go into this... this... maelstrom of people to buy them some cheap trivial crap to be swiftly forgotten or Ebayed. If they truly knew me, they should feel honoured that I would at least make the attempt for them. Going home. Oh hell, there's more of them! Get out my way. Get out my way. Why did you stop walking... in the middle of the pavement? Please get out my way. Stop pushing. Stop pushing. I SAID GET OUT OF MY... Oh bollocks. I pinned a bloke down and bit out his jugular vein. Again. Jesus, that's why I brought the sword after last year. And the year before that. So that I didn't have to pick bits of skin out my teeth tonight. Gross. Urgh. Well, small blessings; dramatic trauma plus face disfiguring blood does not a good witness statement make. Mental note; buy mouthwash.

You are now done. Prepare to bask in the love of you friends and family, or the rather burly arms of Dave 'The Spooner' at the police station.