Xbox One, the anti-hype reveal

So the new Xbox has been revealed. Yay?

I could say I was incredibly underwhelmed, but that wouldn't convey the overbearing feeling of disappointment and disquiet I feel towards it. And as someone for has a Xbox 360 sitting under his desk, and therefore their target audience (I guess?) I really doubt I want to be picking the next one up.

YOU FIGHT AGAINST INEVITABILITY, DUSTS STRUGGLING AGAINST COSMIC WINDS

It's preposterously called the Xbox One. So it's nice to see that Microsoft have seen Nintendo's stupid console naming tradition and decided to compete on that level, at least. So far, that means this is the third Xbox created, and the naming convention is thus: Xbox, Xbox 360, and the newest, the Xbox One. Apparently, Microsoft aren't totally off their rocker, it's because they want the Xbox One to be the 'all in one,' of media entertainment. Yep. Dead serious. Go say that to yourself out loud, but away from your computer, because I guarantee your fist will smash into your own nose in an effort to stop you sounding so sickeningly smug.

So, with a brand new reveal, for a brand new games console, a dedicated console that plays games, there's been some game reveals. Makes sense. All nine of them. All nine games for a new games console. To top it off, most of them are from EA's sports range, and all bar one are not console exclusives. So all the advertising, including big, heavy hitters like the new Call of Duty, are for games that can be brought on other consoles or the pc, i.e.: the Xbox One's competition. Whee. Of the only exclusive I counted, it was Forza. Fucking Forza. The racing game invented by a sexually repressed accountant. It's the most boring racing game I've ever had the misfortune to play. You must follow this line exactly, at exactly the right speed, apply exactly the right amount of brake, or you'll spin out. Wait, are you touching another vehicle! No touching! No ramming! No one ever touches me, so you can't touch anyone else! Go to the back of the pack and start over you monster!

Of course, games weren't really the bug deal in Microsoft's reveal. No. Strangely enough, for a – let's repeat it, once more for emphasis – games console, the presentation didn't seem to care about games much. Oh, live television and NFL? Yeah, all over that. All over presenting television channels. Ah, Microsoft? I've one of a minority of people in Britain who gives a rat's arse about NFL, and I still don't care. And about live television? If I wanted to watch live television, I'd go to Twitter and listen to everyone bitching how there's nothing on live television. Increasingly, we're seeing the trend and desire for TV on demand, and M-Soft, you start bragging about live bleedin' television? Netflix is giggling in the corner mate. Oh, yeah, you see Netflix? It's behind that monthly paywall of Xbox Live you've erected, like a giant protruding diseased phallus covering all the things I want to actually get to; the ultimate cock block, as it were. Apart from the adverts behind it. Yeah, most people pay to avoid adverts, Microsoft forces them down your gagging throat regardless. I really dislike having to pay you for the privilege getting to merely access Netflix's app, before having to pay Netflix for actually providing me the service. Especially when I can get Netflix on a smart TV now.

In fact, for all you blabbering, the thing you seemed most proud of Xbox One being able to achieve – live television, sports coverage, media playing – I can get from a smart TV. Which is a bit sad, because for you to achieve what a smart TV does, you still need another television to display it. What the absolute hell is your purpose for existing then?

To fuck me over, clearly. Well, me, you, everyone, really. Yeah, here's the bit where Microsoft's giant diseased phallus stops draping itself over services you would expect to get for free (as let's face it, like every other console and platform does) and sticks itself right in your protesting nostril. I'm talking of course of the big three: disk locking, Kinect necessity, and always on internet connection required. Firstly, right off the bat, I know that this has been confused as of late. M-Diddly-Soft has no exactly been transparent over it's exact polices, which scares the shit out of me. For starters, how could you possibly be unprepared for questions regarding disk locking? Gamers have been pestering you for months regarding your stance, and in your reveal, with invited games journalists, you had no idea how to respond? You fucking idiots.

Disk locking. Basically, you buy a game, it gets registered to your account, and if someone else wants to use it, you must pay! Up to the price of the game new. For starters, in this case, there's no point getting anything on the Xbox One now. You might as well get it for the pc. You can't trade in used games on the pc, but have better modding and game support, and better sales. Secondly, have fun pissing off game retailers. They already make shit all money on new games sales, and how this? If the Playstation 4 doesn't follow suit, you'll find a shop with a tiny row of Xbox One games in the dusty corner in the back, with Playstation 4 used and new titles dominating the nest of the shop. Have fun convincing customers of your 'superior' console with that line up. Thirdly, let me tell you a quick story. It's about Dead Space. You know, that other series EA ruined. (One of the other's. There's quite a few now.)

Well, back when I lived in Colchester, there was this great store called Xtreme Gaming. It's a dedicated Xbox centre – filled with cool art and sets, wide screen televisions and seats with speakers in the headrest, so that when someone shoots at you, you know exactly where they shot at you from. So one Halloween, I paid into an all nighter game event. And my game? The newly released Dead Space, of course. So there I was, skulking around the Ishimura, scared out of my mind. Whilst one part of my brain marvelled over the scripting of a xenomorph trying to wrench the elevator doors open, the monkey part of my brain was going,' FUCKFUCKRUNAWAYFUCK,' very loudly and trying to futile press myself further into the wall. Well, I had just got into the medical centre, where the computer handily informed me of a foreign containment, and locked the doors. No worries, I told myself. I have this. I know these creeps have little in the way of ranged abilities, so if I just wedge myself into this corner here, ah, there we go, then they'll have to travel across this wide expanse of room to get to me, providing ample opportunity for me to whittle them down with plasma cutter fire as they traverse this distance. I am such a master tactician. And so, hunkered down and happy, it was at this point a xenomorph leaned out from the air vent behind me and went 'bleh' into my ear. Of course, you remember the seats I mentioned, with the speakers in the headrests?

From my perspective, that 'bleh' was said less then a tongue length behind my right ear.

For someone who prides themselves as a bit of an amateur writer, it's embarrassing to admit I lack the vocabulary to accurately express the bowel-voiding terror I experienced in that moment. I leapt out of that corner shrieking incoherently, panic-strickenly pulling the trigger over and over again sending the whole clip into the floor and walls. I don't remember the xenomorph even moving, just standing there as I fired again and again but completely unable to hit it through a state of fear and blurry tear-filled vision. Shortly afterwards, I quit the game in shame, bested by it's fear. Later, when I brought my own Xbox 360, it was the first game I picked up for it. So. A brand new sale only happened because I played the game, rented from someone else onto someone else's system. Bravo M-Diddly-Sqiddly-Soft, you cretins. (Incidentally, you should totally them check out if you're in Colchester.)

Always on internet connectivity. Okay, this amuses me, because Microsoft are highly aware of the significant amount of Xbox's that are never connected to the internet due to lack of ability, and the craptitude of America's overall broadband access. Well, they don't care about those sales then! Yeah! Fuck your target audience! Whoo! Oh, wait, you only have to connect every twenty four hours? Oh, so that's completely not always-oh yes it is you pricks. We are not stupid. We called EA for there 'Sim City 4 doesn't have always on DRM, it's an MMO muhahahaHAH' bullshit and we'll call you on it here.

And finally, the Kinect. That must be connected for the Xbox One to function. And seeing that you just have to say 'Xbox On' for it to turn the Xbox One on, (duh) that means it's always listening. Always watching. Yeah. That's creepy as hell. Oh, wait, M-Diddy-Squiddly-Niddly-Soft isn't spying on us? That's crazy talk? Yeah. I trust that company as far as I could through the Xbox's original hefty controller. They're asking me to point a camera and microphone into my living rooms that can count the number of people there so it could potentially charge them, and to just simply trust in them they won't do anything untoward. Ah. No. Fuck you. Fuck you with the Xbox's original hefty controller sideways.

Between this, Surface, and Window's 8, I'm seriously starting to consider if Steve Bulmer simply doesn't like money any more.

Oh my god, there's Picard facepalm take already. Glorious.

I just... you know I should be clamouring for this, right? Instead, I looking back at my gaming pc wondering what on earth the Xbox One does that my gaming pc doesn't do. They both don't do used games, both play DVDs, both... er... ah? Anything that comes out on the Xbox One the computer will get as well, only that the gaming rig gets free multiplayer, free access to media playing apps, great sales, great access to the independent gaming scene, the ability to mod and correct games, has so much porn available, keyboard input, I can actually do real work on the gaming rig...

And instead I'm looking at the Playstation 4, a console I hated due to fanboyism. And now?

What? They haven't show us what it looks like yet.

Mmm. Hello exclusives. Mmm, Resistance, Killzone, Infamous... who's that dirty one? Oh, it's you Naughty Dog, what are you up to? Oh, no charge for internet multiplayer? Oh, you filthy whore, talk dirty to me. Huuuurgh, no used game bullshit? Oh, you bitch, keep it going. Yeah, like that. Argh, no monthly subscription, oh, great focus on games! Nearly there! Features that'll work outside of America?

...I guess I'll actually have to learn where the Square, Triangle and Square buttons go then. Arse.